Begin Again [Harry Styles Fanfic]

Small Bump

If you don't play the song on repeat, so help me God, I will hurt you. Now press play, please and thank you!!!!

The car ride home was silent as I stared down at my stomach, tears trailing down my cheeks. That was probably the worst part of it all, still looking and feeling pregnant but knowing that there was nothing in there. There was nothing left of me. I would have to spend the next few weeks walking around with an inflanted stomach, the next few weeks of people asking me how far along I am, the next few weeks in my own personal living hell.

The radio was blasting in the background and as the lyrics buzzed through my ears, I felt another part of me die. Is this the moment where I look you in the eye? Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry. And everything it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today. Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand? And though you've never seemed so far away and every thing is temporary, rest your head. I'm permanent. My hand snapped up angrily as I smashed it against the volume button until the only sound was the tires as we continued to drive on in silence.

Harry held my hand reassuringly in his own while he drove on, tracing small patterns on the back of it. "Nadia," he said softly, giving me just the hint of a smile. "It's okay. We're okay."

I stared at him blankly. "We're not okay, Harry," I said disgustedly, snatching my hand away. Who was I disgusted at? Him? Me? The entire fucking world? "She's gone, Harry. She's gone." My voice broke on the last word as I looked away from him quickly.

He shot me a look as he switched lanes. "He said there was a possibility. We won't know for sure until we take the tests."

"I can feel it," I mumbled as I folded in on myself. "I can feel that she's not there anymore."

"You've got to stay optimistic, Nadia. That's the only way we'll be able to make it through. Optimism."

I went silent again as I stared out the window. It was raining now, leaving ugly smudges and splotches all over the windows and blurring out the trees. He didn't understand. He couldn't understand. Less than 24 hours ago, I was prepared to bring someone else into this world, anticipating the moment when I could look at her and kiss her and hold her and love her. I was waiting for the day when she would open her eyes. I was expecting to be able to help her through everything. Expecting to be there when when she needed someone to wipe her tears away. Expecting to be the first person she called when she got her heart broken. And just like that, in less than a day, it was all torn away from me. 

Once we were in the driveway, I jumped out of the car, wrapping my cardigan tightly around my body. I just needed to be inside. I just needed to be somewhere that was normal. Somewhere I could breathe. I didn't wait for him to park, there was no point. I was still pissed off. Not at him. Just at everything and everyone. And mostly myself. Why couldn't I just have this one thing, this one thing that I knew I could do? What kind of fucked up world was this anyways?

I stormed through the house trying to find a place where I could be alone. Then I remembered the nursery. Any form of torture, no matter how small, I felt was right for me. I turned the lock quietly and flipped the switch, revealing the pink room. The antique white crib, the plush white rug, and his grandmothers’ rocking chair. I walked to the crib; picking up the rabbit Harry had been so dead-set on getting before sitting down on the floor. 

“I’m sorry, Alana,” I whispered, creating a fist around the stuffed animal. The tears began falling again, and I threw the rabbit towards the book shelf, knocking over one of the little decorative figurines. Anger pulsed in my veins as I stood up and ran over to the shelf, grabbing the small glass angels and throwing them to the wall screaming. I threw the books, shrieking as I pushed over the heavy crib and tore the pink and purple flowers off the wall. I could hear Harry shouting from behind the door, twisting the knob and begging me to open up. I shrieked as I threw the very last baby blanket on the ground, collapsing with it and ripping it at the seams. I let out a small whimper when the door flew open, followed by Harry.