5 Year Love

2019

In 2019, i wanted something more than what we had. Whether it was with or without you, I just knew I wanted more. We'd hit some rough patches through the years, a lot more than I care to mention. But we were still together technically.

I wanted a ring. If we were going to stay together, I wanted a grand gesture that said you still cared and you would continue to care. I wanted an engagement, simply because we'd been together for what felt like forever.

I didn't get that, and im glad I didn't.

I would have stupidly said yes, ignoring all the signs that we weren't meant to be. I wanted to be with you so much that I had forgotten why i "loved" you in the first place.

Everyone thought we would end up married, I was so stupid for wanting that too.

I threw away my happiness to keep up a lie. I had to constantly watch what I said or did. Everything felt like it had to go through you first. And if you didn't like something, you'd get upset. I would feel bad and I would apologize. I can't remember you apologizing to me, did you? I'm sure you did, your mom raised you better than to not apologize.

I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Then a friend came along and he told me to stop putting up with it. I wasn't happy.

I had no friends left. I had pushed everything to the back of my mind while focusing on making you happy. I didn't even love myself at this point.

So we broke it off. I blocked you on absolutely everything and cut all contact with you. I haven't spoken to you since. A full year later, I'm writing this.

Am i over you? I stopped loving you so long ago. I stopped loving myself when I tried to make you happy the last year or two. I still struggle to love myself, but time will heal all wounds.

2021 update: No, I still haven't learned to love myself, but being with you was a great experience that I'm trying to go back and learn from still.