Antiquities: A Short Story Collection

I Am Fall Pt. 1

I am nothing. I have nothing. I will become nothing. I will never be worth anything. That's what I'd come to think of myself. No one told me otherwise. I could count my friends on one hand and they told me that was not good. Even the friends I had were drifting away. I cried a lot. I was always drained. The Voice, well, one of them, in my head, whispered dark things in my ear.

Give up. No talent. No life.

I did what I could to ignore this voice in particular but soon, it was all I heard. It dominated my thoughts. The truth was, I'd been unhappy for a long time.

Not Pretty. Not smart. Nobody.

Breaking down did nothing. I couldn't go any further down. I was at the bottom of the blackest hole with no prospect of escape. My writing, my art was all I had left. That, and music, though lately I couldn't find a song that described what I felt.

The friends I'd created, the ones I carried with me, were all I needed. They didn't wish I would disappear. I was starting to question them. I justified it too; blaming it on my lapsing sanity. I questioned every part of myself until I felt my life seemed fake and I was imposter to be living it.

The days became long and lonely. I thought nothing could salvage me. That horrible, repulsive voice shouted at me until I had to clap hands over my ears and crush my earrings with sweaty palms. It drowned out the friends I'd created, shutting them out until I couldn't hear them, even faintly.

Failure. ugly. fake. Disappear.

I'm not proud to admit I thought about disappearing forever. People around me seemed to encourage this course of thinking. What could I do? I couldn't beat them and they wouldn't let me join them.

The day I thought the cruelest thoughts was both the best and worst day of my life.

* * * * 

"Hey Rynn, nice hair." Lisa noted. Her perfume engulfed me as she sauntered by. I wasn't about to believe that my ponytail, strung too tight, had caught her eye for good reasons.

Lisa and I had nothing in common. Her skin was flawless even without makeup. Her clothes were well thought out. I had dry, worn hands, and the hint of acne on my face. I didn't have her long, smooth legs or fit body. I was short and to be honest, chubby.

I hated the flare of jealousy that reared in my chest whenever I saw her. Either talking to her friends or bragging about her grades. I had no choice but to go to class and sit with my jealousy. The group giggled and whispered behind me about God knows what. It was like that every day. Class began. I doodled where my notes should go, and class ended. I didn't learn a lot. Everyone hurried to the door. Typical, except today, Lisa approached me.

"How does it feel to be ugly?" she mused. Her friends giggled. My fingers tightened around my ragged notebooks. The voice came back to whisper to me.

She's right.

She waited, expecting an answer. I didn't have one. I didn't understand why hurting me made her smile but it did. The sunny banner that traveled around the room's upper corners caught my eye. I wished I was one of those novel characters. Because I knew how their stories ended. They all got happy endings, where was mine?

"Feels like shit." I shrugged. I didn't know if that's what she wanted to hear.

"Hmm, thought so." she scoffed and started out the door. Her friends followed her. My eyes felt hot. The last thing I wanted was to let them see me cry. I decided to skip my next class. So why hurry? One day wouldn't dent my grades. They were already a salvage job.

I put my headphones in and left the classroom. My chest ached and felt empty where I imagined my guts should be. My music was loud. Even that couldn't drown out that voice. The things it said were starting to sound reasonable.

The cool, autumn air ran over my skin as I stepped outside. I could feel hives beginning to form. I yanked my sleeves down further. The deserted parking lot laid out in front of me. Congested with cars that were parked badly.

I took my first steps into the street, knowing something wasn't right. I never listened to instinct anymore though. I shouldn't have been so surprised when a car came out of nowhere and crashed into me.

I bounced off the windshield and felt glass give way under me. I rolled over the car and hit the pavement with a sickening thud. My vision blurred and the world around me went silent. It was eerie how quiet it all became. Black and silent.