September m.c.

twenty

For a moment I was able to hold off all thoughts that didn't involve how warm and comfortable I was. I didn't know what time it was, nor did I care to move my head to the side to look at my alarm clock. But sunlight effortlessly filtered through the white curtains of my windows. It illuminated the room and gave the illusion of warm weather although I knew it was probably colder than what I tricked myself into believing. I didn't move one centimeter. Instead, I laid motionless on my back and just breathed and admired the moment. I felt a bit uncomfortable being completely exposed, with nothing but the comforter and Michael's arm covering me, but I was too damn comfortable to do anything about it. I never realized how restless and uncomfortable I had been over the past year until I was met with true relaxation this morning. I missed the feeling of putting the world away and just focusing on doing nothing, stressing about nothing and no one.

Eventually, my mind caught up to me and I slipped away from the bed to put on a pair of panties and a bra before laying back down. Michael stirred but didn't wake up, thankfully.

It was impossible to keep my other thoughts, the ones that poisoned me and seemed to stab at everything I was, at bay. The reality of what my decision brought to me was utterly unpleasant. I hated myself for becoming something I never wanted to be, yet I didn't regret one single moment of last night. Perhaps that was the worst part.

Oh, God, I thought to myself. I looked over to Michael who slept peacefully and remained oblivious to the war within me. What the hell was I going to do? It wasn't impossible to choose. I knew what I wanted and what I didn't want. The only problem was my methods of getting what I wanted and throwing out what I didn't. I didn't want to be that person who is selfish and hurts people to reach a goal, but how else was I to go about this?

"Violet, you look scared shitless."

I turned my head to see Michael, sleepy with adorable bedhead, looking at me through heavy eyelids. I relaxed my face, choosing not to reveal my worries to him just yet, and smiled at him. I squirmed under his arm trying seek a warmth that only he could provide.

"No," I lied. I wasn't sure if scared was the right word for what I felt. I just wanted to avoid confronting the problem, but that wasn't fair to anyone.

"Liar," he whispered jokingly. I breathed out a small laugh and went back to admiring the sunlight that painted my walls. I felt Michael's cold fingers brush across my cheek. "Something's bothering you."

I pursed my lips but didn't look at him. Maybe I should get all this out of the way, rip it off like a band aid.

"What we did last night wasn't right," I mused. There was no emotion in my voice, it was clear and simple.

"Shit," Michael breathed. "If you didn't-" He panicked slightly, misunderstanding my words so that he though I didn't want to have sex with him.

"No, Michael. Not that.  But what about Alex? It was wrong and we both know it!"

"Oh, please. The way I see it, you don't even really like him, and it was a matter of time before you dumped him. Sleeping with me just proved me right. Don't worry about it, Violet. You didn't want him; you wanted me."

"That doesn't mean that I don't care about him, Michael. And I don't want to be that shitty person who cheated on her boyfriend. I mean come on! That's horrible," I said, my voice rising with each panicked word.

"Violet, it'll all be okay. Besides, he doesn't have to know. We can keep this a secret until you break up with him."

"Okay, but what about me? I'd feel horrible about myself for cheating and lying to him after dating him for almost seven months. I don't want to feel that way and he doesn't deserve to be treated that way." It angered me how Michael assumed that I would just be okay with being a bitch to Alex. It was true: I didn't want Alex; I wanted Michael. I wasn't going to deny it anymore, but I wasn't going to do something so heinous to Alex even though he wasn't always the best boyfriend. I wanted to scream at Michael so he would understand that I wouldn't do that to Alex or anyone. It would hurt Alex and me, and I didn't want that. But Michael just wouldn't see that as both of our voices rose with every response to one another.