One Moment-IwaOi

8

          Another week passes. I still have one more week before I can go home. It's a pain waiting. It's Iwaizumi's day to visit, but there's still an hour of school left. So, I have nothing to do except sit in bed and look at my phone. Which I've been doing for the past few hours.

I drop my phone on the covers and look outside. Rain pounds against the windows, and leaves whip against the wind. It seems too dangerous for Iwaizumi to actually come, but who knows with him. I pick up my phone again and scroll through a popular social media app. A bunch of different volleyball posts pop up on my home feed. I keep scrolling and see that Tendou from Shiratorizawa videotaped Ushijima spiking the ball during a practice match. Tendou turns the camera to his foot and says,

"I hurt my knee last game, but that doesn't stop me from killing my opponents!"

The video cuts out and I blankly stare at the next picture. I swear that was directed to me somehow. I continue scrolling and come along a post from Mattsun. He, Iwaizumi, and Takahiro are taking a selfie in the volleyball court. The caption quotes, "We're ready for nationals!"

I don't know what to say. I'm happy that they are ready, but it's a stab to the gut knowing that I'm not going to be able to play. Especially since I'm going to be able to go against Shiratorizawa, and prove I didn't need to go to that school.

But. . .maybe I should have. Maybe it would have been easier on my teammates. Maybe I would have gotten to nationals if I wasn't walking home with Iwaizumi. Maybe Iwaizumi wouldn't feel obligated to come to the hospital everyday and miss out on hanging with friends. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I stay stuck in that spiral until Iwaizumi opens the door, soaking wet.

"Oikawa, why are you crying?"

Oh, I'm crying?

"Iwaizumi? Would it have been better if I went to Shiratorizawa?"

He drops his bag on the chair. "What?"

"Would it be easier if I wasn't your friend?"

"Did something happen to you?"

"Would it be better if you didn't meet me?"

"Huh? Oikawa, what are you talking about?"

"Would it be easier if I wasn't alive?"
"Oikawa! What the hell went wrong while I was at school!"

"Nothing, nevermind," I close my mouth and lay down, turning to the window. I hear him sigh a deep sigh and peel off his dripping jacket.

"Oikawa, do you want to know the truth?"

I stay silent, hoping he knows what I'm not saying.

"Yes. Yes it would be."

I tense. What?

"Ushijima wouldn't bother me anymore, I wouldn't have to deal with you and your crazy attitude. I wouldn't mess up because all the girls swooning in the stands would be in a different gym. I could study in peace. Life would be simpler and much, much easier."

Why is he saying this? Does he really want me to leave? One single tiny tear slides down my cheek.

"But you know what? Life isn't very fair or easy. It's like a very shaky rollercoaster that has too many dips and loop-de-loops. Unfair things happen all the time. No one should want to live a simple life. I enjoy having to deal with you. I like laughing at your stupidity. I love having someone to care about me as much as I do them. I actually read this online but a post said and I quote, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why they call it 'present'."

"Do not focus on the past, do not dwell on choices you did or did not make. Do not live a life of resentment because you were worried no one cared about you. I don't know what happened today while I was gone, and I'm guessing it wasn't just that that triggered these questions. I'm thinking it was piles upon piles of thoughts that decided now was a good time to show up. But Oikawa, never give into those thoughts. If this is how you turned out after a few hours, I don't want to ever see what happens after months of those thoughts," He seems to get angry. His voice gets more strained.

"I've known and heard of many people who give into those thoughts. They think the world is a trashcan and their life is a curse. Since those thoughts became too hard for them to handle, they offed themselves. But how you have survived proves that life is not a curse, but a gift. I do not want to see you off yourself because of those awful voices. Doing that would show that what your body and all those doctors worked for was actually for nothing. I know I'm probably confusing you a lot, but this was the perfect time for me to remind you. I never, ever want to lose my shitty-shittykawa."

I turn back around and smile softly at him. His eyebrows move up in surprise.

I have no words. Literally no words to say to him. I just start to cry again, actually, I start to sob. Like, snot too.

"Oikawa, did what I just say to you mean nothing?" He rushes over and climbs on the bed. He wipes at my tears and grabs my chin in his hands. I swim in his starry eyes, smiling and crying at the same time. I still have no words to say. I hope my smile speaks for me.

He just stares and stares, while I just cry and cry.