We had just ordered our food and the evening had been going well. Harry sat in between Noah and I while the lads were across from us. I had been having a few almost flashbacks, but I was managing luckily. Harry's hand was in mine and that had been keeping me grounded. I felt such a need to protect my ability to touch Harry because it had been taken away from me for months. Levi kept me from the greatest joy in my life and I was scared this new friend was capable of the same destruction. I had nothing against Noah; in fact, he was a really funny, kind guy, but because of Levi I still had a lot of paranoia.
All my anxieties aside, I was actually enjoying myself. I had my extremely hot boyfriend holding my hand, leaning on me, kissing me, and he had a pretty mark on his neck from me. Noah had bonded with the lads about music, food, and sports. Zayn and him were really getting along and he really was a delight.
"So Noah, you're currently getting into modeling. How often do you have to work out for that career path? I mean you're jacked." Zayn asked in what seemed like a seductive tone. Zayn had been almost eyeing Noah all night. Although, he may just be actually curious because he was considering pursuing modeling himself. Noah blushed.
"Oh, uh, the career itself doesn't require a set amount of working out. Some places want really skinny boys like Vetements while Calvin Klein wants more of a built man look. I've always worked out at least two hours a day. It's a personal thing not a career thing." He explained.
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I mean it just sounded so douchey to me or maybe it was just the fact that I was a little intimidated by him. I went to kiss Harry's hand to ease my mind but he removed his hand from my own and wrapped his hands around Noah's biceps. My blood was beginning to boil.
"Noah's always been so ripped. I mean look at his arm! It's ridiculous! Even when we were younger in like grade 7 and 8, he was already muscular. You can see why he was my sexual awakening." Harry giggled.
He was speaking in such a flirty way that it really felt like a jab to the heart. I mean, I was right fucking here. How could he talk like someone that in front of me? The way his hands were wrapped around his muscles while he gawked at how hot he was. I felt sick as my mind began to think about how Levi would touch me while I was unable to touch Harry. I felt so out of control and I was angry. I knew I was only angry because of my own insecurities, but I wasn't level headed enough to talk myself out of it. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I sighed fetching it from my pocket. It was a text from Niall.
Nialler: You alright mate? You look like you're going to kill someone.
I looked over at Niall who was across from me looking at me intensely. Harry continued to flirt as did Zayn. I was a little worried about Liam because he looked hurt and uncomfortable, but I had no time to worry about it. I looked back over at Niall who looked at my phone and back at me waiting for a response. I began to type.
Me: I think Harry is fucking with me.
That was my simple response because that's what it felt like. I really felt like Harry was trying to get me jealous because he knows I'm impulsive and hot tempered. I felt like he was trying to manipulate me into getting over protective. Levi made me feel like everyone was out to get me. I had really overcome those feelings, but they were creeping in fast. My thoughts were beginning to do what they always did. I was overwhelmed with Levi stuck in my head and Harry stuck to Noah. I began to hear Levi speaking to me in my head and put my hands up to my ears cuffing them. I wanted his voice to go away. I was trying so hard to control the attack that was approaching, but that always made it worse once I finally let them happen.
"Don't tell me to fucking relax," I mumbled to myself.
"Louis what did you say?" Niall asked pulling everyone's attentions onto me. That was the last thing I wanted or needed. I started feeling the burning to my neck and that just made me shake and quiver.
"Nothing," a hand was graced on my back making me jump. I looked over to see it was Harry. He looked shocked at my sudden reaction. "I'm going back to the hotel. Here's my card." I shakily rushed getting it out. I threw it on the table before putting my wallet back into my pocket.
Everyone was shocked and confused at my sudden outburst, but it wasn't sudden. It had slowly been burning the entire night. They just didn't know it. I was so frazzled trying to get myself out of there. I began to walk away and Harry grabbed my arm. I jumped again.
"Lou, honey, what's going on?" He asked. He was nervous and concerned for me.
"Nothing I just don't feel well." My voice was flat and my tone bitter. The coldness Levi had planted in my skin was seeping through me. Harry was shocked and hurt by my tone. I could see it in his eyes, but he just kissed my hand sweetly and smiled a forced smile.
"Okay get home safe sweetcheeks. I'll see you after dinner. Please drink some water and snuggle up. You can steal my blanket that you love. I'll bring home your food and we can watch something in our pyjamas." He spoke softly.
My heart softened a little. I kissed the top of his head wrapping my arms tightly around him while he sat in his chair. He hugged me back the best he could and I stood there hugging him for a moment. I slowly broke the contact before rushing out of the restaurant. I hated this sinking feeling Levi had left in me. It felt like he still had that control over me he still so desperately desired.
I got into a cab and was riding back to the hotel. The car ride was full of me shaking and suppressing a flashback. I haven't had one while alone in awhile. I continued to suppress the PTSD attack as much as I could but I knew I was going to happen soon I could only suppress the need for so long. I also knew the longer I forced it down the worse it would be but I couldn't have one in public. I was still angry at Harry for being so flirty, but I knew it wasn't his fault. He was just being nice, but emotions were no place for logic. I gave the cash to the driver and thanked him. I rushed upstairs reaching my room. That's when I popped and there was no suppressing it now.
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a/n: hi lovelies! i hope you all are well! i am so glad i finally got to sit down and write! thank you for your patience! i've missed you all! let me know your thoughts! if you can please vote, comment, and share! thank you for reading and thank you for supporting me! sending all my love! ~ruth ♡
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