Gentle | Ushijima

17/Its Over

After Graduation

I sat in my dorm, alone.

Complete silence. No talking or laughing. No music playing or a show on tv. Just me and natures sounds that came in through the window.

I was enjoying the silence. The calmness in the air. How quiet the campus was after such a big day like today.

Most students went home to celebrate with their families but, mine didn't show. Last I saw of my brother, he seemed mad while he was speaking on the phone.

I don't blame him.

All we ever wanted was our parents to show up to events like this.. but their work always came first.

At least we don't have to worry about them anymore.

Now.

What am I supposed to do from here?

What college do I go to. Do I even go to college?

What am I supposed to do with my life?

I could be a teacher, a doctor, a chef.

I could be anything.

But I want nothing.

I just want to stay here and embrace the silence.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a profess soccer player. I wanted to be the best soccer player to ever exist.

Now?

Well that dream crumbled to pieces a few years ago.

Guess I never really went into full detail huh..

Well, when I played soccer, people feared me. They found me scary and intimidating.

It wasn't really because of how aggressive I played or my looks.. it was because I was bullied as a kid.

I was very short for my age and I didn't look like everyone else. My appearance was "below average".. now my looks are accepted because I changed myself.

I make sure my hair is perfectly straight like my brothers. I worked out to make sure I was as small as possible while still being healthy. I tried to be cheery and kind to everyone. I made sure my grades were perfection.

Slowly.. my depression and anger got the best of me.

I decided that making people fear me is better than trying to be accepted and still get bullied.

So when I played soccer.. I didn't play to win..

I played out of anger.

Before I entered high school, I quit my team. When I told everyone, I was called so many names.

Monster, arrogant, tyrant

...A disgrace to humanity...

I quit because I wanted to change. I didn't want people to fear me anymore.