Fight To Forgive

From Steps To Understanding

I contacted the Self-Help group contact centre and arranged to meet with one of their groups at a weekly meeting. Now, I need to clear something up straight away. Having spoken at length with the contact centre and my groups sponsor, Sexaholic 'the condition' is not at all what the name suggests. In fact, I don't know why it has this title. It would help so much if outsiders, and Jenny, really knew and understood what this was. It would make recovery so much simpler. Well I believe that anyways. So, in a nutshell, being over simplistic, what is this 'dirty' condition?

The condition in my case is for people who mentally have frozen in late teens due to trauma as a child and teenager. I have problem linking with people and maintaining an adult relationship. When I am in personal, emotional or work stress situations my connections collapse and I 'act out' to seek solace, take the pain away escape from 'life'. My forms of 'acting out' was reading adult stories, visiting porn sites, visiting chat sites. Without any control these episodes could last days and any risk could be taken to support this acting out. Eventually something would snap me out of it, usually a sickness at what I was doing or anger at home.

The wonderful thing about the meetings was they were anonymous; we were all there for one another. This was a programme that, if I was honest and worked the plan, successful. In many cases, in time 'the condition' can be beaten and with support a normal life can be achieved.

I tried to explain this to Jenny, but she was not prepared to talk about it or indeed help me. Again, in her eyes I am un-clean, dirty.

After a number of meetings, I asked somebody to be my 'buddy'. I could talk to them outside of meetings and talk with them daily to carry out some specific self-help actions. My recovery was starting.

Now came a stage in my journey with the group that was my first HUGE commitment. I had to tell the group 'My Story' release my story, my pain and anguish, my reasons for being in the group.

Now this is where the marriage guidance councillor came into this story. I spent a couple of weeks dragging from my memory my story. It changed constantly as new memories were revealed to me as the first memories were listened to, accepted and written down. To be honest, it turned into a voyage of discovery. I was amazed as to what came out and what I discovered about myself. Even as I write this story, years later, old memories are still surfacing.

The marriage guidance councillor wanted to hear my story and discuss it as she felt this action would form the foundation of resolving my issues with Jenny. It was a very emotional four hours with my councillor. There was understanding, tears, strange emotions that I do not understand, but a positive platform to move forward from.

The following week was the self-help group meeting. I delivered my story and afterwards felt so relieved. I had made a huge step. The monster lost his strangle hold of me. It was such a positive experience. On my way home from the meeting I made a big decision. If I could help save somebody from my personal hell, I wanted to do it. Now, I can't write for toffee, but I decided to commit my story to paper. It is this story. Even back then I knew the story title and its first line.

Now is the stage in our journey where I share with you, the reader, my story.