Arising

Freewill banishment

I walk inside his house. I grab my Katana and slowly walk through the corridor, I could sense that he was there.

There wasn't any noise. Any other movements besides mine. I get into the living room, open the door and find him there, he turns his eyes to look at me.

He sees me in the eyes then shifts his sight focusing it on my Katana. He had been expecting me.

"I knew you would come sooner or later."-he says and looks at me. For some odd reason he didn't seem proud, or victorious, he seemed sad and I could see pain in his eyes. I didn't know if that was a game he was playing to get out of this, but I couldn't trust him.

"And you were waiting for me."-I say taking a small step towards him. All the wrath that I felt before was now replaced by calm.

"I was."-he says and gets up from the sofa.

"You couldn't escape this moment."-I say softly. The more I held onto the sword the stronger I felt.

"I wasn't trying to escape it."-he says and takes a step closer to me.

His voice and presence was still overwhelming to me but my intention was clear. I was here for one thing and one thing only.

"I told you that one day I would pierce through your body with my Katana."-I say as he looked at me.

And I realized something... I realized this wasn't a plan. He was always calm and easy to read but never like this. It was like all the walls, all the masks were down. He didn't have any plans in mind, he just... he just wanted this to happen and was ready for it.

"You did, and now you have a chance to do it."-he says and continues coming towards me.

I had to tell him, for the first time in my life I felt the need to explain to someone why I was going to do what I was about to do. I had never felt so guilty for punishing someone that deserves the punishment they're about to receive.

I lower my arm and the tip of my Katana sword touches the floor:

"I don't know if I loved you. But for a few moments, a few brief moments I understood why people find beauty in smiles, why arms feel like shelters and what is so hypnotizing about a raindrop traveling through a window glass. I showed you my pain, I showed you my strength and that still wasn't enough."-I couldn't cry even if I tried, and in that moment I wanted to. Not to release pain, but to show him that after all doing this hurts me as well, that after I do it nothing will be the same, that taking him away kills me more than his betrayal.

He gets down on his knees: "You don't know if you loved me, but I loved you. And I realized it, because I had never felt such feeling in my entire life. It filled up all those gaps I never thought I had. So it had to be love right?"

All I could do was stand there and look at him. Please keep talking. I'm not ready yet.

It seems like he could hear my thoughts because he continues: "I came with the idea of snatching everything away from you and make it my own. Honestly it had been my entire life's purpose... Power, influence.. I wanted to create an empire that would last longer then Rome, but after I met you all I wanted to do was conquer your heart. And now I stand before you mourning in the foundations of the empire I wanted to create and see that your heart is so far away from my reach. All because of my greed.. yet I couldn't even go through with the plan because it was you, YOU. And I couldn't.. I couldn't allow myself to bring you any harm. Everything we had, it was real for me, every moment of it. And now if it has to be done, I would have no one else but you do it."

His eyes were shining, and I.. I felt my eyes get warmed up and then tears going down my cheeks.. I wasn't angry like I usually am, I wasn't sad either. But I was feeling, and it was deeper than what I had felt in a long time. Suddenly my mind became clearer and the darkness was gone.

I look down to him and he was looking at me. He didn't knew but he had saved me in some way. His willingness to let himself be killed by me made me realize what I had been feeling all along.

I let go of my Katana. I didn't want to kill him. Not him, not anymore anymore. It was gone. All this burden of family heritage, all this bloodshed for power, all these mad ideals that were torturing me.. they were gone.

But he was gone too...

"I can't.."-I say placing two fingers under his chin.-"I can't and I won't. A life for a life. You saved my life before, but now.." I say as his gaze wraps me.-"Now you saved my soul."

"Get up."-I say and he does.-"Hiroto you made me realize something, you made me realize that this is not what I want. I have destroyed, and torture myself over something that is the source of my pain. So I let go.. If you want this, if you want to rule, you can have it. But I won't."

Tears were still flowing from my eyes, but I was happy. He looks at me in confusion and fascination like a beggar listening to Socrates in the agora of Athens.

"I don't want it either. It doesn't matter if you're not with me."-he says and grabs my arm.

"I can't be with you, and I cannot be yours. Honestly I don't think I can be anyone's. I belong to myself, not a cause, not a place, not a person.."

He looks away.. he knew

"If I didn't die so far that means I am meant to live, and I can't live chasing death nor becoming it. I must make my peace with it and wait for it when the time comes. And If madness wants to take me away then I am not going to hold the door open for it to enter."

I knew what I wanted, and I wanted to make it happen. I couldn't go on living like I was living, I couldn't be so cruel to myself, people were cruel but I was more cruel to myself than they ever were to me.

Hiroto touches my hand with the tip of his fingers.

"I will always look for you everywhere I go. I will come and find you."-he says in a soft voice, it felt more like a wish than a promise.

"But you won't find me. I will be gone with the wind, the cherry blossom petals in fall and the first snowflake."

I move away from his touch and vanish..