Merasmus's Haunted House Catastrophe

Chapter 1

Days off are something everyone looks forward to. You dont have to deal with stress and paperwork all day, don't have to deal with Karens for once in your life, don't have to get yelled at by your boss. It's a day all to yourself where you can just sit in front of your Xbox for 18 hours.

Unless your a merc.

Killing people was fun, at least for them. Not only that, they were stuck in what had to be the most boring hillbilly town on Earth—Teufort, New Mexico. Hardly anything besides the Tom Jones museum was worth any excitement, and there was virtually nowhere to eat.

"Ay, Snipah," Demoman muttered into Sniper's ear. "Ya see anywhere t' eat yet?"

"No," he responded. He was driving his van across town, trying to find a place to get some lunch since they ran out of food at home. There was literally nothing to eat, he could've sworn he'd been driving in circles.

Why was everyone in the van? He wondered, having much preferred being alone. He assumed that no matter how drop-dead boring Teufort was, it was still better than sitting at home inside all day.

Pyro was sitting on the floor of the van playing with a balloon animal. Heavy and Demoman we're playing a game of tic-tac-toe, only Demo kept accidentally putting his x's outside the squares. Soldier was standing up straight and somehow not falling flat on his face. Scout and Engie were taking a nap. Spy was smoking in the back of the truck and flipping through one of his magazines. Medic was in the seat right next to Sniper and was readjusting his mirror, trying to get the blazing sun out of his face.

"scheisse," He said, "Zhis sun ist killing me."

"Hey, mate," Sniper said. Medic was definitely the only one he trusted in the front seat. "At least it isn't summer anymore."

"Ah! You've got a point there," he replied, looking out the window. "Halloween is around ze corner, you know vhat zat means." An evil-looking grin spread across his face as if he were sickly excited for something.

Sniper nodded. Of course he knew. Merasmus would screw with them and try to kill them like he did every year.

"Oh, hey! Zhere's a McDonald's!" Sure enough, there was.

Finally! A place to eat. He'd been looking for 30 minutes at least.

"DID SOMEBODY SAY MCDONALDS?" Yelled Soldier, pushing past Sniper and Medic. "WHY, THATS THE MOST AMERICAN RESTAURANT THERE IS! ITS FINGER-LICKING GOOD!"

"Soldier, stop," Sniper grumbled, pushing him out of the way. "You're gonna make me crash this van!"

He ended up knocking into a stop-sign, not enough to break it but enough to severely bend it. Tire marks littered the pavement, and a trash can was knocked over, spilling garbage everywhere.

"Agghhhh, just perfect." He clumsily pulled into the drive-thru, nearly crashing into three other cars.

"Alright mates, time to order."

Heavy shook Engineer and Scout awake.

"Huh—WHAT?" Scout snapped, waking up almost instantly. He balled his hands into fists. "I'm awake, I'm awake."

"Great, now order. We're getting McDonald's."

He pulled into the speaker, where the lady on the other side greeted him and asked what he'd like.

"OH, I WANT A HAPPY MEAL!" Soldier yelled over Sniper's shoulder. "AND MAKE SURE IT HAS THE BOY'S TOY IN IT."

"Uhh yeah, guess I'll have a happy meal too—Holy crap!" Scout said, looking out the window. Outside was a humongous billboard that featured a haunted house and 3D cardboard bats and ghosts. Definitely didn't look half bad and stood out from the rest of the boring insurance billboards you'd expect to find in town. In large words in comic-book font spelled:

MERASMUS's HAUNTED HOUSE

"Yo Soldier, ain't this your old roommate or somethin?" Scout asked, pointing to the sign.

Sniper's interest was definitely peaked, but still
kept his focus on actually getting lunch. "Guys, order. Or else I'm just getting you a black coffee."

Soldier peered out Scout's window until he was practically on top of him as the rest of the mercs ordered. His jaw dropped. "Why, do my eyes deceive me? Is that my old roommate, Merasmus?" He cackled. "HEEHEEHEE! His life must've really gone downhill since being a magician!"

Sniper pulled out of the drive-thru, and he and Medic helped hand everyone their food. True enough, there was a billboard of a haunted house with Merasmus's name all over it.

"What on bloody Earth is he trying to accomplish?" He asked to no one. "Is this his new way of killing us this year or something?"

"WE SHOULD CHECK IT OUT!" Soldier said enthusiastically, taking a bite from one of his chicken nuggets. "It'd be a neighborly thing to do to say hello to a good ol' roommate! Am I right, fellow Americans, or am I right?" He scowled. "CRAP! They gave me the girls toy!"

Heavy shook his head. "Not good idea. I don't want to die this year."

Demoman poured some scrumpy into his black coffee. "I dunno lads, I gotta bad feeling 'bout this. Isn't Merasmus the man who tries ta kill us each year? An' didn't he curse me eye?" He took a swig of his drink. "...eh, ne'ermind, I'm fine wit whateva."

"C'mon guys, even if Merasmus tries to kill us, we can just bring our weapons just in case!" Scout said. "I mean, what's tha worse that can happen? There's nothing else to do anyway since I've already visited the Tom Jones museum 46 times."

Engie readjusted his hardhat. "It's probably best we don't come. This is Merasmus we're talkin' about. He's always been tryna kill us every year."

At the moment, it seemed as if the best idea was to just not come. Despite being clueless at times, Merasmus was still definitely a threat. They didn't want Miss Pauling to get pissed off at them either. At the end of the day, though, there really was nothing else to do except be bored at home.

So when Soldier suggested they go a second time, they all agreed.