Warren Beasts

36: On Her Own

Following the thirty sixth sobbed apology, Gee has just discovered the thirty seventh doesn't help her feel any better at all.

Still, she'll keep on trying.

Trumpet Falls' visitor's locker room is a bit of a mess. Clothes, uniforms, and other assorted equipment lie strewn about the well-worn carpet, forgotten in the uproarious commotion following the game.

Or the not-a-game as it turned out to be...

Coach Wu tried desperately to plead with the umpire on the team's behalf, but it was no use. The game against the Nephilim would go down as a tie.

And it was all Genesis O'Toole's fault.

At first the other Jackalopes were mad at her. This she understood. She would've been the same way had she ever found herself in their position. But then she started crying again. This made some of them even angrier.

Particularly Sage.

But of course, Gee wasn't even crying about the game.

Not completely. Not really.

Sure, she was mortified by her actions tonight. Totally torn up she - and only she - had cost them all a win. But that wasn't why she was crying.

She's still crying now, almost twenty minutes later. She hates that she's crying, but she is. She cannot hold back the tears.

Eventually, though, they begin to subside.

Eventually, she's able to shower and change back into her civvies.

Eventually, she's able to face her team again.

Their anger has dried up, much like her own tears.

Sage is nowhere to be seen.

The first person to greet her, upon re-entering the locker room, is Peter Donkersmit. He pats Gee on the back, tentatively.

"You know what you have to do now, O'Toole, right?" Peter says this loud enough for everyone gathered inside to hear.

"No, what?"

"I think it's time to dump his ass."

And because Peter says this so gently, Gee finds herself laughing, nodding. She heads out to find Nate, leaving the unmistakable locker room scent far behind her. The locker room still smells like sweat, of course, forged in the fires of failure. But it smells of something else now, too. Something like forgiveness.

Maybe Genesis is beginning to rub off on them, even after everything...

Gee finds Nate right outside the locker room. It's obvious he's been waiting for quite some time. They start walking in the same direction together, neither speaking. Gee is impatient though.

She realizes now is the time for words. Now is the time for honesty.

Gee turns to Nate, breath billowing before her.

"So was your team as pissed with you as my team was with me?" She says.

Nate laughs, nods. It's a sad laugh, though. A hollow laugh. A touch of hard ice sprinkled at its edges.

Gee looks up and notices they've arrived at their destination. The sound of their boots crunching over the earth has come to a standstill. All she can hear is her own heartbeat, thumping towards the inevitable. She hugs herself against the bite of the wind.

They've reached the apple orchard on the Trumpet Falls High School campus, where it all began for them. Only this time there are no apples. No sunshine. No warmth. Just a winding maze of empty trees, deadened at the precipice of winter.

Nothing is ever going to grow here anytime soon.

All things must die, to be reborn anew...

Genesis O'Toole draws her metaphorical dagger.

"Look. Nate. I'm sorry, but this just isn't working anymore."

She knows she's not going to enjoy this. She prays it will be over soon.

"You're right. My behavior tonight was unacceptable, and for that I apologize. I promise it won't happen again." He says.

"No. You don't understand. It hasn't just been tonight, Nate. It's been...weeks. Months."

"Months!?"

"Yes. This summer, at the beginning, I thought you could be everything to me. I only wanted you. I only wanted to make you happy. But over the last few months I've been learning that isn't my job. That's on you. I want you to be happy, really, I do, but it can't be my sole responsibility, you know?" Gee says.

"I am happy. You make me happy! Before you, my world was dark and I was alone and-"

"But you're not happy, are you? Cuz if you were happy you would let me go do the things I love without making me feel guilty about it, wouldn't you? I wanted you. More than you can ever know. But I want other things too. For me. Like tourneytub. Like- Like other people. Look, I met someone else. A girl. She hates me right now, but that's not the point. The point is if you made me choose between you, I'm sorry, but I choose tourneytub. I choose her. At least they let me be free." Gee says, taking a few more steps towards Nate.

He shrinks away, rage and betrayal distorting his face. She hates to see him this way, but it's his choice, not hers.

At least that's what she keeps telling herself.

"But we were meant to be together. God wants us to be together! With the house and the kids and the happily ever after. You're not supposed to turn away from me to become a lesbian! You're ruining everything. You're turning your back on everything we could be together!" Nate's face crumples, like the fleeting sandcastles of his dreams.

Gee hates herself. But weirdly, at the same time, Gee is resolved now too.

"I hope one day you find all that with someone else. I really thought I could be her. But I'm not. I- Goodnight, Nate."

And with that, she heads back up the way they came, leaving him alone with the trees.

On her trudging walk to the Jackalope convoy parked a few hundred meters away, Gee wipes her eyes. But it's unnecessary. She's shed all the tears she's going to cry tonight.

Thanking God, Genesis asks Him why things couldn't be different.

Why she couldn't be different.

She never hears His answer.

Only the one deep within her, reassuring.

Nate is right. Gee is turning her back on everything they could be together.

Only so she can face everything she could be on her own.

***

Photo courtesy of Doriana Dream on Unsplash: https://unsplash.com/@dorianadream. Edited.