Lost

Chapter 7

Voices close to her ear roused her from her sleep. She didn't move, even though her body was stiff and sore and begging her to stretch.
"Is-is the Imperial awake? Can I talk to her?" Whispering, he sounded more desperate than she had ever heard him.
Harial Jones' voice crackled through the 'EN-pad,' the feed choppy. "Sorry, sir. Your mother's still asleep." Mother? Her eyes almost flew open but she fought to stay still. "It was her wish that we wake her once we know for sure the planet is safe," Fisher said nothing, but she could feel the jolts of him nodding through his shoulder.
"As soon as she wakes up we'll contact Miss Pickney and she'll let you know everything." Jones paused. "Have you told her yet?"
"No," he said shortly. "And I'm not planning to. Goodnight, Jones."
The Head of the Guard sighed but the boy had more seniority than her if he was the Imperial's son so she had no right to lecture him. "Goodnight, Fisher."
The 'EN-pad' beeped as the video call ended and she heard Fisher's head bang softly against the wall.
In a spur of the moment, she reached out and squeezed his arm. He tensed.
"How much did you hear?" he asked, sounding like he was holding back tears. Thora licked her lips, regretting her decision to let him know that she was awake.
"Enough." Fisher sighed and her resolve to dislike him weakened. Just a little, she assured herself. "I never knew the Imperial had a kid."
He laughed bitterly and without humor. "I was what you call a 'problem child.'"
"Surprise, surprise," she laughed.
Fisher hummed, and she was relieved to hear that he didn't sound at all offended at her joke, even if she couldn't see his expression in the dark. "Anyway, she didn't really announce it. Especially after I got arrested. I was nothing more than a spare part to her so as soon as she found a reason to throw me away she took it."
"That's why you wanted to be Commander?" she asked and he finally met her eyes. "To take after your mom?"
"No. No, I don't want to be anything like her. But I guess it'd be nice if she noticed me for once."
"Well, we can't live for our families, can we? We have to live for ourselves." She laid her head back down on his shoulder and to her surprise put an arm around her. "And I guess we're all spares. But so what if we are? Spares can still be useful. They can still have a purpose. We just have to find ours."
"Wow," he murmured. "Now I see why they chose you as Commander. That was one hell of a speech." He let a slow breath. "How do you feel?" She shrugged. A flash of pain moved through her chest and she cringed. "That great, huh? You drooled on me, by the way."
She nudged him. "That's bull and you know it," she whispered, cuddling deeper into her sleeping bag as he chuckled. The air temperature had dropped drastically since she was awake earlier. Dell must be so cold, she thought and she had half a mind to go get her, but already her eyelids were growing heavy, and Fisher was just radiating body heat.
Soon enough, she was asleep.

