All our lives

Chapter 13

The only good thing about reaching the bottom rock was you couldn't go any lower from that point. Running in the dark towards the Danube was that point for him, Jon had decided. It had to be. He still had no idea how to make things better, but he knew how to not make them worse.

He started by throwing away those otherwise very helpful pills. It was ironic how he had been appalled by Dave's pill bottle only to learn its content was inoffensive, whilst he had ended up taking whatever the hell those pills were. He was almost sure those were not common sleeping pills, but more like antidepressants with good sleep being just a side effect. That could explain why he was so ready in the mornings to start again with the reconstruction of that useless watch. Looking back, maybe it was a good thing that he had had them at hand, but he surely didn't want to rely on them. He didn't like the idea.

And he wasn't so sure this universe Jon was not one step away from using them to swell the ranks of celebrities founded breathless in some hotel room. Death by accidental overdose. Accidental his ass! He threw the pills in the toilet and watched with satisfaction how the swirl of the water engulfed them and sent them to the sewer pipes. "If you want to kill yourself, do it on someone else's watch. Not on mine! Idiot!" he muttered whilst he exited the bathroom.

Then he called his wife, trying his best to sound normal and not completely unphased with that reality. He had no clue what his own family was up to, so he simply asked about them and let her fill him in. He was relieved to find out everybody seemed to be okay.

Then he made a mental note to let Dave know he could end the next show how the hell he wanted. What could happen? The world was not going to explode if he didn't sing the last song. Out of curiosity, he searched for their rendition just to find himself in awe when he went further and watched a live performance. When Tico had said that sometimes David was doing the song by himself, he had imagined things went by like they had gone by on other occasions when different members had been in the spotlight for a song or two. That meant him not being on stage or being absolutely passive in a corner. Or maybe keeping the simplest rhythm on the drums while Tico was having his moment. More than that he had never been involved. If it was their moment, it was their moment.

Except this song was not about who was in the spotlight or not. It was about Richie and how they felt about him being forever absent. So yes, sometimes Jon didn't sing, leaving the vocal part to Dave, but that didn't transform him into a simple bystander. On that last song, in all the videos he had found and watched, there were always only him, Dave, Tico, and Hugh on the stage and he was delivering one hell of a performance on the guitar.

Watching himself playing, totally immersed in what he was doing, he realized Tico had gotten it all wrong. The drummer had been confused by Jon's refusal to do the song anymore. He needed an explanation for that change of mind, or heart, and that was a plausible explanation. But that was not torture. That was probably the only thing that had kept him alive. Jon wished he could keep that video across all universes and show it to their real selves, hell, to show it to everyone, but mostly he wished he could keep it for himself as a compass for those, not rare, moments when he forgot that not all was about him. In that song, in those four minutes, was gathered the true essence of the band. It was about brotherhood and friendship and love, it was about standing shoulder to shoulder even when one of them was not there anymore.

He didn't know for how long he was going to stay in that universe, or universes, but he was disposed to give that song a try. He wanted to experience it live at least once. However, it was not that simple. He didn't have the ability to pull out of his sleeve the guitar performance of his life overnight. Maybe this body had some muscular memory that could make his job easier, but he still had to practice it a little. A little more, who was he kidding?