One Wish

CHAPTER 18

  After I get home with Saeran I rush to my room. Where did I put the copy papers? While I was poking around my room, Saeran came in and asked me something. He stood there for a little, but then left, knowing I haven't even heard the question. I sometimes isolate myself from everything when I'm doing something. Finally I find a tiny piece of blank paper and a pen. I then sit behind my table and think for a bit. There are so many things happening in my head right now, that there is no way I can write them all down. My hand just doesn't move so fast. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I try to stop thinking about everything, but it's still impossible. Images of MC looking at me, smiling at me are just coming to mind. Guess I can write about that.

How should I do it? Should I write it like in a monolog, or as one person to the other? I guess the latter is better.

Umm. So. I would like to talk- or, well, write my thoughts here. I should start with the point of all this: I Really Like MC. No, I love her! I'm crazy about her! I can't stop thinking about her! I really do. I don't know what to do about her anymore. It's so hard. I so want to tell her how I feel, but I don't deserve her. I don't know why did I try to confess to her yesterday. She would never say yes to me. It was ironically lucky that her mom called. Her mom gave me something to think about: MC doesn't know anything about me...

I haven't told her about my past yet, so if we would start "dating" now, she would be together with that happy-go-lucky Seven and not the messed up Luciel who I really am. I would basically be lying about my whole personality to her and I'm bound to slip up one way or another. Then she will definitely hate me. I should just watch her from afar and be happy for that person who does end up with her. I don't know what I will do once that happens, but I don't care about myself - she deserves to be happy and not me.

But still... I can't stop it. Whenever I see her, it's so hard to not grab her hand, drag her away and kiss her. Her hands were so soft when I held them at the party. I bet her lips are just as soft... No! I can't think like that! Stop it, head! You're not worth it. Not. Worth. It!! YOU DON'T DESERVE HER! Why do I have to think like this? The first time I saw her I couldn't get my eyes off from her. She looked so pretty and warm hearted. Saeran says that whenever he looks at me and her together, he feels like me and MC are meant to be. That she's the one who will "help me get over this'', but it's impossible. Nobody can help me. Even if somebody can help me, I don't deserve that help. After what I've done to Saeran I don't deserve anything. I really don't even deserve the good life I have, but I don't want to die. I got my brother back so I want to stay next to him till he's completely recovered and after that as well.

I don't want anybody to know about my past. I'm already hurting Saeran, Rika and V with how I'm like. I don't want anybody else to be hurt because of me. I don't want that pity from others. Can you, this piece of paper, help me and give me some advice on what I should do now. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Looks like I can't anyway, I just got some work to do.

The paper is full now. It just has rows of words, crammed together from top to bottom. Since the paper was so small, the text is also small. I can barely make out what it says. I sigh. I guess I feel a bit better. "I don't want anybody to know about my past." I've done a good job hiding it so far, but MC noticed my change of behavior after a mere day. I will never be able to hide it from her. Still, I have to give my best to hide it as long as I can. At least long enough, so I can tell her about it without her freaking out.

I read through it again. What should I do with it now? Should I burn it or throw it away?. Maybe I should keep it and hide it so nobody would find it. Well, wherever I put it in this room, it'll be very well hidden. I'll just put it on my bed dresser for the time being. Nobody will look there anyway. I'd really like to talk about it with somebody, but I have nobody to talk to. I should just start working. That will keep my thoughts away.

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