Letters To My Person.

It's been a minute.

I've written myself out time and time again to you.
By now I've written about, maybe 40 letters? Each one I've kept in the book.
I was told I should write in it, so I did.
Secrets that will be bound in ink and leather.
Secrets only You could ever see.
These are not those letters.
These letters are for me to say that, in any sense, that I tried.
That I held my promise true.
That chain hasn't been broken.
Nor the thing it holds.
It almost burns me up to see it now.
The symbol of losing what you care for resting atop my heart.
But I keep my promises, I never back down from my word.
It's gotten to the point, where I'd rather trade it in for the person ya know?
I know I can't.
You're gone.
A fragmented pane of stained memories I'll never piece together again.
Maybe there is hope?
But right now, I don't feel it.
What used to be warmth has been replaced with an irritation that I cannot sake.
A scratch that won't heal fully anymore.
The cold was always my least favorite thing about the winter.
That was until I realized that you can lose the warmth in your memories too.
I've been trying desperately to preserve them.
Keep the light shining.
To keep believing.
But, it's been so long...
The doubts are no longer checked by my sense of reason.
You may say that, my reaction or emotional response is overreaction.
I don't blame you, nor am I really angry.
The pain comes from belief.
Trusting something more than I trust my own instincts.
I always told you, I'm never wrong when I feel something's off.
Because I've been living on shattered glass my whole life.
Every step is instinct.
Every time I mess up?
A lesson.
One I desperately try to avoid making again.
So when I feel every part of my mind say that something's wrong, I mean I am having every red flag showing up in my brain and I have to expect the worse outcomes of it to avoid getting my heart or emotions broken again.
That's why I say that I stopped believing people when they tell me they love me.
Or when they claim to be different.
No matter how much I try to see that, they ALWAYS show me differently.
They always do the same thing.
Even when I try desperately to change any factor I believe in myself to be the issue.
So when I started trusting something.
Believing in something so much that I was letting go of my irrational fear, just to have it occur...
It hurts.
More than you could ever understand.
Because I opened up finally.
I was accepting reality for what it was.
Only to be shot with the cold harshness that I've seen reality too often be.
I fear sleep now.
Because sleeping means I'm exposed to my own consciousness.
My own anger and frustration.
I refuse to be angry with anyone but myself, even those who have broken pieces of me in my past.
Because everyone is human.
It's not anyones fault that life is full of agony.
I especially can't be mad at you.
It's something I've tried doing I wont lie.
I've tried so hard to be angry.
But I can't, that fire wont ignite because every time I try I'm reminded of why I chose not to be angry at any other person in the first place.
Because I rely too much on kindness to be spiteful to anyone anymore.
To let that fire ignite would be to burn everything I've worked years on to nothing more than ashes and glass.
That very same kindness that started with you.
You may not have realized it.. nor probably ever will.
But, you were a defining point in my life, even if I was helping you through things... you were also unknowingly helping me realize that I don't want to feel anything other than kindness towards others.
No matter how hard it is to do so.
Of course you showed me so many wonderful examples of kindness and love.
Actions that I will carry with me forever.
That I could never repay you for...
I know you may never read this.
I accept that reality. No matter how harsh it is.
Not because I want to, but because I can't change the past.
Because If I try to avoid it...
I'll stop believing.
So I'll accept that reality, and hold true in my belief.
I'll be waiting like I always do.
On the other side of tomorrow.
I believe.