Overthinking

Stupid Smiles

Stop it. You’re so stupid, following this boy that you barely knew through the school. He could be a rapist, a serial killer. You stupid girl. Turn around. Go back. He could be leading you to the basement to finish you off. Maybe that was his thing: preying on stupid girls like you who won’t tell.

Why are you still following him? Can’t you see that behind that grin could be gleaming teeth that could rip you to shreds? Why else would he be talking to you? There is no other reasonable explanation. Your pathetic, a freak. Why would he even notice you? You mean nothing. You’re nothing special. You still won’t be if you keep going. Are you even listening to you anymore? Don’t you know already that I know best? Turn around.

Maybe he won’t notice if you slip in a corner and wait until he’s gone to run away. Hello? Stop staring at him. You don’t have a chance. What did I just tell you? Don’t you dare let him hold your heart for even a moment. All he will do is throw it at the ground and shatter it, you stupid freak.

I rubbed my temples with my fingers, another headache coming on.

 I was starting to get worried where Fish was taking me, but for some strange reason, I wanted to follow him. I wasn’t sure why, but I think it had to do with the fact that I was sick and tired of giving into my anxiety. I mean, this could be it. This could be the start of recovery. Or maybe I was just being too stupid and optimistic. It couldn’t really be a new beginning. I mean, there are no new beginnings.

The halls were vacant by now, and I was starting to worry that we would get in trouble for it. But no one seemed to hear us. We were on the back stairway, traveling up, and a blast of pain hit me and made me stop suddenly behind him. He didn’t notice, and he kept walking up the dull white stairs.

STOP!  My head screamed at me. Stop. Are you crazy, you stupid girl. You worthless dreamer. What do you think will happen up there? STOP! LISTEN TO ME!

Something inside of me responded to my head and a smile inched its way across my face. I pushed through my headache and stumbled after him, my smile widening. Something felt good about being my own person, breaking every rule I had taught myself to survive. I clutched my books tighter in my hands as we climbed higher and higher.

When we had finally reached the top level, where there was a door that lead into the next vacant hall way. Fish threw it open and gestured for me to follow without turning around. I hesitantly, but surely did so, and we were walking down the lonely hallway to the end, where there were a set of double doors that led to the auditorium. Fish cracked it open and we both slid inside.

It was weird being in the large room without a whole mass of students taking every available chair. It was sort of sad in here, lonely.

Fish then, bounded up the side stairs to the stage with a glorious look on his face that reeked of mischievousness. I thought that this is what he was going to show me, and I was suddenly annoyed that he had dragged me up here and got me all excited for the auditorium, but to my surprise, he laughed and said, “Come on.” He then disappeared behind the door that lead to backstage.

I tried to run after him, to catch up with him, grilling to see what else there could possibly be, but when I got to the door, it was like he had vanished. I looked around for a second, then started backing out slowly. It was pitch black, so I couldn’t see when Fish came out of nowhere and made me shriek with surprise.

His smile dimmed slightly at my expression. “Sorry.” He said in a sympathetic tone as his smile gradually returned. He then held his hand out and said, “Here. You can’t see anything and I would feel bad if you tripped.”

He wants to hold your hand? Don’t let him! It’s a trick. What are you doing? Stop let go of his hand. Don’t you dare feel that way. STOP!

His hand was cold as it led me through the door and around invisible obstacles. I could just barely make out his silhouette, but he pulled back a side curtain and led me onto the stage, enclosed by the front curtain, and I could suddenly see him again. The source of light was dimly shining from behind a Wizard of Oz backdrop from the spring play. The light looked as if it was coming from some window. Fish led me closer and though it was now unnecessary for him to hold my hand, he still held it, leading me onward.

Behind the backdrop was a narrow isle where there was a door with a large window, beautiful bright light shining through it, making the dust particles flying around illuminate. The door was old, wooden and covered in a thin layer of dust. Fish plunged forward, his tall figure dragging me with him. He turned the knob and slid the door open with a creak. He dropped my hand to slip through and I followed him.

I let in a sharp breath when I realized that I was standing on a ledge to the side of the school. Two feet in front of me was the ledge that towered five stories over the alley. Fish looked amused at my expression, but then gestured to a ladder beside him that led even higher. My eyes grew wide as I realized that he expected me to climb it. “It’s okay. I’ve done it a million times,” he said after examining my expression. “Plus, I’ll be right behind you.”

I looked at the ladder, feeling courage bubble in my chest and hearing the protest boiling in my head. Without a second thought, I reached for the first rung with hands shaking like a massive earthquake. But I pulled myself up anyway, and I could feel the brilliance of it run through me, surging me forward like a child.

The top was scary and amazing and perfect and I was terrified and happy at the same time. I could hear as Fish climbed behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I was too busy taking it all in. The roof was painted white, making the sun hit it in a way that made it almost intoxicating to look at. The small city my school was located in was buzzing with life as people made their way through the streets.

“Can you see why this is my most favorite place in the world?” Fish said, now standing in my way. I nodded slowly, a smile playing with my lips. His face lit up again at my reaction. “Ah, so the girl finally smiles. See? I knew I could do it. No use hiding a smile like that one.” He said. I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks. He laughed lightly at my expression which only made me blush even deeper. I had to turn away.

I could hear him walking away from me and I turned to find him walking to the edge and sitting down, his feet dangling over the side of the building. I curiously trudged over and sat down next to him, careful to put a considerable amount of space between us. I watched him from the corner of my eye as he stared at the skyline. The sun was starting to turn the sky orange.

“So, kid, I just want to let you know that you can talk to me. I mean, I understand the whole speaking anxiety and stuff, but I just want you to understand that you have someone.” He said without looking at me. “I sort of understand, you know? I just think that everyone needs someone.” We both just stared at the distance.

Soon, I knew I had to cut him off, so I stood up and we both snuck back through the vacant hallways, through squealing doors and out onto the sidewalk where we both went our separate ways. As I started to turn away, he said to me, “Try to smile more, kid.” I grinned at the ground and trudged away from him, my books tucked tightly to my chest, suddenly so much lighter than they had been a few minutes ago. I laughed to myself.

You stupid girl.

“Yeah. Yeah I am.” I said to myself.

// Okay so I actually based this entire chapter setting off my Middle School (like legit every single detail) where my bestest friend in the whole world made me climb first so he and I could laugh at Petersburg city below us and make us stupid eighth-graders feel like we had a beautiful secret that was only ours to keep (Ah, 2013).

(btw, it would make me really happy if you left me random comments everywhere. Yeah thanks.)

-Terra