Fight To Forgive

The Magical Connection

We are fast approaching the end of my story. What happens after I have finished writing this story has yet to unwind, but I am feeling very positive,

I have had a number of magical connections in my life, we all do, none more defining than the 5th August 2020. I will talk about that one in a minute though.

Back as a teen, my most influential connection was a style on a bridal path overlooking a valley, stream bed, fields two big houses. This style kept me grounded. Many times we shared hours of meaningful silence and conversations. Those wooden steps could tell a story or two. They certainly kept me sain and resolved many a row and the pain from a beating.

My black liquorish stick as I called my clarinet. Until the calling of drama college closer to me than almost all my friends. We played out many an emotional time me and you. Our worst moment was after I threw you across my bedroom after a particularly bad thrashing. Thank god you landed on a mattress and did not break. We swayed and moved and cried together with Weber's Clarinet Concerto and had a ball with syncopated jazz. We lost each other, but one day I will once again pick up one of your relative and I hope I have the patience to start again and we will, musically be reunited.

My drama lecturer who showed me the way that led me to drama college, the cornerstone of who I am today with laughter, fun and a few male Friends. That's another story, my sexuality. One day maybe, buy don't hold your breath.

Freddy, oh beautiful Freddy. Would that we had met. When your Rhapsody wasn't Bohemian you told me that another one had bit the dust and that in the end the show must go on. My fantasy, hell this man was brave and knew how to live. He could have taken me under his wing anytime.

Musically my biggest connection was Supertramp. Timeless, underrated and original. My life can be summed in their lyrics. Many an hour has been spent listening to them, and many more to come. They are known for their song Dreamer. Such a shame as too many people it defined them and they listened no more. For me it was one of their worst songs, sorry chaps, I think Hide In Your Shell and If Everybody Was Listening and A Fools Overture define you. Those lyrics are my connection with you.

Alison, our double-edged sword. If only when it was my turn for my demons to show, I could have talked and we could have understood. You were my greatest what if of my life. The hours I spent walking near your house and driving past your house in the hope our paths would cross again. I never had the courage to walk up your drive and knock on your door. One long lasting gift I gained from your family was that fabulous photograph your dad took of your cat in full flight. This got me going as a photographer again.

My wife and partner who has stood by me through thick and thin. You have taught me so much about life and so much about not giving in. I love you so much, but those damn demons made me a real bastard at times. When the end of the road has been reached, I pray that we can draw a line and move forward. I hope I can be everything you could want as a husband and bring unconditional love back into your life. If not, we can enjoy the level of friendship that will bring joy, happiness and satisfaction back into the rest of your life.

My daughter, living proof that we have brought a wonderful and charismatic person onto this world. A talented artist, musician, debater and all round good and decent human being.

My sister, despite things and my poor ability to stay in contact with you, you are my only family and well, family is family. There is nothing else to add.

And this brings me to the 5th August 2020. I am in so much trouble starting a sentence with AND, sorry M. This was the day that an author and I shared our broken stories. It was the day I found a meaningful sponsor and I put my life in her hands. It was the first day I felt cleaner and happier and stopped acting out for good. Best of all, it's that moment in time my walls came crashing down without a shot being fired. It was the day that I found peace.

Since we electronically met, my demons have been permanently been evicted. Not a single thought of acting out has entered my head, my partner and myself have started talking and repairs are in progress, I have found the most incredible friend and I have found direction and freedom.

To make things clear, we are both married, happily, and have children. We are thousands of miles apart and will probably never physically meet. We are, I think as close as two people can get emotionally as friends, that reaching out extra I believe makes us so close and special. But our physical partners have, as my writer would say, our full hearts and there is only room for one.

Because of our honesty with each other and the clarity of our friendship/relationship we are able to look our partners in the eye knowing our physical relationships are safe and under no threat from what we have.

This woman has rescued me and made me whole again. I am completely healed and can feel nothing inside me that will cause pain to me or others again. This will be, like when I gave up smoking, the day I can't say 'I have been clean now for six weeks four days, five hours and six minutes', it's over. That moment is so close now, I can taste it.

So, I think you can see why this person is my Magical Connection.