Him

I'm Not Gonna Lie

Today was hard

Everyone keeps saying
It will get better
You will be fine
It's going to be okay
And I know that it will

But I'm not gonna lie

Today sucked

Everywhere I looked was you
Everything I touched was you
Every word I spoke was you
Every thought I thought was you

I'm not gonna lie

I'm pissed

I miss you more than life itself
And you're just fine
Off on your own
With your freedom

At least that's how I feel

That's what I've been telling myself

That's how it seemed the night
You gave up

Because I had already given up
I had already said it was over
And that was wrong

I fucked up and
I know it

But you did too

When I apologized for
Shutting you out
When I begged for you back
When I pleaded with you to
Just talk to me
You shut me out

You left me

Your face a blank wall as you
Slammed the door on my heart

I'm not gonna lie

That hurt more than anything

The indifference
The blankness
The derision

If it was a tactic to make me feel better
By showing you would be okay
After I destroyed your heart
It failed

Miserably

It made me feel worse than you
Can possibly imagine

I'm not gonna lie

I still hold my breath when my phone lights up
I still tense at every knock at my door
I still crane my head to see if that car was yours

I still cry at night
I still shake with sobs in my car
I still scream at the heavens, asking why

Why you did it
Why you left me so easily
Why you gave me up so effortlessly

How did you give me up?

Without a second glance?

Without a thought to talk to me?

To make it right?

To fight for me?

I'm not gonna lie.

I thought you cared more than that.
I know you care more than that.
And I wish I understood.