Fight To Forgive

Formative Years

I talked to Martin, my lecturer, about this. He gave me some very good leads and help. He felt that I was a natural and should try and run with the thought. The belief I had in myself and confidence was the highest I ever had.

I also had a good group of 'friends' at the time. We always met up in one of our houses every weekend and listened to music, usually west coast rock, prog rock and heavy rock. Usually there was the sweet smell of wacky baccy shall we say. It was an area I was not comfortable with and avoided it for a long time. Eventually I succumbed, but instead of having the reactions the others did, I swung from hot to cold and back again I was giddy and felt quite sick. My forehead felt hot, but when I touched it was ice cold. I was in the middle of having a very bad trip. I managed to get to sleep and when I came too, I was on the road to feeling a lot better.

I never touched this stuff again. Not a hero or holier than though thing, it's just that the smell of it made me feel sick. A tune that was playing when my trip was bad was 'all right now' by Free. It's weird, but even today if I hear that song, I feel violently sick and giddy, just like the day of that bad trip. Some of the friends were musicians and I started my journey into photography taking pictures of them playing.

Now, back to Martin. He gave me a copy of 'Spotlight' which was the A to Z of the theatre. Every actor with an equity card was in it, props hire companies were in it and for me all the Drama Colleges were listed on its pages too. I thought long and hard and read their advertisements. I decided I wanted to try to make a career out of this and I wanted to take a Stage Management and Technical Theatre course. Now to tell my parents. Apparently, in their heads I was to be an accountant or a solicitor. They went off on one. No understanding of what I wanted to have a punt at, it was all about solid, boring pensionable work.

My confidence was shattered and my self-belief just collapsed. My misconnections started firing away again. I started losing it and shouting at anyone, stamping my little feet. I lost my friends. I had a girlfriend that we played sexual games and foreplay every day at college and home. She was in a drama group in a local town and I joined it to be with her and write my project for Drama exams. Turns out she was just as loopy as me and my condition. One day she just flipped and the doctors took her away on a 'holiday' We lost contact. I didn't try as the connection to do that just was not there.

Anyway, back to college. My father said to me that he was sending me away on a career guidance session in London. He said whatever they came up with that he would be guided by, if I would. I agreed. To cut a long story short, after tests, talks etc etc the guidance people came up with The Arts as my No1 career followed by Retail then then business administration. Bang, I was back on top, Drama here I come!! My dad honoured our agreement.

I interviewed for a stage management course with The London Academy Of Music And Dramatic Art and was lucky enough to be accepted. Martin was ecstatic for me. I was his first student to make it into this college.

So I had what I wanted what and was on top of the world. All was ok, so my story ends with 'and happily ever after' Right? No, very wrong.

Dad worked in London and sorted out some student digs for me close to college. It was an International Students Hostel. They provided beds, lounges and a restaurant for evening meals.

Everything was coming together and for the first morning things went well.

I was lonely, never having been away from home. I had never looked after myself at all, spoilt by my mum. I had never cleaned, washed, cooked, shopped, cooked lunches, in fact, never done anything for myself ever. On the way to college with each step I took I stressed out and lost faith and belief. What if? Struck. At college everyone was so confident, had much more confidence than me, knew each other from various groups. I was alone, out on a ledge, questioning everything. When I went to lunch with one of the girls on my course and my misconnections hit. I tried to hold her hand and also overcooked it. We went back in silence, I felt a fool and never got over it.

The course was fun. I learned so much about technical theatre, but did not and could not look after myself. I went to loads of theatre parties. I slept around with actors and actresses, but with no feelings or pleasure from the experiences. I drifted around sexually. I linked up with a small group of students from the hostel. We were loud and fun loving. For all intents and purposes, I was a free spirit, but the opposite was true. One of the students was Swedish. He introduced us to Firewater. We called it hand grenade. As home brews go, I will let you guess! So, we were drunk most nights. My condition was spiralling downwards. I was on a voyage of self-destruction. And I was failing, myself and college and the people around me. In the end college and the hostel contacted my parents and my college career ended after a year, I had a breakdown and was in pieces for quite some time. Back to my acting out days, still not understanding any of it at all.

I met my first chance of rescuing me and putting myself back together. If only I had understood myself this would have been the end of it. It was not to be. I met somebody who was an architect in London, but made the decision to drop out and build a wood working shop in his large garden. His older son was a hippy and a true free spirit. I taught him to pay the clarinet, Now the son I will call Andy and his father is Pete, now Pete made wooden hulls for 40 foot yachts, spiral staircases by hand for oast houses and many other specialists works. His wife was a Deb and he had been a hells angel when they met. Opposites DO attract. I spent every day in his workshop, talking, laughing, helping– and if only I had known – healing. Andy taught me to ride a motorbike and he played lead and bass guitar in a local band. They practiced in an old musty caravan in Andy's garden. I often sat in practices. Me and my camera. The drummer eventually became my best man when I married my partner. This is a long way down the line and may come into this story – later.

These times were so relaxed. I was with a group of friends who were truly free spirits and I counted myself in this group,

I took two part time jobs while I was working out what the hell to do with my life. In the mornings I was a cellarman, cleaning, stocking up and till lunchtime serving in a small pub. Once a week I got pissed with my manager in a Bingo hall, cleaning the beer pumps. When you clean beer pipes, you have to check the beer is good, and if any doubt check again. There were eight pumps. Say no more Hic.

In the afternoons and evenings, I worked in the Bingo hall as a caller and a checker. This job and the people who worked there were my main 'life lesson' in my life. The manager went track racing in his car. The staff were from the wrong end of town, I was upper middle class – we should hate each other, opposite ends of the social scale. BUT I have never been one for this rubbish. My Hells Angel and Deb friends showed me I was right in this. The guys I worked for were all, to a man and women, rough diamonds. We had great fun with the job. The players to almost a person were 'characters' to say the least. We all worked as one, the aim to keep it fun, then to the pub after work. There is nothing any of us wouldn't do for one another. Some of the people I worked with were also in a sub-world which I was slowly being drawn into.

Now, I was here for about three years, I think. What happened to my dream I hear you say? Well after a lot of thought and chats and visits to TV stations, I came to the conclusion that I was in love with sound engineering. Unfortunately, TV companies look down on Drama Colleges, but never will I give up!

The way in was as a trainee sound engineer. I spent the next three years trying. I had several interviews, which given my background was success in itself, but success with no Banana is not success. I finally had two meetings with one TV company, then a final round. I found out that there were just two of us at the final interview stage. The studio manager wanted me, HR wanted the other person. Why did I find this out!!!! At the evaluation I couldn't have told them what 1 plus 1 equalled. I didn't get it.

The other missed opportunity was this. There was a girl who lived just down the road from me who played a flute had a French father who was impossible to understand. He was a tailer in London. One of his clients was a director of a TV company. Because of their connection over the years and his wish to help me, I was discussed during a fitting. The director offered me the job I wanted. When the girl's dad came home that night, he was excited to tell me. I could not understand him and was on the No No Yes Yes No method of answering questions. I said NO!!!! I never understood what had happened for a long time after when his daughter asked me why I had said NO. Shoot me!!

I had to decide what to do with my life, so I took a punt at being a trainee hotel manager. To be honest, at this point, my formative years were complete, there was nothing new to throw at me now, just repetition and pain. As I said, as an oddball cracked human being with connection issues and at odd times a personality by-pass, I was formed!!