Randomness of a Highschool Senior.

Love Lost

Ever lose someone close to you? Say a grandparent, or for those who've had an even greater loss, a parent.. The news hits you so hard that you start to feel dizzy. And when that wave of dizziness hits, it's so strong that you have to sit down? But your attempt to sit turns into you kinda falling. And as you sit there the tears start to fall because the information is just to over whelming for them to stay.. The next few days go by in a blur, as you start to feel yourself turn into a zombie. You don't sleep well, your appetite diminishes, and you become this emotional wreck.

At the funeral your sitting in the phew trying to listen to what the pastor is saying but all that's coming to your ears is his voice in murmurs and the sound of blood rushing in your head. You look at the coffin and try to stop the sob that you know is about to come out, holding your hand over your mouth. But it slips out anyway. And as the sob comes out your body, you know you've lost the fight. That your heart is breaking..

You feel the snap and the pressure weighing down on your chest. Feeling like you can't breath, you open your mouth to get oxygen in your lungs but you cry out loud instead of inhaling. So your just sitting there.. Just crying... People try to console you but their words feel meaningless to your heart. As they lower the coffin into the grave, you know it's the last time you'll ever be able to see her again..

The uncertainty of the next few weeks beating down your spirit so bad that when you return home, you don't cut on the TV, you don't look in the fridge for food, you don't even check you phone for any missed calls or messages. You just lay down, right in the middle of the floor. Clothes and shoes still on. Because waking to your bedroom and changing is to far and to much activity for you to handle. Pulling your legs up to your chest, your rock yourself and cry. Harder than all day. Cry because she passed away, because you won't see her again, because... Because the pain is greater than ever. You sit there and ask,

"Why now? Why her? She was a good person.."

As the months pass, you treat them as monthly reminders of loss. Each month, on that day, you shut down, the absence of communication with her is greatly noted. Suffocating, if not. You know that she's gone, you were there, when the coffin was covered with dirt..

You start to feel abandoned. You just can't shake it, feeling like she left you. You start to dream about her, when you sleep, you dream memories and the one that repeats the most often is the one when you last saw her alive. Weak and sick in a hospital bed. Waking up and getting out of bed has become a hard task that you must overtake day after retched day.

A few more months has passed and the feeling starts to recede. You no longer feel the battle to get up. You smile more often, a real, genuine smile. The crying fits on those days have stopped. You find yourself talking to her on the days you get lonely and down. Telling her all about your day and what happened, holding a conversation with the one in the sky. And next thing you know, it's been a year. This time, you don't cry, you get sad for a bit of the day, but then you smile and look up. Knowing that she is in a better place, you say to the sky,

"I love you.. And I miss you so much, but I know you're looking after me up there now. So stay happy because I'm alright now."

Feeling a  slight sense of closure you sleep better at night. Your friend tell you,

"You seem better nowadays" with a smile in their face.

You start to live again, move forward, even when you've lost love..

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So! This chapter was really hard for me to write, my grandmother passed away last year and last week made it a year.. Had been in a funk for awhile so writers block hit ready hard this time.. Sorry folks. However I do want to dedicate this one to her, she'll always have my love.

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(Little star below ^.^)

P.s. this song came out around the time she died and was played to her funeral so it will forever be her final song to me. Thought it was a nice touch.

~ThePoetWithin

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