One Wish

CHAPTER 51

"It's now September. I'm going to school again. I managed to sit the whole summer in my room. My depression is at its peak and I doubt school will make it any better. What can I do... I just have to get used to the bullying again.

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Everybody is making fun of me. Their target point is now my weight. I don't know what to do to gain some weight. I'm just not hungry because of the depression. I've tried to force myself to eat, but I would just throw it up later. Why can't I just eat normally?? It makes me so angry! Everybody in my class are the happiest when it's lunch, but I feel nothing for that. Just... Why?!

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I can't stand this anymore! I just want to end myself! Jump off the cliff, cut my wrists, drown... Whatever, but I just can't! Everytime I think about that I can hear Seven's voice telling me to stop. I'm so close to breaking, but I just won't! ARGH!! WHY??

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I'm hearing voices in my head. Sometimes they are calm, but sometimes they are just screaming. My parents aren't home right now, but... I can't bring myself to call Seven. He could definitely help me, but I just can't. I don't want to make him worry! They are screaming at me again. I can hear it. It isn't coming from outside, right? ... Nope, there's nobody outside. At least, I don't think there is. Maybe I just don't notice people anymore? Has my brain really stopped functioning correctly? I don't know...

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After a lot of begging my parents are letting me rest from school for a week. It'll be harder to study, but I really need some peace and quiet. I'm actually doing fine at school. I look so dead that nobody bothers to sneer or look at me. They've left me alone, but I still feel bad. The voices have been more quiet. Right now they are whispering something. I can't make it out what it is.

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I've been trying to stuff food down my throat, but it's not working. I looked through the internet for what to do, but nothing works. What day is it anyway? ... "Mom? What month is it?" ... "It's December. Can't you see all the snow?" ... "Okay thanks." ... So it's December. How much is it? 1... 2... 3 4... 5... 6 months left till graduation. Half a year. ...I feel bad for some reason... I feel like I won't be graduating this year. But... My grades are fine? What's going on? Well, I shouldn't get cocky just yet.

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No... It's hopeless. I just imagined how I would graduate from school, move back to the city and stay with my friends. I even dared to imagine marrying Seven... Like that's going to happen. I think there's no point in going back. They have probably already forgotten me and wouldn't care if I'm there or not. They're probably doing fine without me. I'm sure that Seven already has a girlfriend, who he's happy with. I don't want to interfere with them. Seven deserves to be happy. I would do anything to make sure he's happy.

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Maybe me staying here is better...? Better for all of them... What difference does it make if I'm there or not? I've passed the point that I don't care anymore what my environment is like. I don't care if I'm being bullied. I don't care if mom is yelling. I don't care if I'm living in the city. In the end I still feel the same - completely empty. Everybody has taken everything for me.

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Seven told me to not have bad thoughts, but I can't help it... I feel like everything is gone for me. I feel like... The only thing I have left is this room and I hate it. I want to break everything in this room. I designed it to look like the room I had in the city. It now pains me to see everything like this. I don't want to be reminded of that place.

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I have destroyed everything in this room - I smashed all the little things into pieces, I broke and bent every table, shelf and chair I had, I scratched the walls with anything I could find. I feel better now. I feel like everything I cared about is really gone. I broke e v e r y t h i n g. ... That's actually a lie... I didn't destroy the pictures of RFA members. I just... couldn't do it. I burnt everything else, but my hand just didn't move near the flame. I guess I have to keep them.

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And it's the end of the school year. Today was the ceremony, but I'm not going. I don't care. It's now time to decide - do I want to go back to the city or not? Few months ago I would have been beaming and cheering for going away, but now... I'm not so sure of what to do. What's the point of me going? ... There is none, isn't there...?

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