Letters To My Person.

恋したと思う

It's a really hard concept to accept.
To really truly believe it is reality.
If I can, for just a moment share with you the things I have seen and felt in the past few months.
You'd understand more as to why I'm keeping the title of this letter obscure.
You'll never read it anyways...
Nor will you care to understand its meaning.
Thats fine, reality is as such.
But to think that I have found myself encapsulated by this concept.
Such a weird... weird world I live in.
My own little play place of desires and dreams.
To find myself outside of it makes me realize how much more I've lost in terms of this year.
How little I've really managed to do.
At midnight I turn 21.
3 years will have passed since I tried to end my own life.
3 years... and very little to show for in terms of progress.
Yet, I wouldn't have changed a thing going back.
Because in 3 years I learned more from life than I ever thought I would.
Hell.. in those years I met you didnt I? I wouldnt change that for anything.
Even if it means you're gone.
Probably for good.
I found one...
Another reason.
It's an odd predicament, but...
This one feels worth the tireless effort I tend to put into these things.
For once I'm not as afraid of something going wrong as I usually am.
You know me..
Always concerned about what might happen rather than enjoying what is right ahead of me.
Hell, I hardly believe it will work out in the long run.
But life isnt about never missing chances.
It's about experiencing all the possibilities that you can while you still have time to.
To think... if i had successfully done what I intended on doing those three long years ago...
I wouldn't have been able to experience any of this.
The lives I've changed, for better or for worse, probably wouldve gone down different paths from where they are now...
But yet, this lonely guilty angel managed to change the course of fate for them even if only by a small margin.
I wonder what it would look like for everyone had I succeeded..
Just to know where everyone would be now.
Would they be in better places?
Would you be in a better place?..
I digress, there is no real way of knowing.
Only hoping that whatever happens is good.
To think, how funny it is that I fall now.
But this time I happily accept the ground beneath me.
Either I shall shatter into a fantastic display of broken beauty.
Or I shall be caught by a soft dream that has began to cure my sleepless nights.
For once, I accept both possibilities without fear in my heart.
If I'm being honest, I really do have you to thank for a lot.
Even for this... you being gone hurts.
More than I could ever visibly express with words.
But it taught me to appreciate what it is you have before you right in the moment.
If it does disappear and you feel that grief and pain... it's not inherently a bad thing, it means you felt so much and were so high in emotions and joy for one thing or person and when they left you had that much farther to fall.
The pain is inverse and incredible compared to the joy. To experience one without the other... would be a perverse way to experience what it is to be alive.
I still, and forever will love and care for you.
You're my best friend. My person.
Even if I'm no longer the same to you.
I'll always believe.