Saudade

chapter 1

Chapter one

Everything she was afraid of was happening. She saw her happiness and joy crumbling in front of her, and yet she stood there frozen. All that she loved and all that she could ever have wanted, slipping through her fingers. She kept replaying the conversation in her head as if it was recorded on repeat.

"It is you and me against the world love, always and forever"

He promised her with sorrow filled eyes.

"This isn't happening.. This isn't happening."

She repeated to herself as the tears started to fall from her eyes.

He became nothing but a memory forever burned into her mind, the one thing she couldn't run away from. She trusted him with her heart, her happiness. He made her feel something, he made her feel alive. Now it's all gone. She laid in her bed for the first 3 days, sobbing and trying to push back all the memories of him. She couldn't seem to get his laugh out of her head. She loved the way his smile would claim his face laughing at her terrible jokes, it made her feel like someone was caring. She can remember all the inside jokes they had, and the pointless conversations they had that meant the world to her. All they were now were memories.

After about a week she decided that it would be best to actually go and face the demons knocking at the door of her mind. She opened the door and everything came like a tidal wave. The thoughts, the physical pain in her heart, the reality that she couldn't escape. She would lay in bed, and go numb from the pain. She would always wonder if he would feel what she was feeling.

Everyone around her tried what they could to help her. All she was able to do was smile and put on the facade that she was okay, she wasn't; she was far from it. She couldn't go anywhere without something reminding her of him, whether it was a song that came on, or a memory that would claim her mind. Hell, even the way people would say things reminded her of him. She couldn't escape what he'd done to her heart. He made it beat again, and now she feels the pain seeping from the crack in it.

Over time, she learned to smile again even though it wouldn't be as bright as the one he gave her. She learned to let her heart feel pain instead of locking it away in the dark shadows of her mind. She learned what true strength was and understood what true pain was. She learned that love was something you couldn't replace with just anyone or anything. She understood that people will walk in and out of your life, but the ones you love will never leave your mind.

The funny thing about this is, she is me and I am her.

It's been 37 days since the last time I heard his voice. 49 days since I saw his face,held his hand and kissed his cheeks. According to everyones calculations, I should've been doing well by now. Without the "horrid monster" that everyone thinks i'm crazy to love. Calculations can be wrong, and in this case they're wrong

I laid in my bed, staring at the wall. I felt my numb heart begin to ache for the boy who isn't here anymore. The pain now comes in waves. I either feel everything all at once or nothing at all. There is never a in between, I don't know what grey is. I never did.

For some reason I can't bring myself to let go. If i let go that means i've accepted my fate with him as strangers and i rather be heartbroken than forget him. Then let go of someone, something that kept me alive. He was the reason my heart had purpose to beat. He has such a pure heart that loved me whole. Until one day it stopped. Or maybe it didn't but that's something i'm not sure i'll ever know .

I keep hoping he will come back even though I know he won't.  My heart throbs for his existence. Three years with a person can do a lot of damage. Due to the fact I was always surrounded by him for that time period. I grew attached and used to the hectic lifestyle he had lived. He felt like home, always making sure I was safe before anyone else, including himself.  He kept me sane, loving me even when I was a handful. As crazy as it sounds it's true. I think we balanced each other out. He was the escape I needed whilst I was the light that guided him.