The first 5 minutes or so were filled with nothing but the excruciating weight of silent thoughts. I drove mindlessly, gripping the steering wheel like it was my lifeline. It was all I had control over. I get to decide where we go and I can end this at any point; I'm in the driver's seat. Luckily, everything was so familiar that I was able to drive in such a numb, dissociated state. I was so exhausted at this point; I wish Harry would just say something, anything, to make sense of it all. I needed that, and I deserved that.
I glanced over at him for the first time since we had started the drive. I had never seen him look so small. He had always been very private and isolated, but never small, not until right now at least. His hair has grown to shoulder length again, he looked tired, and I hadn't seen him put an actual outfit together in weeks. I could tell he was struggling from the way he was bouncing his leg, fidgeting with his rings while his eyes wandered anxiously at the world around him. It hurt to see. I honestly felt like I was next to a stranger and that scared me. As the time went on the weight got heavier, as if Harry's guilty was feeding off of him from the inside out. I couldn't help but empathize with him. Guilty is a merciless fiend and I knew that all too well.
Everything within me softened. I know in this moment, I don't owe Harry my comfort, but I reached my hand out and laced his fingers with mine. While I may have been feeling extremely unpleasant emotions from all of this, I wanted Harry to know I didn't love him any less; I wanted him to know that I was here to hear him out, this was a safe space. I kept my eyes on the road, but I could feel that Harry's gaze had shifted as he gripped my hand like I had been the steering wheel. I decided to start the conversation because this silence was unproductive, I was getting a little impatient, and the clock was ticking.
"Haz, I can't explain this to myself," my tone was cold. I took a deep breath and tried again. "I don't mean to sound so harsh, but we can't go on until this is discussed. I love you. I am here to listen and give you a chance. That being said, I also deserve an explanation. I deserved one a while ago. You've been avoiding having a conversation of any substance with me for weeks. I've barely seen you and now, the first time I do you're with L-Le-... him..." I stopped myself for a moment. I didn't want to say anything I would regret. Tears had puddled a little within my eyes and I was just sick of crying. Harry softened his grip on my hand and began soothingly rubbing his thumb along the top of my hand. Just what I needed. He's still got that instinct.
"You're right. You deserved and deserve a lot better than my recent behavior. I truly am sorry for the confusion and pain I've put you through. It wasn't fair or really even necessary. I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I love you. I recognize my shortcomings and I want to explain how I fell down this rabbit hole. I just don't know where to start."
"The beginning might be a good place," I joke a little. We both already felt a shift in the atmosphere. That was the first moment we had felt like us since Christmas. Now here we are in the middle of March. I decided to park in a lot so we could make eye contact. I wanted us to be as honest and present with one another as we could be.
"This is going to be a lot," he warned. I nodded, showing I was listening. "January 3rd. That's the beginning of it all. You and I had just had a marvelous movie date where we barely watched the movie," Harry blushed a little, as did I. "Anyway, after you had dropped me off and we had said our goodbyes, I went into the house feeling so euphoric. I walked in with the excitement to tell my mom I was home so she could sleep and you and I could facetime. I wandered into the kitchen and my mom and my dad both looked so serious. It was something bad I kn-knew it," Harry started tearing up. My heart was racing a little. I was so nervous where all this was going. Harry took a deep breath and continued. "They told me to sit down. That's when they told m-me... they told me they were getting a divorce because my dad had found someone." Tears began to fall as Harry finally said the words.
My heart began to ache. Harry's family has always been such a core part of who he is. That most have been and probably still is so hard on him. I rubbed his back. It hurt me to know that I had no idea. That he had kept something so important a secret, but I put that thought aside.
"Then what happened Hazza," I attempted to allow him to move on hopefully to ease the ache a little.
"I.. uh ran upstairs in an angered and shocked state. I slammed my door and I just curled up on my floor and bawled. That's why I never answered your call that night. I didn't want to add the stress to you while you tried to heal from... him... it was a stupid thought process, but it really manifested in my brain that my problems and me were going to make me do more harm than good. So I started disconnecting myself. I figured I could just lean into my art and I'd get through it okay... It was stupid I know..." he sighed. "I was finally getting to a point where I was ready to let you in because I felt so guilty keeping this big thing from you because all it was doing was making me avoid you, until I went to my dad's new place to meet his girlfriend and her kid. I come in to his house already in a shitty mood, when I see Levi just there. My dad is fucking his mom. I looked at my dad and in a state of rage I hadn't felt since I had beat the shit out of Levi. I ran out so fast."
I was stunned. I had no idea how to even comprehend the information, but I just kept listening and rubbing Harry's back letting him continue.
"As time went on, I just felt worse and worse. Levi was now living with my dad because he moved them in and my dad proposed. I had no idea how to even begin to process the divorce. I felt so far buried I didn't know where to start with talking to you. I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to tell my boyfriend that my step brother was going to be his abuser. I felt like I couldn't escape this nightmare I needed out of, because it wasn't a nightmare; it was reality. I stopped going to school, stopped painting, everything felt like I didn't deserve it because of all I had done to you. Levi and I have been forced to learn how to coexist. We decided we should start getting coffee to establish boundaries. We've only done it one other time other than today. It's all become such a monster of events... That's how I dragged us here. I love you Lou and I should've just told you from the start as things started. I'm sorry. " At this point Harry just had to wet streaks continuously cascading down his face.
We hugged tight as we just cried for an hour. We were far past the time limit but I didn't care. Harry and I need this. I was going to need time. We discussed where we needed to go from here and while things were still rocky. It was just going to need a lot of time and patience from both of us. Even though I was still processing and would be for a longtime, I felt at peace. We were going to be okay and that was all I needed.
"Are you ready to go deal with Zayn?" I asked chuckling.
"I never am when he's angry, but I'm working on not avoiding things," Harry winked out me, "so it's a good place to start."
"Well then... here we go Hazza."
With that, I kissed his hand and we braced ourselves for the start of a long process to repair what had been damaged. The amount of work ahead of us was daunting, but holding Harry's hand was the only motivation I need. This boy was worth it. He always has been.
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a/n: hi lovelies! i am so sorry for the delay. i cannot give a good time frame as to when i can update again but i am so happy to finally give you this. thank you for your patience and your dedication to my book. i am forever in awe of the reach this has had. thank you! i hope you all are well! let me know your thoughts! if you can, please vote, comment, and share! thank you for reading and thank you for supporting me! sending all my love! as always, tpwk! ☆༄ ~ruth ♡
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