hot and bothered

world's a little blurry

3 months later

You had my heart in your hands. To care for, to nurture, to love. My heart lying in your hands defenseless to your touch. You dropped it. Forgot how to care for it, nurture it, love it. You forgot how to love me. You left with no remorse. Did I bore you? When did you fall out of love? I still remember how your soft hands felt when they met mine. The way you would say my name. The day we met. I'm hysterical without you. Why did you leave?

The loud sound of the tour bus wheels rolling on the pavement fill my ears. I try to distract myself from the sound by looking out the small bunk window. I fog up the glass and make stupid little drawings with my fingertips, fixating on the way my fingers make certain swirls and strokes.

The bunk curtain flew open. Startled I jumped causing me to hit my head. I grind my teeth together as the top of my head begins to pound.

"FUCK."

"Sorry, Bil. Didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine, Finn. What's up?"

"Just checking on you, you haven't even gotten up to pee, Billie."

"I don't need to pee."

"Come eat? While you were sleeping we stopped at a Taco Bell."

"Thanks, but later."

"Billie."

"Finneas?"

"You have to get out of this slump, tour's coming to an end suck it up for a couple more shows."

"I don't want to talk about this Finn."

"Just please come eat B-"

"Finneas, I mean this in the nicest way but please leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to hear it. Leave me alone."

Finneas huffed and close the bunk curtain leaving me back into seclusion of the bunk. The darkness gave me comfort, something about the confined space as well made me feel secure. It was a feeling I was lacking of lately and honestly I just wanted the world to pause, I wanted the world to let me catch up.

I laid down and began to play with the rings on my fingers, staring at the black bunk ceiling. I closed my eyes for a second and began to visualize, you. I felt your soft fingers running through my hair, and the peaceful sound of your innocent laughter. I miss you. I miss the way you looked in my baggy clothes, the way you would scrunch your nose at me, the way you weren't scared to stand your ground around me. Hot tears began to stream down my cheeks.

"All I did was love you."

My voice was faint and cracked. I whipped the tears and stared at my wet fingertips. This was your fault. Look what you did to me. I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. I rolled over pulling out my phone, I read through our old texts, Was a I going crazy? I had a world before you but why is it all blurry now?

Blurry.

I turned off my phone rapidly and hopped out of the dark bunk. I scramble all over the tour bus looking for my notebook.

"FINN."

"FINN."

"what billie?"

"WAKE UP HURRY. WHEREE THE FUCK IS MY NOTEBOOK?"

"billie calm down youre too loud."

"YEAH AND A LITTLE WHILE AGO I WAS TOO QUIET, WHERES MY NOTEBOOK FINNEAS?"