Always Cas | ✔

CHAPTER ELEVEN; part one

     I'm not sleeping and I'm not taking the sleeping pills. So maybe everyone's right and I do have self-destructive tendencies.

     I have an appointment with Ashley today and I need it to at least look like I got a decent amount of sleep last night. Which I didn't. The weather was mild and so I spent a good portion of the night outside jogging.

     I've had two coffees before I show up to Ashley's at the same time she does. I feel good, but I'm pretty certain that's just the caffeine.

     She gets settled at her desk and then rests her eyes on me, looking for the lie. I'm good at hiding, have always been, so she doesn't find it. "How are you doing? Resting better?"

     "Last week was definitely draining, but yeah, I've been getting good sleep the last couple of days," I tell her. Partial honesty makes the whole thing sound like a truth.

     "How do you feel about Saturday night?"

     "I was really nervous but now that I've done it, I think — no, I know, it's what I want to focus on. I enjoyed cooking in that way."

     "As opposed to the baking?" she asks. I nod. "Do you think you'd like to give up the baking?"

     "No, I can't do that," I say.

     "Can't because you don't want to or because you feel obligated to keep it?"

     "You know I gave him my word," I say quietly.

     "You don't owe anyone anything, Dresden," she responds like it's that simple. "You need to put yourself first. You never do."

     "Private Weston's doesn't make me unhappy. I enjoy what I do."

     "But you want more," she says.

     "But I want more," I agree.

     "There's nothing wrong with that."

     "I don't want to close down Weston's."

     "Okay, so what can we do? How do we make it possible for you to keep Weston's and do what you love?"

     "I'm doing it," I say. "That's what After Hours are for."

     "How long is two nights out of the month going to satisfy you?"

     "I don't know," I respond with a shrug. "But I'd prefer not to worry about it at present."

     She makes a note in her book. I sometimes wonder what she actually writes, but I'm nearly positive it's just reminders for things we need to revisit. "Okay," she says. "So then what about Cas?" She doesn't need to remind herself to revisit Cas.

     I raise an eyebrow, innocently. "What about Cas?"

     Ashley gives me a look, similar to the ones that women in my life seem insistent on giving me. "Have you two talked?"

     "Not the way we should have," I say. "But slow progress."

     "So what does that mean exactly?"

     I stare at the floor hard, trying to put into words what it means, exactly. "He knows I came out there once. He knows his mom saw me."

     "Did you tell him why you lied about re-enlisting?" she asks. I shake my head. "So I'm going to assume you didn't tell him that you found the letters from USC, either?"

     I shake my head again. "We haven't gotten that far."

     "Alright, so homework," she says.