If Only (Book 1)

part 10

Tzuyu rushes out of school, clenching her coat closer to her body. She wonders how other students can walk around in just a sweater or light jacket, and comes to the simple conclusion of insanity. It was all Tzuyu seemed to do recently. Whine about the weather, or wait for classes to end. Her behavior wasn't at it's best either, and her mood fluctuated on a daily basis. No one noticed though. That Tzuyu barely ate, didn't sleep well. Of course, she didn't complain about the anxiety she felt, constant muscle aches, runny nose, or sweating. These symptoms could easily be confused with the common cold or PMS, so her parents would brush it off anyway. Even if Tzuyu wanted to tell them, they wouldn't believe her. They were in denial when she told them about the Adderall, let alone an opiate. Did she want help? Maybe. Was she willing to ask for it? Hell no.

Tzuyu sulks as she enters the apartment, throwing her bag onto her bed. As she turns to leave, she meets the sheet music lying on her night stand. The recital is on Thursday and she has barely practiced. She bites her lower lip, but doesn't take the papers. If she didn't leave now, she'd miss the city bus and be late to her first day on the job.

Tzuyu pushes the glass door open. Bells chime to announce her arrival. "You're late." A familiar voice points out, and Tzuyu finds Sana at one of the empty booths. "By five minutes. Plus, there's no one here." She turns her head toward the counter, "not even the workers."

They sit, waiting for the same girl from before to call them in for testing. Sana is asked to make her way to the bathroom first. "Good luck." Tzuyu half jokes. She taps her fingers on the table as she awaits her turn. Why was she nervous? She managed to stay clean for the five days. There would be no trace in her system, yet she felt her heart almost burst out of her chest when she heard her name being called. She lets out a breath and smiles at the girl, sure that she was making herself look more guilty by not trying to.

"Ok, great!" The seemingly always enthusiastic girl claps her hands when Tzuyu gives her the sample. "I'll just have them test these, but I'm sure they'll be fine." She smiles at them and goes into the back, returning with two uniforms. A light blue shirt, and black jeans. Sana and Tzuyu enter the bathroom, sliding into two separate stalls, they remove their clothes and change into the work outfits.

An hour passes with no costumers. Thirty minutes of which were spent with the girl, who turns out to be their manager, who's name they find out is Jihyo, teaching them how to use the ice cream machine. It's not difficult to swirl the frozen treat onto cones or into cups, but Jihyo insisted it had to be perfect.

Tzuyu and Sana are behind the counter. One is leaning on it, her hands cupping her cheeks in boredom.The other is leaning with her back against the counter, studying the menu. "Who knew there were so many ways to serve ice cream." Tzuyu speaks, and it's the first time anyone has said anything between them since they started working. Sana stands up, glancing at the menu but focusing her attention on Tzuyu's face. "You're an idiot." She traces the scrapes softly, and Tzuyu waits for to finish before she even attempts to speak. "For being pushed onto ice and falling, when I didn't know how to skate?" Tzuyu adds sarcastically. Sana returns to her original position, "for not realizing it was fall." She corrects, and Tzuyu realizes that the brunette was talking about the job. She then wonders what the point of touching her scars was.

Two hours later their first costumer comes in, and it's no other than Jennie. Sana scoffs, as she fetches the order, while Tzuyu shamelessly flirts with the girl.

Sana watches as she and Tzuyu exchange numbers. "Guess who has a date?" Tzuyu chimes, but Sana couldn't be less interested.

The rest of their shift consisted of Sana assisting the two other costumers they had, while Tzuyu texted Jennie. Giggling like a school girl every five minutes.

"When's your date?" Sana asks as the two girls sit in their usual spot on the roof. She didn't care, but if Sana could think of anything else to talk about, she would. "Friday. She wanted it to be Thursday, but I have a recital." Sana nods, pretending to be interested.

"Do you wanna come?"

"To an auditorium full of snobby music prodigies? No thanks."

"Come on. Please?"

Sana shrugs her shoulders, agreeing only to silent Tzuyu. She pulls out a carton of cigarettes, and Tzuyu watches her inhale, keeping the smoke for a few seconds, before slowly releasing it out into the air. "Where'd you get that?"
She asks.

"The store." Sana answers simply, and Tzuyu almost laughs. "Who got it for you?" Sana takes another drag. "A friend." Tzuyu keeps her eyes on Sana, but doesn't pry. She never did. The younger girl would tell her when she was ready. As Sana brings the cigarette to her lips, Tzuyu remembers the question she had asked about cigarettes being Tzuyu's new addiction. She realizes how easily habits can die, but remembers how quickly old ones can return. She watches Sana finish the cigarette and reach for another. Then wonders if she, like Tzuyu, was returning to her old ways. Addiction doesn't disappear, so neither must despair.

Tzuyu swallows a lump that has formed in her throat. She had grown attached to the small girl sitting adjacent to her. What then, if she was gone?

She shakes her head, to rid herself of the awful thought. And when Sana reaches for the third cigarette in 15 minutes, Tzuyu grabs her wrist. Their eyes meet, but Tzuyu doesn't pry. She never did. Instead, she takes the cigarettes out of Sana's possession and lights them. One by one, arranged next to each other. Like a miniature fire. She watches them begin to burn out, as the sweet smell of smoke fills the space around them. Tzuyu's hand is still tightly grasping Sana's whose arm is trembling now, but she doesn't let go. And Sana doesn't pull away.

She sits with Sana on the roof, and waits. Like the first day they met. But Sana doesn't speak. And Tzuyu doesn't pry. She never did.

All Tzuyu could think about today was that she would finally get to inject herself again. That's all she waited for, and for a while she pondered if she should leave Sana on the roof and do it. But that would be selfish. So, she doesn't. Instead, she scoots closer to the girl. Surprised when Sana rests her head on her shoulder. They sit there, and it's a lot like their first encounter. Except Sana is not angry, and Tzuyu is more resistant to leaving when Sana asks her to.

Tzuyu smiles a small smile. She smiles at the fact that she and Sana barely knew anything about each other, yet it felt as if they'd known each other for years. They talked all the time, but never about themselves. And it was times like this, she wished they did.

She often wondered what went through Sana's fucked up mind. And She wondered if Sana ever felt curious about what ran through hers. Then, as if Sana could hear Tzuyu's thoughts, she speaks.

"I still want to die, Tzuyu." Her voice quivers, as if she's afraid of what she's saying. Tzuyu's heart sinks.

She doesn't respond. She doesn't know how. She wished she knew how to make her feel safe, happy. "You can't." Is all Tzuyu musters, and Sana nods.