All our lives

Chapter 23

By the time he reached the hotel, a strange calmness took over him. Knowing that going back was out of question proved to be unexpectedly liberating in the end. The pressure of finding his original circle was gone, so he could only channel all his energy on accessing a circle he liked. Not that he had much energy to spare, but at least now it wasn't shattered between options.

Maybe his mind was finally accepting the world as it really was, or maybe he was relieved he didn't have to feel guilty for choosing to stay in a better reality, but he wasn't so appalled by the idea of never seeing his real loved ones again like he had been in the beginning. Or maybe he was just in shock. That was more plausible. He was in shock and he would have a fucking huge meltdown when he'd realize he had abandoned his family and friends without a fight. Even if the fight was a rigged one and he had never stood a chance of winning.

The door of his room slammed closed behind him and he went straight to the bedroom. His whole body felt like it was made out of lead and he could not wait to just lie on the bed for a few hours. Sleep. He really needed to sleep.

He took his phone out of his pocket, ignored all the notifications and the unread messages that gathered in the last hours and turned it off completely. He carelessly threw it on the bed that had been carefully arranged whilst he had been out. Jon also noticed that the bottle of pills had been rescued from the sheets and placed on the nightstand. He took it and lightly shook it, the muffled clink of the pills startling him. The maid had picked them up instead of discarding them along with the used sheets and he could not decide if her gesture was a nice one or a stupid one.

"So much for the breadcrumbs..." he softly huffed and gave the container a spin in his hand then put it back, next to a black telephone. Before he could actually register what he was doing, he disconnected the device, the cable hanging useless in his hand under his slightly confused look for a few moments before he let it drop.

Was he really thinking that that phone, which probably hadn't rung in years, could disturb him? Or was it just another display of unjustifiable rage from his part?

"Why would you leave breadcrumbs? You're gonna drive away any possible rescuer anyway... " he sighed and shivered inwardly, the hurt in David's eyes too strong to be held in the back of his mind anymore. He lay on the bed, hoping sleep would engulf him as soon as his head touched the pillow.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the case. He had probably reached that weird point where he was too exhausted to fall asleep, because he'd been tossing and turning in bed for more than an hour now and he hadn't been able to catch a wink of sleep. And how could he, when everytime he closed his eyes that fucking rope appeared, showing him moments that he and this Jon had shared over time?

What was even more annoying was that the moments that stood out were the ones where he had faltered big time. Where he should have kept his mouth shut and he hadn't. Where he should have shown some understanding and compassion and he hadn't. Where he had acted like a first class jerk for nothing. It was like the rope was urging him to get out of there, indicating to him, not at all subtly, that he had a lot of things he could fix in his life.

He knew sooner or later - and it would be for the better if it was sooner - that he had to choose one of those moments, take a leap of faith and just jump into the unknown, but he didn't want to make a hazardous choice and he wasn't currently able to think straight. Not that his choice seemed to require too much logic. After all, no scheme he had come up with had worked until now.

And why exactly did he have to fix something if it didn't guarantee that Richie would be alive? He was coming from a circle where their relationship had been nothing but perfect, yet that hadn't stopped a fucking car ending Richie's life. It seemed the poor man was doomed, no matter how tense their relationship was around 2013. Although he hadn't visited many circles, Jon could say he had seen all the deadly combinations.