Fight To Forgive

False Starts

There are times in this life journey for people like me where long before our 'issues;' can be understood by ourselves that we 'know' that there is a problem, an issue, we are different. I mean, when you are unable to connect, form friendships or relationships of any kind in the long term how am I ever know what 'it' is?

In my teen years when I was feeling low, I had a special place that I went to. There was a bridal path near our house that ran through a local wood and when it came out of the wood there was a step going over a fence on the edge of a valley. All you could see was fields, a few houses, two big houses a lake and the path of a stream. There was a local superstition that the stream ran once in every seven years. If it ran more frequently or failed to flow, it was meant to bring bad luck. But that's another story for another time or book maybe.

It was a very peaceful and tranquil location. In those days a teens understanding was feeling a bit odd, not fitting in and lack of confidence. When the 'low' hit I would go to the steps and sit on them looking over at the valley, just emptying my head of thoughts blanking out the world and letting the breeze and wind just flow through me to clear my head and blow away my thoughts. I could just sit there for hours on end until I felt the pressure's I was feeling lift and blow away. At this time this was all I needed, I felt better, the world and everything was back in place where it should be. It was as though I was in control of this space, it kept a good 'copy' of myself and put me back together. For some time after everything would be just fine until some sort of issue stressed me, or there were problems with my dad, or something at school.

In those days life was so simple and the cures just as simple. But the good feelings failed to last. My first encounter with 'False Starts'. Every time I sat at the steps and headed home, convinced that this time.......

It's really strange, but whenever I moved to a new house as a teen or adult, the feel of the house would be positive. I would be convinced that the very fabric of the house was like it was a giant tape recorder. (if you know what a tape recorder is!). Each move was like a 'new start' for me. This time the bad thoughts would not happen, the fights, the struggles, the negativities the failures would be a thing of the past. I somehow linked my troubles to the place I lived remembering all these bad feelings, souring any lives within. I blamed the aura/memories of the house for me getting cross, angry, hard to live with, for not letting my bad stuff go. It would keep growing, eating me up inside and crushing me until I could not live here anymore and I would move. After getting married and buying our first house, this escape mechanism was gone. Things then became cyclic. How or why my partner stayed with me I cannot say. There must have been something she could see that was evading me.

This just tells you where my head was. I guess you could read this and suspect all kinds of mental stability issues. Truth is, I could see the bad things happening, feel what I was doing to the people around me, but due to my connection's problems, there was simply nothing I was capable of doing about it. But each move was another false start. I had yet to have the ability or knowledge to begin to address what was going on in my head and with my emotions. I wasn't looking seriously at me being the issue just yet.

Then I met the internet at work where I had unlimited access as part of my everyday work. My problems were about to rocket out of control and my attempts to control and subdue my demons. During this period the cures were more extreme. In fact, my attempted cures were fast becoming my new demons. After I crawled out of each cycle I was convinces that this time things would be different. Each time a new start. Each time a false start. I was fast approaching the moment my wife said to me – Is there anything you want to tell me?

The internet. That smiling face of the devil himself is how I used this technological wonder. In the right hands and used in the right was, a wonderful society changing tool. Scratch the surface and show any weakness and potentially you can release a snarling monster that takes no prisoners and doesn't give a damn anyway.

My entrance into this world was through interactive holiday games. You could be on a beach, see the other players and move your character. You could walk up to people and talk. Then you talk cheekily, then dirty, then obscene, then ......... You know the score. Each level a thrill that gives a positive buzz till it loses its affect, so too the next level. At the beginning of each level, my issues disappeared, by the time each level had lost its effect my issues were raging.

What next? Well it builds and builds, the same pattern – from a thrill to a horror. Eventually I was drawn into porn, chat sites and erotic literature. I don't propose to go any deeper because there is no need for the purposes of this story. I am sure that you, the reader, can join up the dots and use your imagination. Sufficient to say, if you can think it, I was probably there.

The truth is, to break the cycle I may have wanted to be caught and to be forced to open up and talk, hoping that talk would help me to finally understand just what the hell was wrong with me. I had not a thought in my head as to the damage I may cause or the hurt I may give to the person catching me. But with my illness, others did not come into the equation. As said earlier, my thoughts were not capable of thinking of others. What got me out of a cycle was the horror about where I was, the sickness as to what I was looking at or reading. The problem was that each time I snapped out of the cycle I was further in. This is why each new start was greeted by self-congratulation and massive relief. Each time it was The New Start to become yet another false start.

It has to be remembered that most of the time I was a normal person. These cycles could be months apart. Sometimes I felt I had broken the cycle. But, as soon as I thought that, it would be immediately be followed by a crash.

By now I was beginning to have a handle on some of my issues. What my problem was now was my lack of faith in myself to talk and the willingness of others to listen. I was way too scared to approach my doctor to seek help and I would not think about looking for self-help groups. I was not ready in my head or possessed the required strength to take on my demons yet. I think I was more scared about what I would find than the fight itself.

This now brings me to the start of my journey.

This is now the end of my false starts as I was about to be confronted with the truth, and finally the dawn of help was at hand.