Ruby Red Tears

Chapter 6, But what if?

1968

Bella and I continued to meet in secret since the things that happened last year. Nobody seemed to notice us because we were good at hiding our secret relationship. Last summer I discovered the Room of Requirement, which helped us a lot. The last half year of our sixth year in Hogwarts was both the best and worst I ever had. The best because I found someone to love, someone to kiss, someone to hold at night - someone to hold tight. The best half year because I had someone to laugh with, to dance with, to lie with. But the worst because that person loved me back but just in secret, because we could only share kisses in the dark, and only hold each other in the night and we had to hold us tight, so that our shadows seemed like one. The wort because we had to make sure that our laughter was quiet enough and the muggle music playing from an old record player was quiet too and hard because we could only lie besides the other in a hidden room. Furthermore the atmosphere between Gryffindor and Slytherin got worse and Sirius and Bella always seemed to provoke each other. And having to deal a lot with The Marauders to seem normal I discovered that I might not be the only one with a dark secret. Sirius the Player of Gryffindor still flirted with almost every girl of the house but every time he was talking big he looked apologetic at Remus Lupin who just shook his head and hid behind the pages of a book. And the only time he looked up from those pages was to talk to Sirius. I didn't mind it but I knew they tried to hide something such as me. And it was good to have the knowledge of such things because you'll never know.

Later

The old vinyl record played scratchy All Along the Watchtower, a muggle song which got released this year and Bella and I danced around the Room of Requirement. She moved to the music a glass of fire whisky in her hand, hips and legs moving-feeling the muggle music without talking about how much better wizarding rock is. I danced over to her and we moved together. Calmly and still all the sparks were still there. Every touch lighting me up like a flame and every look burning my eyes. Bella turned around and placed her glass on a small glass table, took my hands and whirled me around, because of the momentum I had to scream out of excitement and she laughed- oh how I loved Bella laughing. In those moments she did not seem mysterious or sad, neither thoughtful nor sad- she had energy around her and seemed to feel free. In her laughter she laid her head back and was her own dancer to her own music nevertheless if music was playing or not. In those moments Bella was beautiful. As we laid on the bed looking into each other's eyes a few moments later I asked Bella "Why can't we just be like everyone else? I mean every couple on this school always kisses goodbye, sits together at the dining table- why can't we have this? Why can't we be normal"? She sat up and her long hair was the only thing covering up her pale body "Ffur", she said with a different intonation than a few minutes ago, when she whispered "I love you" into my ear, "I've explained it to you several times! We can't have that. You know my family, you know the history between Slytherin and Gryffindor" she almost screamed "and you know the world we live in! It's not just that we come from so different environments it's the fact that we both are women." The music stopped playing several minutes ago and so her words lingered in the air. The words echoed in my ears and the hardest thing was that deep down I knew that she was right. I knew that there was no way for us to be accepted like another couple no way for us to kiss at a party, but it still hurt "I know Bella- I know all of that. But since when is it forbidden to dream about things. I'm a poet everything I do is dreaming. All I want is you to share those dreams and be open to an If because maybe it'll be possible one day. Because maybe someday we'll be able to do all those things, if we hold close enough to our dreams." She left the bed and walked over to the table and reached out to her glass. "No Bella, please listen to me, don't stay silent. I'm not one of those 'friends' you have in Slytherin. I love you and I can't deal with you not responding to me sharing my deepest desires with you. You can't just say something and then remain silent after I explain my point of view." she put the glass to her mouth and swallowed "You want me to speak up? Well then I will speak up „she gestured with her arms and the fire whisky still left in the glass dropped on the floor. "You know what I think of your dreams? I love them and I love you, but you are so naive sometimes. Do you really think I don't wish all of those things for us? I do Ffur, I do. And that's why I hate to hear you saying those words, those beautiful words out of a beautiful mouth. „She walked towards me and continued to speak loudly and angry "I do want all of that but speaking about it makes it real and I don't want it to seem real because it never will be. „Her voice cracked "Bella," I started and reached out to her with my arms "No Ffur no, I'm not finished yet." "Well okay then finish your sentence I'm sure it'll be the same old manner as the ones before" I said pissed. "Yes if you think so why do we even talk?" She threw her glass away right on the record player, which fall and broke. The record itself fractured into sharp shards. "Could you please stop destroying everything?" I myself finally stood up and walked over to her. „oh so I destroy everything?" Bellatrix laughed but it wasn't a laughter that made her glow it was a cynical laughter that distorted her face and gave it a kind of crazy look. I made a footstep into her direction and tapped on a shard of glass with fire whisky still on it and it intersected into my foot and burned. "That's not what I meant Bellatrix" I extended my hand and tried to reach her. Bella laughed "So I'm Bellatrix again? What about Bella? Oh Ffur don't lie me straight in the face- that's exactly what you meant." I started crying out of anger and the pain in my foot. Bellatrix grabbed a piece of the broken record and moved towards me as if she wanted to hurt me. I stood there not able to move shocked by my beautiful Bellatrix seeming out of her mind and as the sharp top touched my forearm I whispered her name "Bella". She dropped the piece and put her arms around me. There we sat on the floor crying and hugging each other tears mixing with fire whisky and blood. "I'm so sorry Ffur", Bella sobbed. „Me too Bella, me too" I answered and in that night we slept turned away from each other but still holding hands.