Falling for a Stranger (DannyPhantom.exe Fanfiction: Book 1)

Chapter Nine

My posture immediately went from relaxed to completely defensive as every one of my walls went up around my mind and my thoughts went into emergency mode because, for me, this was an emergency. Why was he asking me this? How did he find out? It's because of all the blushing like an idiot, isn't it? Those were just a few of the questions running around my mind because all I needed right now was to do anything I could to convince him otherwise, starting with outright denial of course. 

All of this was happening in my mind now because this was what I was used to doing in a situation like this because where I came from if someone asked you that question, it means that they notice something about you and if they notice something, even without any proof, your reputation and so much more would be in danger so gay guys like me learned how to divert attention from ourselves when people started looking at us too hard - it was a means of survival. I  should know, I had to use it with the woman who brought me into the world. Danny was standing there looking at me waiting for my reply so I said as calmly as I could, "No. I'm not gay. Why would you ask me that question out of the blue?"

"Ahhh," said Danny with the air of  a detective whose suspicions were just confirmed, "still locked in the closet I see."

"No," I said, with a little more force in my voice, standing firm and knitting my eyebrows, "I'm not in the closet cause I'm not gay."

"You are so majorly in denial bro," he said still drying his hair casually, oblivious to the panic going on in my head and the desperation to convince him otherwise.

"I am not," I said but my voice shook ever so slightly and Danny being the guy he was didn't fail to notice. 

"You don't sound so sure," he chuckled, clearly a bit amused.

"I am not gay," I said making sure to enunciate each word.

"Yea keep telling yourself that," he said, with his towel around his neck, "but I'm not blind. I see how you stutter and blush around me and I saw how you looked at me when you were tutoring me and even right now, you're trying so hard to be nonchalant when I know my half-naked body is making you squirm."

"N-no that's not true," I stammered, even though it was 100% true, "I'm not-"

But I didn't finish my sentence. The next thing I knew I was up against the wall cause Danny had walked toward me and I was trying to back away but didn't get far. He came so very close to me that I felt his damp hair tickle my cheek and the warmth of his body on mine as he placed both hands on the wall beside my head, in effect holding me in one place. My rigid stance melted and I actually trembled as I tried desperately not to look into his face; the problem was anywhere I looked it was an issue- if I looked down his firm abs and flawless skin came into focus and if I looked up his gorgeous brown eyes made contact with mine. 

"What are you doing?" I said to his arm since that was the only place I could look, my voice quivering.

"Making you see the truth about yourself," he said teasingly, clearly not taking note of my uneasiness.

"Danny, I'm not comfortable with this. Please, I told you I'm not gay."

"Yeah right," he replied, "Then why are you trembling?"

"Cause I'm a little scared," I said truthfully. Attraction towards him wasn't making me tremble, fear was. I didn't know what was in his mind or what he was going to do but I didn't feel comfortable. 

He ignored what I said and gripped me by the waist pulling me closer and that's when I realized he was trying to kiss me. I had always dreamed of this moment - but not like this. All my uncertainty turned to anger and I pushed him with more strength than I intended. He fell away from me startled, slipped on the wet tiles, and fell hard on the floor. 

"What the hell was that?" I said so angrily that he didn't seem to mind that I had just pushed him to the floor. "You don't just push someone up on a wall and try to kiss them. Ever heard of consent?"

"What- I-," he stammered as though he was just realizing what he had been doing, "It was just a joke man. I was trying to prove my point."

"And you thought trying to forcefully kiss me would just somehow make me accept I am gay when I clearly told you I wasn't!! What kind of person does that?"

"So you really aren't gay?" he muttered staggering to his feet and looking utterly shocked and ashamed.

"Does it matter now? Even if I was, I wouldn't tell you after what you just did. I thought we were friends and that I could trust you, but you betrayed that trust just now."

"Whoa bro calm down," he said holding out his hands placatingly, " I wouldn't do you like that man. It was just a joke, I wasn't really gonna do it if you never wanted me to and by that shove you gave me you clearly didn't want to, right?"

"Why are you asking? I thought that 'joke' was to reveal my sexuality."

"I'm still unclear," he admitted sheepishly.

I shook my head.

"You were my role model and friend," I said my voice cracking, "I thought I could trust you but it is clear to me I cannot."

"Bro...," he began to plead his brows furrowed but I raised my voice and stopped him.

"NO! YOU DON'T GET TO TALK AFTER WHAT YOU JUST DID! IT WAS BENEATH YOU AND I AM DISAPPOINTED AND SAD RIGHT NOW THAT THE PERSON I THOUGHT YOU WERE IS CLEARLY NOT WHO YOU ARE. I DON'T WANT YOUR APOLOGY! I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

With that I ran from the bathroom, leaving him there to watch as I disappeared out the door.

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Danny left the campus the day after that to go spend the last few weeks of the holiday with his family but not before he stopped and knocked on my door asking through the wood to talk to me. I ignored him and eventually I heard his footsteps receding down the hallway. I hugged my knees as I sat in bed covered under blankets, my eyes red from the crying I had been doing the last two days. 

'It was going so well', I thought, 'Why did he have to go and ask me that and then try to kiss me of all things! I mean, I wanted to but not like that. Not just for him to make me a piece of evidence in his argument. I would have told him eventually but now I don't even want to talk to him while the other half of me feels so stupid for losing him as a friend.'

"Well, aren't you just poor, confused, and pathetic?" my inner demon laughed with glee. I groaned out loud knowing the torment was about to become way worse. 

"That is all people will ever do to you, try to sleep with you, use you or reject you," it said, "cause you are worth nothing and you deserve nothing good. You mess everything up with your unnatural feelings, don't even know why you keep yourself alive to endure all this."

"Just leave me alone," I cried out loud in pain.

"Who are you crying out to?" the voice mocked me, "Nobody here but you and me. You are a disgrace and a waste of space and you deserve all the pain you've suffered and more."

"No, no, no," I cried quietly into my blanket, "It's not my fault."

"Yes, it is," the inner demon said, "Would you have lost your only friend here if you were straight? Would your mother hate you if you were straight? Would you have this situation to deal with if you were straight? No! All of your problems are because you are gay and you know it!"

"Go away," I said faintly, curled in the fetal position now, my nails digging into my forearms until beads of blood fell onto my blanket and I didn't even feel it because even the physical pain was no match for the mental struggle. The night passed with me curled up in total darkness inside my room, my arms scratched and bleeding, my eyes dry because my tears had run out and my chest hyperventilating as I cried, with nothing but my dark thoughts for company. 

No one cared and there was no one to help. No one cared and there was no one to help. It echoed throughout my mind like an anthem or a motto: I was gay. I was unnatural. Nobody wanted me, nobody cared and no one would help.

I was always alone and I would always be alone because I was different and I was abnormal and I didn't belong.