Fight To Forgive

Those Hurt Along The Way

One of the stages of the self-help group is to list out all the people that you have hurt along the way to the point of when we wrote out our story. The idea is that you have to look at yourself and your story once again, but on this look, identify who I have hurt.

Sounds simple eh!

Well, consider this, with all the mis-connections and issues that people like me have had, we look back and everything is somebody else's fault, someone else's issues. There is always an excuse why whatever happened cannot possibly be our fault.

Now get me to look at my life and write out my story, openly and honestly, is hard enough. Ask me to go through this story and strip it down to name the people that I have hurt along the way is incredibly difficult. I have to admit firstly that I have hurt people, then strip it down and look at the situations/moments and really decide that it was me, not them who was responsible for the issue. Look at the reasons and be honest about what were reasons and what were excuses. You would be amazed at the number of excuses.

Why do I have to make out this list? Why am I putting myself through the pain of this? My god, they are making me think and face up to things I have done. They are making me dig up those painful buried events and emotions. They inflict pain on me, but for some reason it does not make me runaway, hide, or act out? Then why I do it? It is to I recognise my faults and my wish to heal.

Then why the list of those I have hurt? It is so that I can contact each and every one of them, to talk to them about my issues and apologise to them for the pain that I have inflicted on them. This is all about clearing and cleansing my head. This is not to get an acceptance of my apology back or a possible false acceptance by the person I hurt. Any genuine acceptance is a good thing, it's the closure of the pain for both parties that is important here.

I guess having said all this here in this story of mine I could just write a list of names. That will mean a lot to me, but just be ink on paper to you, the reader. You would know I had inflicted pain on these people, but just who the hell they are will go straight over your head. So, I will do this my way, and try to help you understand the width and depth of pain that I have inflicted.

My Parents

You know, it is all too easy to say from what my story has indicates so far that this should be an empty space and I move on to the next person that has suffered my pain. But this is not true. Every story has two sides. Through some of the tough times my parents were there for me, which has to be acknowledged.

But physical pain is not the only pain. With my condition as I have already said, there are connection issues. There was many a time where I picked a row, and with these. The worst thing is that I could lie and shout and purposely hurt people, knowingly, and not stop! The problem was that I would be aware of what I was doing. But only in the sub-conscious. It means I am aware, just, of my actions and also just be aware of the reactions I was getting from my 'target', but not aware enough to be able to act on my actions. My ability to stop myself or feel guilt for my actions was switched off. I would feel guilt if I came back to the scene and my victims were crying. It was at that point that the connection was made and I would be aware of what I had done and feel genuine remorse. Is this as bad as the beatings?

I was for years unable to show some emotions. I would struggle through, make up the feelings, act, say the required words, but in a hollow and empty way. I found difficulties with gratitude and the worst for my parents, love. Of all my misconnections, most are temporary and for the most part are normal, but love? I never fully understood the word, its meanings and the true emotions. This was beaten out of me over the years. I feel all that is love slowly came to me to a late teen level over the years. This has changed recently, dramatically, but more on that later.

Should they be alive today I would sincerely apologise to them for all my mental hurt that I inflicted on them and would want to be able to feel and show them true love as they and most of you would understand

My Sister

On top of the connection issues re true emotions and feelings I had many issues that were inflicted on me by my sister. She was greedy of material possessions offered to the two of us and cruel with her time. When my mum was sick in hospital, towards the end, I flew over to England. I was not met at the airport, having to bus and train to her house, taking hours more than a pickup. She was to lend me her car so I could visit mum in hospital, but most times during the few days excuses were found and I was made most unwelcome. I believe there was a rather pathetic attempt at making me understand that I left the UK and she picked up and looked after mum whilst I distanced myself. I may have had money difficulties at the time, but mum and my sister are family. If I was made aware or asked, I would have been there as much as possible. Through my misconnections I felt a huge amount of hate and anger towards my sister. I felt no love for her and would use her to look after me when I was in the UK.

I still feel some anger towards her for her lack of interest in my daughter. I feel anger and frustration that she will not come to us to see her. If we want to have a relationship between the two of them, we have to go to the UK on most occasions. I would like to apologise to my sister for these feelings and emotions, but as I write these words. to be honest, I am not sure that I am there yet, but I do hope to be there soon. The scars are healing.

My Friends and Colleagues

To my friends and colleagues. You guys were always there for me during my highs and lows. You have not known any of my issues, just known that I was pain. My apologies to you was for the brunt of my anger as I was hurt by my family. You guys didn't give up on me and in the most case are still there today. You will see the reel me and feel my love as it returns to me.

My Lovers

Relationships were a strange struggle for me.

As you know, my connections flew in and out. When times were good for me, we had a wonderful time. We had fun and laughter. We did the craziest things. There were no limits to what we could achieve and the emotions we felt for each other, but when things were bad, what would I offer to these special people, I was a pig.

I would do my best to push them away, put up impossibly high bars that could not be jumped. I would be insanely jealous of their friend's and ex's. I saw mistrust and plans against me everywhere, I was rude, argumentative and loud. I am so sorry to you all. God knows the good times must have been special because you all fought so hard for me and us giving US so many chances. I only wish for YOU that I had been whole when we were together.

It would have been such a different outcome. I made all of us suffer and not given us the chance to be what we could have been. My hope is that you did not suffer long term from my outbursts and that you are in strong loving relationships.

My Partner and Family

As for my partner and daughter. You both stood by me through my demons. You have both felt my anger, sorrow and pain. You have both witnessed my struggles with my confidence and emotions. You have both seen me in most horrible places.

I am finally facing my demons as already spoken about in this story.

Together with the amazing help, support and encouragement of a very dear and close friend that I only met recently I have overcome my demons, finally and forever. Munchkin, openly and in writing I thank you. You know who you are. To my family, your husband and father is back. My apology will be made by rediscovering myself fully and the recognition of my love for you both. But this will be a different love. This will be the one where I understand the word and the emotions. We will have our lives back.