The Adventures Of John B : The Sacred Stone

Part 25 - Rippling River Of Reflections

have you ever thought about living all alone? 

i used to.  i used to imagine a paradise where i was all alone.  no need to pay, no expectations or social pressures.  just freedom.  some fictional utopia of long passed aspirations.

but then I realized the burden that comes with it.   a burden heavier than financial problems or stress or even pain.

the loneliness that comes with it.   

solitude can be a vicious disease. but when you've had it so many times you almost become immune to it.   

shutting yourself off from the rest of the world, from words, from pain, from friends, from family- only shuts you off from resolution.  you confine yourself to the walls of wishful ignorance.  where i see freedom, you see chains.

 i don't feel anymore.  i mean-  i feel pain, but i don't feel.  

these small rushes of joy have become intoxicating.  fear became a friend in the fact that i am no longer numb.  anger goes as fast as it comes, subsequently replaced by the content of feeling.  i don't know if you understand, or quite frankly, even care.  but for me, that became paradise.

i try to hide it- the not feeling, but i'm no good at hiding things.  i used to be, but now all the stuff just pours on out.  the only thing that fuels me is the desire to feel these exhilarating surges all over again.

i'll admit.  i am jealous.  i am jealous of the people who have never felt loneliness.  i wonder how light they feel.  because it feels like half of what is weighing me down are the delusive whispers of my own subconscious and my own burning doubt.   how they can prance around without worrying about losing the touch of another?

i wouldn't say I'm a loner.  but sometimes you just feel distanced.   if someone is sitting next to you, or if you're in a crowd, is it impossible to feel lonely?   

i no longer feel like the girl who sits next to me in my math class.  or the boy who sits alone at lunch in his little corner.  truth be told, we are all people.  and i am no different.  i have never done anything outstanding or great, and people will never recognize me.  my opinion is invalid, and that is the only point that matters to other people.  but when I'm with them, all my opinions and values are heard.  maybe that's why I chose to stay.

because i've always had myself.  

and now i can have them too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i gripped her dainty hand through the bustling streets, a river of bodies taking me with the vigorous current.

as soon as we had gotten off that train, we walked wherever we could.  and now we were here, in this diverse market with dirt paths and run-down buildings.  but something about it all captivated me in ways that something like a large, spectacular diamond could not.  this place was much more sparkly and beautiful, if you asked me.

the sky was bright, rays of sunshine showering us in heated light.  wisps of her glowing hair streaked through the air, dancing with the vivacious winds.

arms pushed and legs shoved as we weaved through the growing crowd, looking for a man in black, a hint of lively red, or the pulsating violet of a meteor.  shops were set up on both sides of us, leaving a narrow lane for wandering passerby.  the smell of pastries made my mouth drool, hungry desires eating my stomach inside out as cigarette smoke assailed my sensitive nose.