in my head

a reason to brush my hair in the morning

i just got rejected

i didn't hold many hopes for the outcome of my confession(admittedly over text, but love in the time of covid is limiting i suppose)

he's really quite a wonderful guy. this feels very different from my usual crushes. perhaps because he is an object of my respect and trust is why i feel no shame or anxiety about this. at my age(the ripe old age of 16), finding a peer that you respect unconditionally is a rare and wonderful thing. of course, that's not the only reason things are the way they are.

i have a long history of holding onto a crush for multiple years without doing anything about it. the reason for that is a fun mix of anxiety and some last ditch effort to make myself appear better to them in preplotted chance interactions. however, covid dictates that there are no opportunities for chance interactions(as both of us, and most of my school, have chosen to stay online instead of attending a horribly organized hybrid version of school). As well as the fact that he—being the grade above me—will be graduating this year.

So anyway, that's a long way to say: my usual route was hopeless so i sucked it up and asked for his phone number. We had previously only communicated through the french horn group chat on groupme(we share a few interests). I direct messaged him to ask, and of course, he replied "What for?" exactly like i thought he would. I had come up with brave words prior, because i knew that in the moment, i would want to try my bestest best to weasel my way out of it.

i replied: "because i don't want to ask you out over groupme👉👈👀😬" because that sounded much more brave and cute than i've ever felt in my life.

his only response was: "Oop, (xxx) xxx-xxxx"

at this point i was already crying of stress

i entered his number into my phone and texted "hey *name*? do you wanna go on a date with me?"

my hands were sweating profusely, and i was fidgeting up a storm. "Not at this hour" he said. i was so shocked; i just sat there for a second and thought what the fuck does that mean???

and then i understood as he said "Why actually did you want my number?" He though i was JOKING!! to be fair to him, i always act like an idiot in band and therefore around him.

i replied "because i wanted to ask you out on a date." for some reason, i'm not nervous anymore, because i know that he doesn't like me and he wouldn't say yes otherwise.

He responded "I must respectfully decline, you will find someone else better suited than me"

Of course, i was—and am—sad. one of my friends who doesn't know him asked "why is he talking like he's from 20th century england?" (if you are confused, i'm sure they meant 19th century vibes.) to answer, he was being polite.

Part of me wanted to quote myself a couple months prior and say "*Name*, i hold you in much higher regards than i hold myself" because it's him rather than me who deserves someone better suited.

i didn't say that though. I said "Okay. Thank you anyway" because trying defend his self esteem was probably not the appropriate course of action immediately after being rejected. Plus, he was just being polite, which makes me like him even more.

I am certain things will not be awkward between us. I have ultimate respect and trust that we will continue to joke and have fun. I will continue to try my absolute hardest in hand to become someone he respects

until he graduates and leaves me forever

i really won't find another person like him, for platonic or romantic companionship

i'm sad

life goes on