Hers

Letting Go

I hadn't slept most of the night. I spent most of the time packing and stressing about the move. I had one more night in this apartment to get the rest of my items together and finally move out. I talked to Katie Friday night about me moving out. She wasn't exactly happy about it. She said even though she supported my idea of my new life with Emerson she didn't think it was going to come so soon. She calmed down after I told her Emerson was going to cover the rent on the first and possibly the next couple of months until they found a new roommate

Katie had been a wonderful friend. If it wasn't for her and Leslie I would probably still be on the street. She was like a sister to me and moving out was heartbreaking. But I needed to do this. For myself. I started to gain feelings for Emerson as well. It wasn't love, yet. But it was surely getting there.

The way she cared for me intrigued me. I smiled every time she came into my mind. I finally had someone to take care of me while I truly got back up on my feet. Back home was always a reck. My mother was strict, and yeah I had what was necessary but I was never truly taken care of. She was extremely difficult to talk to. It was her way or no way. My issues or needs were none of her problems. You study, you work hard, and have no emotions. That was her unspoken memo.

Religion was a huge part of my life back home. Not because I actually was religious but my mother's morals and beliefs were always imposed on me. I had to attend Sunday church school as a child. I remember it was 8th grade when I realized I wasn't straight on a Sunday afternoon in my Sunday church class. A tall blond girl was giving her presentation about who knows what. I wasn't paying attention. I never did. I was always on autopilot. But what I remember was how pretty she was. Model straight out of a magazine pretty. That's when I realized I liked girls. She was never a crush, not like Lexie, but I always enjoined looking at her beauty.

Of course, my admiration didn't last long because our teacher Mrs. Workaskie quickly noticed me staring at her and took me aside. "What do you think you are doing Jacqueline" she shouted in my face. She spit talked and I could smell her cigarette smoke breath. "You can't look at young girls like that. It's like you like her. You can't be one of those gays. you are a child of God......" I soon went on autopilot like I always did and ignored the rest of her preach. She then switched my classes agreeing she wouldn't tell my mother.

Katie busted into my bedroom. "Hey, girl. Look at you. In a couple of weeks, you went from being with Derek dushbag to being with Ms. Rich Hotty. Good. For. You." she said now sitting comfortably on my bed.

"haha yeah, I guess my luck is finally changing."

"Girl, whenever you can just invite me to your place and well hang out. I'm dying to go to your new place. I bet it's epic. !"

"Yeah, it's pretty nice. But I'm going to be focusing on school then maybe college." Katie was in the local community college. She had a part-time job at a beauty salon but was never in desperate need of money. Her father was always looking out for her. In her situation moving into a junky apartment with Leslie, and then I, was her choice. She was in this area because she knew Leslie wasn't able to afford anything better. Unlike Katie, Leslie struggled with money. She lived with her brother and mom but she ended moving out because their old one-bedroom apartment wasn't big enough. Gladly, they picked an apartment cheap enough for me to be able to cover on my own.

I wondered what would have happened if I was never caught with Lexie that night. Would I be going to Stanford or Harvard right now? My mother owned a restaurant. It was her baby. She took better care of it than I. I would probably be in a dorm room right now having the full college experience fully covered by my mother.

"Girl... hello!" she advertised waving her freshly done nails 2 inches away from my face. "Katie to Jackie, respond Jackie"

"sorry" I pushed her hand playfully " I was on the moon for a second."

"so, now that you are moving are you taking any of this furniture girl? Cause if not Leslie and I will."

"uuhhh..." I thought for a second ", no, actually I shouldn't. Emerson said that my bedroom would be move-in ready"

"New Vanity FOR ME!" Katie celebrated. If there was anything in that room I had spent real money on was my Ikea vanity. I enjoyed getting ready. It was so therapeutic and relaxing. The rest was useless crap from Goodwill or pass downs from friends. But I had to let it go. I needed a fresh new start and I certainly didn't need a reminder of my past struggles.

Night rolled around and I had to finally go to bed. My mind was racing all over the place. Will I like my new place? I was falling in love with Emerson and I surely wished she was falling in love with me too. What if it didn't work out? Would I come back here? But Katie and Leslie would for sure find a new roommate. What if this didn't work out? I would have nowhere to go. I would be back to square one. No, it was going to be alright. It had to. This was the right choice, Jackie. It has to be.

I stared out the window. This was the last night I would sleep with sirens and the ghetto bird (a police helicopter) roaming above my apartment complex looking for who knows who that probably broke in somewhere. Shutting my mind off was never easy but the tiredness and the urge to sleep finally took hold of me and I fell into a deep sleep.