Starlight | completed

Chapter 18 | who am i

❝Hope is a fragile thing, and I fear you have broken mine.❞

Chapter 18 | who am i

my starlight,
do you ever look towards the stars and wonder what is even happening? do you look at your ceiling and think thoughts that you have no right thinking? these days my life feels like a whirlwind of a fog, i live but i don't live at the same time. i apologize even my thoughts aren't coherent to my own ears.

i recall what i said in the old letter, and i apologize. i think i can still see a spark in you. i'm sorry, i think it is just hard for me to accept that people change. but they do change. i think the world made you change, and there is nothing i can do about that. but you have a spark, at least you have that. you hold this unfathomable type of joy. it confuses me aera.

sometimes i think i'm in love with the idea of you, the idea of being loved by you. but then i realize, how could i be? i've known you through thick and thin, there is no idea of loving you. i do not wonder how it would feel to be loved by you, because i can almost taste how it would feel. it's there on the tip of my tongue, and i always seem to fail to reach it. but i can taste it aera.

it really is a pity that i will never be able to experience it. it seems for all my life, i've been luce nova and i've been utterly in love with you. at times i think to myself, who am i? who am i if i am not yours. for you see, everything that i am, everything that makes me who i am. at the end of the day it is all just truly yours.

at this point i like to think i have nothing left to lose. you told me once that we are nothing if we have don't have anything to believe in. but if i have nothing that i believe in, then you see i have utterly nothing to lose. but i think i have lost everything now. so i suppose i will just not believe anymore, hope is a fragile thing. and i fear you have broken mine.

reality always tends to dawn on me these days, the world i dream of is as real as a fantasy novel. i wish on the moonlight that makes you glow, that more than anything this reality was real. i wish that i was yours, and you mine. i think i love you unconditionally, but love often doesn't work out is what i've realized.

i know you love springtime, it's your absolute favorite. but just because you love springtime, it doesn't mean it will stay. you never seem to stay by my side. why do you crave his presence but never mine? why is it will and not me? aera, when tomorrow you look at a face that is not mine, and you think he is mines and i am his.

i will be here still. and i will wonder if you love him as much as i love you, i hope you do. but then i don't, i can't seem to let you go. and that is why i can never deserve you. that is why one day you will forget me, because as much as i want to hope you love him. for your sake, i should hope that. but i always seem to hope not. i wonder if when you were little, mere foolish kids. i wonder if he used to hold you when you would get restless in the middle of the night. i did.

it seems to me that the world is black and white at times, but you gave me some semblance of color. you made me appreciate the world, you made me shine. but you are no longer mine. and i do not know how to be without you. wait, what am i even saying? you were never mine aera.

to go on without you seems absurd, but i will manage. i always seem to manage just fine.

Luce looked at the letter in his hand, and folded it. He was right about to slip it into Aera's locker. But he couldn't find it in himself to do so. This letter made it clear as day, that he was not Will. If Aera was any form of smart, it made it clear that it was Luce. This could be his chance, but he didn't know if he could take it.