Lost

Chapter 18

Thora sat at the ocean's edge, gathering her hair in her hands and twisting it out in a pathetic attempt to rid it of saltwater. Every once in a while, she'd cast playful glares in Fisher's direction, causing the boy to smirk at her annoyingly as he shook water from his head.
Her jacket lay on the shore, drying out in the waning light. She'd need it later once the sun set and the air turned cold. That time wasn't far away; the fiery orb had almost completely disappeared beneath a blanket of water.
Finally, she rose, course black sand clinging to her skin. She brushed off as much as she could. Fisher made his way over to her.
Most of the Spares were huddled around a tiny fire to keep warm, the smell of fish overpowering her nose. Joining them was more tempting than Thora cared to admit. But she had something important to do.
At first glance, she knew Kenji wasn't one of the Spares warming up and cooking the fresh fish they had caught earlier in the day. She knew where he was: the gravesite.
Fisher was already halfway to the fire pit when he realized she had stopped. He turned toward her, frowning.
"You coming?" he asked.
Subconsciously, her jaw tensed before she answered, "No, not yet. I-I have to talk to Kenji." Fisher's grimace deepened as he stepped back toward her. Even so, he nodded solemnly.
Fisher tossed her his jacket, as hers was lying in front of one of the huts. "Don't be too long," he said.
"I won't."
She slipped the jacket on as she made her way over to the gravesite. It was big on her and the sleeves slipped past the tips of her fingers.
They had made the gravesite as soon as they arrived. It felt right to honor their fallen friends before doing anything else. Even though there were no bodies buried beneath the earth, there were gravestone markers made from driftwood, lashed together with rope from the dropship, each one in the shape of a cross.
Kenji was right where she had expected to find him; kneeling in front of Aeryn's marker, shoulders hunched so far forward that they obscured his face.
Silently, she sat herself down beside him. His head snapped towards her for a fraction of a second before he quickly turned back to the grave.
"What do you want?" His voice was gruff and harsh and low. So different from the boy she had become friends with her first day on Cressida.
"I-" her voice failed her. The way Kenji addressed her made her hesitate. She cheered her throat and tried again. "I wanted to see if you were okay."
"Well, I'm not. Can you leave me alone now?"
She sighed, casting her eyes to Dell's grave marker. She opened her mouth to defend herself, but Kenji cut her off, finally looking at her with a dark fire in his eyes that put her nerves on edge. Her body tensed as she prepared to defend herself in case of an assault. Instead, he leaned back, arms propping him up.
"Look," he started, "you did the best you could. I'm not saying you didn't try to save them, I'm just saying it wasn't enough. And now they're dead. When Dell died you said you couldn't look at Fisher without seeing her." Tears welled in her eyes at the reminder. "That's how I feel whenever I see you. I see them both."
"I'm sorry."
"I know you are." Tears finally slipped from her eyes as she looked down at the ground in front of her. Sensing that the conversation was over, she got slowly to her feet. Her entire body felt heavy. If she had felt any happiness earlier, it was totally dashed now.
She glanced at the fire, where the Spares were laughing and eating and having a great time. It was the first time they'd felt at ease since landing.
Before she went to join them, she called out to Kenji over her shoulder. "Be angry for as long as you need. I understand. But... I can't lose another friend. And I don't know what's worse: being able to see you every day and you not being able to even look back, or never seeing Aeryn and Dell alive again."
He nodded at her, really, truly looking into her eyes for the first time since Aeryn's death. She hoped it meant that he would consider everything she said, not just brush it off.
With nothing else to say, she walked off to join the Spares at the fire.

Heavily, she sat down beside Fisher and leaned her head on his shoulder.
"How'd it go?" he asked softly, pressing his cheek against her hair. Thora laughed humorlessly, which led Fisher to pull her into his side.
"That bad?" She just nodded. She found that her eyes were suddenly just as heavy as the rest of her. "It'll get better," he promised her.
He reached forward and took one of the pieces of fish that had been roasting over the fire and offered it to her. "Hungry?"
"You have no idea." Without another word, she snatched the stick from him.