The Sinner Family

Why?

Disclaimers:
Mentioning of sexual assault
Mentioning explicit scenes and acts.
Kind-off sinner-ry?

This may have spelling mistakes and junk soo sorry about that
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I dont really know when all of that began, I was young, like very young.
Maybe I was Eight, or Seven, like I said:I cant remember.

Thinking back I dont understand why I never did anything. He said we were playing, it was okay, I couldn't tell mommy or he would be gone for ever.
I loved him, of course I did. He was my everything.

Why?

At first it was only rubbing. At the age of maybe Nine or Ten I have given my first blow job.

Younger or same age, he tried to actually do it.

Why?

I can only remember it little, since I was so young.
I never understood what we did, how could I? I was a kid.

I should be disgusted, by him, by me, but I wasn't.
In fact as I grew older I understood what we did, I understood it was wrong but it didnt stop.

The last time we did something sexual was maybe one or two years ago.
I sometimes still fear being alone with him.

He touches me, he never stopped that.

Why?

He would make me suck him, jerk him off but thats it. When I was younger then 12 he would try putting it inside me but he never did.

Everytime I think about it, it feels like a dream. Like something I may have only imagined, Mandela Effect.

Mandela effect, I often think I experience that when I think about it.

I mean, he wouldn't do that, he shouldn't have done that.

Why?

Could I go to the police? Probably.
Would it make a difference? Probably.
Would people believe me? Probably not.
I dont have any evidence after all, I never told anyone.
Do I even want to go to the police? No.

You may think:What? But thats not supposed to happen. You could've get a trauma. Or something along those lines.

True, the catch is:I'd trust him with everything. He was always there for me, I was a wreck when he left me for nearly half a year.
I couldnt stand never seeing him again.

Why?

Its not even like it bothers me much, I dont often think about it, to be honest.

Of course, I know it is wrong, it's a crime.
But I didn't know that you're not supposed to to that. How could I?

Talking about the overall topics of ràpe, sexual assault or harassment doesn't trigger anything. I can even make sexual jokes, talk about the topic openly without having flashbacks or something.

Why?

I remember one time, I was in 5th grade, He got a new phone, meaning he didn't need his old iPhone anymore.

I asked if I could have it, he said sure..if I did something for him. So I did, we didn't do it, only jerking him off.

Why?

I know, sounds like prostitution.

Whenever I wanted something he'd make me do it. To this day it makes me afraid of asking something from him, when were alone.

Can I have this?Sure but only if you do something for me.
You dont love me anymore.
Dont you love me anymore?
I'll remember that the next time you want something from me.

God, I wanted to hate him so much.

It probably shouldn't affect me so little, scratch that, it doesn't affect me at all.

Kids are getting traumatized and well I didnt. Lucky right?

Why?

I often considered telling someone, a friend, my mom, my sibling but at what cost? That I'll never see him again? I couldn't bear that.

Though, we drifted apart, the thought of him leaving isn't as painful anymore.

Probably because I went through it and it completely wrecked me. I will never go through that again.

Why?

I often ask myself this question. Why would he do this? Why me? Why a minor? Why a eight year old?

Like I said it stopped, not fully though. He would touch me.

Between the legs, on my chest, my butt.
It made me feel dirtier the older I grew.

So, Why?

Why did you do all this stuff to me? I'm your daughter. I was a kid. I was your kid. You knew it was wrong, I couldn't know it.

Was it my fault? Of course not. I was a kid when it began.

Was it the not existing sex life with mom? Were you that desperate that you did that with your eight year old daughter?

You made me take it in my hand, mouth, you made me kiss you a way a parent should never kiss their kid. You shot the white substance on places no one, especially you weren't supposed to touch.

Why did you do it?
I'll never ask you this, because I dont wanna know the answer.

You're my father, I dont wanna know even though I wonder why.

Maybe someday it will stop, you'll stop touching my body.

But I will never stop, asking myself this one, simple question.

Why?

I put my pen down, staring at the little blue colored diary that was laying on top of my duvet.
I recently spill my thoughts or secrets into the diary Elliot gave me last month for my Birthday. He's a great friend, I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. Someday I might tell him about it.

I stood up, walking out of my room and down the stairs. Since a few years we all moved together. Elliot,Tine,Ariana,Alex,Savvi,Rachel,Sofi,Eno and more, we all lived in a rather big house. Since we're all off age and have jobs we could split the payments and now are half through owning this house.

I smiled and greeted Elliot whom was sitting on the kitchen counter,he wore a dark sweater and jeans, his feet were warmed by thick wooly socks. He looked like he was about to go outside into the cool November Weather.

I took out a bowl, milk, a spoon and cereals not oblivious to the pair of eyes looking with concern into the back of my head.

One day I will tell you.
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Written by: ElliBanana