Ruby Red Tears

Chapter 15, Nghynorthwyo

The summer holidays 1997

After my welsh grandmother died some years ago I inherited her little house in the mountains. Having broken up with Rose I spend all my summer holidays there writing on some books or poetry or simply hiking through the beautiful nature. I almost never visited her because I was afraid that my younger "I" wouldn't be able to hide her magic in front of my Muggle grandmother but she must have went sentimental in her old days and inherited her house to her only grandchild. I just got home from a walk through the green mountains and the hem of my tweet trousers was a bit wet. I grabbed the freshly cooked tea from my small kitchen oven and almost burned my fingers on the hot cup. I walked over to the old wooden desk just a few meters from the kitchen, it was a small house. But it was a beautiful one. Over the oven hung several herbs and dried flowers- flodau. The welsh flowers I was named after. I pushed back the chair and sat down, grabbing my quill and a piece of paper. I preferred paper over pergament because it was much cheaper and I wanted to have the possibility of cross out my words after writing them down. I sadly couldn't turn off my thoughts so I obviously often thought about the situation with Bellatrix Lestrange and how I felt somehow guilty for Albus death and being so naïve for my age. I was a Professor at Hogwarts the probably best Wizarding School in the world but yet she always made me feel like I was trapped in my 16 year old body and helpless. I grabbed my quill and black ink and started to write.

You paint and I feel the brushstrokes on my skin.

You sing and I feel the air on my lips.

You write and I feel the feather in my hair.

We are dancing in our dreams,

We are sleeping in our beds,

Rydym yn rhithwelediad gyda'n gilydd

Ac rydym yn dadansoddi ein gilydd sydd wedi'u gwahanu oddi wrth un arral.

Spending time in Wales let me get deeper into the welsh language and use it more often for my writings. I went through what I just had writing shook my head and touched like a reflex the chain around my neck with its green stone. I should probably take it off. I thought at myself but taking Bellatrix present of would mean completely ending it and I didn't feel ready to somewhat erase this important part of my own life.It would feel as if I wanted to cut her off and of course did I want that- if I wouldn't why did I break up with her that many years ago? But why were I still thinking of her even though she hurt me so much? Even though I could've lived a happy, normal life with Rosa?

I packed my few things into a pretty small leathern suitcase, made sure that my wand was where it mostly was- in my messy bun and made sure to lock the door even though I was sure that no one would come to the tiny house. I would spend the next days of the holidays in Hogsmead or more specific in The Hog's Head the small pub of Aberforth Dumbledore, Albus brother. After Sirius died circa 2 years ago the Order didn't enjoy meeting up in his house, Grimmauldplace 12. Especially my friend Remus had a tough time dealing with his death- obviously, he loved Sirius and they were together for ever and enjoyed every single minute together after Sirius was in Azkaban. I can't imagine what I would do if the person I loved most would die or be murdered. Remus obviously didn't know that I still loved the murderer of his husband nor did I understand myself. No one should ever know how much I loved the woman that murdered one of my best friends.

The next day

"Now finally get everyone inside it is freezing" Aberforth murmured I just looked across the room into my friend Remus eyes "It is freezing? We have July." I mouthed. He just smiled and shook his head. Seeing Remus was tough he looked so tired even more than normally and every smile seemed put on. Mad-Eye Moody patted Remus shoulder and checked the whole room before sitting down on a chair observing everyone with his normal eye and checking the pub door with the mad one. "It is July Aberforth calm down or we all will depart very soon." Tonks laughed. The young Auror always made me smile. She was such a confident young woman and sometimes reminded me of how I could've turned out if everything went different. Her vibrant hair, jokes and laughter made everyone's day a bit lighter. We all sat down around a shabby table in the middle of the pub discussing how we could possibly help - nghynorthwyo- the students in Hogwarts and the family members of those of us who weren't purebloods. "I will continue teaching at Hogwarts if it will be possible, concerning that I'm a halfblood. I will not give up my students I know Mad-Eye you're not interested in my teacher stories and me being nostalgic but I have to admit that teaching the kids is joyful and that I will do everything to provide a safe space for them under the regiment of a deatheater and his companions." "You are right Ffur we have other priorities than your passion for teaching language at a Wizarding shool" I stayed silent and looked at the older man with a smile nodding catching Tonks amused view. "Priority number one is the safety of your somewhat nephew Ffur" he looked at me until I nodded and he turned around to the rest of our circle "Potter. We have to bring him safely to the secret Spot and we have to bring him soon."

"Yes Mad-Eye we will, all of us that will help him get safe from one place to the other will be there and know there position." Tonks interrupted him. She was the only one that would do that. "Who of you will be at Bill and Fleurs wedding? Can I count you in Ffur?" I looked over to her and shook my head "No I won't be there I would feel out of place. I mean Bill Weasley is some sort of one of my former students and I wasn't really friends with Molly or Arthur back then when we went to Hogwarts. As Mad-Eye would say the less people the less danger." I looked over to Mad-Eye somehow waiting for approvement but he disagreed with me. "Normally I would agree with Ffur but we can use every soldier just for safety." "Soldier?" I laughed "Mad-Eye I'm a teacher" he answered looking at me with both eyes "Yes but this is a war and we all know that you can be a warrior from the first time." I just sighed and agreed to everything letting the rest of the discussion fading by.

I didn't enjoy thinking of the first Wizarding War and how Mad-Eye was somewhat right. Yes I was a soldier back then and fought for our freedom together with the original members of the Phoenix. I fought against deatheaters and was distinctly fighting for the other party than my secret ex-girlfriend. Yes I stopped dreaming all the time and grabbed my wand using spells that I don't want to remember. Yes I did all of that but in the end I wasn't able to help some of my best friends.