The soft light of the red sun woke her. To her dismay, Fisher had been telling the truth last night. She had drooled slightly over the front of his shirt.
She looked up to find Dell sitting across from them, grinning ecstatically, her hands pressed together like some kind of mad scientist. Thora narrowed her eyes at the girl.
"Is there a problem?" she asked, which only made Dell's grin wider.
"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!" she squealed, jolting Fisher out of his sleep. He glanced down at his shirt before looking up at her, his face saying something like, 'I told you so.' She stuck her tongue out at him childishly.
"You guys are totally in love!" Dell exclaimed. Shocked, she froze, but Fisher quickly shifted away from her. His reaction caused something to stir in her gut. Something akin to jealousy but not quite. She couldn't put her finger on it, though, so she pushed it to the back of her mind. 
"Dell, we're not in love!" she countered. "We've known each other for four days!"
Dell waved her hand dismissively as if the finer details could wait. "Yeah, but you'll get there eventually," she told them nonchalantly, as if it were certain. Thora could think of nothing to say in response to that and instead only managed to open and close her mouth a few times like a fish, which made Dell giggle.
"Okay, enough with your shenanigans, ya little troublemaker," Fisher said, shooing her away unsuccessfully.
Kenji walked aboard, grinning. "How's my favorite patient?" he asked.
"I'm your only patient."
"False," he said, wagging his finger. "Polaris fell while she was on watch."
"That sounds serious," Fisher replied with fake concern, leaning forward. "Are you sure you should be in here right now instead of with her?"
"Meh, she'll be fine. For now." He turned to Thora. "Have you been icing your side?"
She bit her lip. "About that..."
He rolled his eyes. "Do that now. Fisher, make sure she does, or else it's gonna take a lot longer to heal than necessary." Fisher tossed her an ice pack after he activated it.
Pressing it against her side the pain eased slightly. She sighed in relief.
"See, I know my stuff so you should probably listen to me."
"Yeah, yeah," she muttered, still caught up on how good the cold felt against her burning, bruised skin.
"Don't do too much strenuous stuff today but, ya know, you can order some people around if it makes you feel any better," Kenji told her. "Just be careful." She nodded. It wasn't like she had planned on doing much, anyway. "I probably should check on Polaris. See you later." He waved as he left.
"Thora?" Dell asked, suddenly shy.
"Yeah?"
"How did you get your scar?" she said, pointing to her neck. Instinctively, her hand moved up to touch her neck, memories of that day flooding back in. Someone was bound to ask about it, she thought, surprised that it had taken so long.
"It's actually the reason I was arrested," she began. Dell leaned forward, already entranced. Thora glanced over at Fisher, suddenly feeling self-conscious about both the scar and the story. "Back on Earth, before the Blackout, I lived in New York. I was about fifteen. I was walking home from school, my usual route when I heard glass shatter from one of the buildings in front of me. I ran to see what it was. Not my brightest idea," she laughed at herself. Pausing, she tried to collect her thoughts. It felt like just yesterday and hundreds of years ago at the same time. She had been so naive. 
"I saw that one of the windows was broken so I went inside, thinking someone might be hurt. Someone had spilled something on the floor, kerosene maybe, and that's when I knew I had to get out of there. I ran from the building but it was too late. Just as I was at the front door whoever spilled the kerosene lit the match. The whole place went up, exploded. It sent glass flying... everywhere. I guess I was lucky that only one piece hit me. But one snagged me here," she said, pointing at the thick scar.
"I was knocked unconscious because of the blast. Hell, the paramedics said I shouldn't have survived. My face was burned so badly Blake didn't even recognize me when he came in to see me at the hospital." 
"Did it hurt?" Dell asked. Thora licked her lips but nodded. The pain had been excruciating and she spent most of her time at the hospital unconscious.
"Anyway, I-I tried to tell them that I hadn't started the fire but... there were too many witnesses." A single tear ran down her cheek. She hated how vulnerable she suddenly felt. As if these two people had found out how to rip open her brain and pull out every detail about her. "I haven't talked to Blake since the night I got arrested. He probably hates me! I left him alone during the Blackout! He was all alone!" She was spiraling again, she felt the weight pressing down on her, crushing her. Her breathing quickened, which hurt, making her breathing even faster.
Fisher rushed over, sat directly in front of her so his face was all she could see. He gripped her shoulders but she barely noticed. Her body was shaking uncontrollably, rocking back and forth. Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears and everything was too loud!
Dell stared at her, eyes wide in horror, face pale. "What's wrong with her?" she squeaked.
"Panic attack," Fisher explained quickly, grabbing Thora's face gently between his palms and forcing her to look at him straight in the eye.
"Look at me, Thora," he said, his voice soft but stern and after he repeated himself a few times it finally made its way into her frantic brain. "Good. Now try to match your breathing with mine." He inhaled slowly, then exhaled, over and over. Eventually, she managed to slow her breathing but the tears wouldn't stop. "You're gonna be okay. I promise." She cried into his chest, soaking his shirt with tears but he didn't seem to care. He held onto her as tightly as her injury would allow and she clung to him.
"Did I do this?" Dell asked, looking over his shoulder nervously. The girl looked like she was on the verge of tears herself.
"No, Dell. This isn't your fault," he assured her, keeping his voice calm and steady as he ran his fingers through Thora's hair. After a long time, her body relaxed and slowly she let go of him. She reached up to touch the scar on her neck but Fisher stopped her. "You're okay," he promised again.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and Fisher shook his head, letting go of her wrist.
"You don't have to apologize." She wiped at her eyes. Her eyes felt puffy and swollen and she could only imagine what she looked like. Fisher sat back, looking as exhausted as she felt.
"I think that's enough backstory-telling for today. Agreed?" She let out a feeble laugh and nodded. The whole ordeal had sapped her strength and the pain in her chest was stronger than before.
"Hand me the pain meds?" she asked tiredly. Dell reached them before Fisher even had the chance to move. She still seemed to think this was her fault. Sheepishly, she handed her the bottle, along with some water. "Thanks." She took the same amount as the night before, chugging down a few sips of water before speaking.
"Come here," she said to Dell, patting the ground beside her. The girl hesitated, just as nervous as the day they first met. Finally, she sat, staring at her folded hands in her lap. Thora reached over, grabbed her shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze. "That wasn't your fault, okay?"
She nodded ever so slightly, but still didn't look up at her. Thora's shoulders fell. She had never been good with kids and she had no idea how to get through to this hurt, broken girl.
Fisher leaned over. "I'll talk to her," he whispered so Dell couldn't hear.
She reached out, took his hand. "Thank you," she said sincerely and he offered her a nod in response. He helped Dell to her feet.
"Come on, kid, let's walk down to the hot spring. Collect water for the camp." She sniffled but didn't object. Before they stepped off the door he turned back to her. "We'll be back soon, Commander." She waved slightly, a new, much stronger wave of exhaustion washed over her.
Yearning for the days that she could lay flat, she relaxed against the wall, wishing that she still had her Fisher pillow. Thoughts chased each other through her mind. She had tried for two whole years to block out what had happened so long ago and it only took a few seconds for it to all come tumbling back in.
She buried her face in her hands, trying to ignore the barrage of images forcing their way through. A hand fell to her shoulder and she flinched, although she wasn't sure why. It was only Aeryn.
"Fisher wanted me to make sure you were alright." She paused, eyebrows lowered. "Well, he really said, 'make sure she doesn't do anything stupid,' but same difference. Are you okay?"
Thora wiped the fresh tears from her face and nodded. "I will be." Aeryn let out a sigh and sat back.
"Well, if you need anything... or just need to talk, don't hesitate to ask. I figure being Commander and having the fate of the human race on your shoulders isn't easy."
"Ain't that the truth, sister?" she laughed lightly, raising a fake glass in Aeryn's direction. Her friend giggled.
Thora smiled as they went on to talk about the happy parts of their life back on Earth. With friends like these, she thought, having the fate of the human race resting on your shoulders wouldn't be as bad.