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34.

At home, in their home, it was slightly easier to breathe. There was no one hovering to make sure he or Stefani would not go into some sort of inner despair and turn to old coping mechanisms. No one had dared utter anything remotely suggesting it but Bradley could sense the fear that lay dormant in both families. Only Natali didn't treat them with kid gloves, offering to hang out with Lea and play after Christmas dinner so that they could venture back to the townhouse to pack and rest.

It was a sweet gesture and he didn't know what they would have done without her. Everyone else tried to give good face and enjoy the day but she seemed to know exactly what they needed.

Bradley had gotten the okay from Stefani to fill Irina in on the fact they were leaving early. "I don't need to fill her in on the details, if you're not comfortable", he'd reassured her.

"You can tell her, Bradley. I'd rather be honest."

Irina had expressed her heartbreak for them over the phone and he knew it was genuine. Though his wounds from her departure would always run deep, on some level, he was learning to forgive. Just as he was learning to forgive himself.

"Please take care of each other," were her parting words when they were hanging up, after arranging for a FaceTime call with Lea the following week. "I'm probably the last person you want or need advice from but I saw just how much she loves you and how much you love her, too."

The townhouse seemed akin to gloom and as they quietly packed, Bradley only needed to touch his hand to the back of hers to know that she felt the same way. It was a great relief to escape the apartment with its Christmas cheer, even though Lea's joy over the day was the high point. It would be the same when they stepped foot back on the west coast; a sigh of relief.

"Is it weird I feel kind of guilty that we're leaving tomorrow instead of Sunday?"

Stefani's question came as they were stretched out on the bed, the impact of packing their things taking a toll on her still recovering body.

"If it is, then me too, actually," Bradley admitted, lightly squeezing their intertwined fingers. "Not that anyone's making us feel that way, but---"

"But it feels that way, anyhow," she supplied, turning over as gingerly as possible to face him. "I can't take another second of pretending like this is just another Christmas. I know, for Lea's sake, that's what we have to do but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with Mom. She means well but I don't think she knows what to say, honestly. She wants to make it all better and she can't. I mean, I get it. I know it brings a lot back when I was going through terrible shit and she's terrified I'll go down there again."

Her eyes were wide and frightened, so he picked up her hand, lay a kiss on the knuckle. "Are you---do you think I'm gonna break? It wouldn't be the first time."

There were times that he didn't need to rack his brain for the most helpful thing to say because all he had to do was tell the truth.

"I don't know, love. All I can say for certain is that if we go down that path, I'm right here. And I'll never go anywhere."

"Do you worry about drinking again?"

"Truthfully? Yeah, sometimes. I'm not tempted anymore but there are times I think of how easy it would be to pick up a bottle and take a sip...numb the pain a little."

The way they could be frank with each other and not gloss their past over was always something that settled the deep ache he carried within him. Nothing would ever fully heal it but knowing someone else understood it, was enough.

"Mmm, I understand that. Better than anyone."

With a soft sigh, she pushed herself close so that she was able to rest her head on his chest. "But neither of us will slip back there, Bradley. Never again."