Always on the Run

13. Being normal

Hi guys! Here is the latest AOTR chapter. I hope this puts a little smile on your face in the end. :D Happy reading and you know the drill.

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I stare at the floor and breathe deeply. The emotion is too much. I feel exhausted. It’s like I’m always on the run. Running from reality. Running from commitment. Running from life. Is it time to stop? Is it time to face the reality and sort myself out? Is it time to give up on Jamie and just focus on me?

As for Julian…well he’s not really my problem at the moment. While he’s figuring himself out, I should do the same. We have more in common than I realised. We both have messed up lives and hide it from other people. What if Julian and I were drawn together for a reason? I mean he has a problem and I have a problem but neither of us know each other’s dark secret. We may never be a couple but what if we are meant to be together to help each other heal?

My thoughts are interrupted when I feel an arm across my shoulders. I look up and see Mum kneeling next to me. I stare at her through blurry, tear filled eyes. Her brow in furrowed in concern and her eyes are searching my face as though looking for any sign of another breakdown.

Sighing heavily, I look away from her gaze and just look around at my messy surrounds instead. There’s a sudden pang in my heart as realisation of what I’ve done dawns on me and this is rapidly followed by emptiness settling in the pit of my stomach. There’s nothing left and now there is a scary road to recovery ahead of me. One I don’t know if I’m ready to take.

The thing is, when I tried to forget about the addiction, the gifts were always here. It’s like a hidden stash of drugs. You convince yourself you’re working through your addiction when in reality there is always something close by for those moments you can’t cope.

With them gone though, I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive. The feelings I got from opening one gift were so overpowering it literally hurts to think I won’t experience them again. Can one feel something so amazing in simple, everyday life? I’ve never known anyone who has but I suppose I’ve never asked.

Sighing again, I finally look up at Mum and say, “My life is meaningless, Mum. I don’t know how to live normally and experience the happiness I got from those gifts. The thought of living a boring, robotic life scares me. What am I supposed to do?”

She offers me a small, consoling smile then stands and holds out her hand. I look at her in confusion but take her hand anyway and she helps me to my feet.

“Do things normal people do,” she says when I’m facing her. “Find things you enjoy doing, find a hobby.” She reaches out and wipes away a stray tear from my cheek. “You just need to meet some people and find some things that you enjoy.” Her eyes suddenly light up and she asks, “How about we go out somewhere? Perhaps I can cheer you up and show you it’s not really that bad being ‘normal’.”

I shake my head and take a step back. The thought of going out makes me sick to the stomach. I just want to stay here and wallow in my self-pity. I need to figure this out myself. My mother shouldn’t have to—

“Let’s put it this way,” Mum interrupts. She has a sternness in her eyes that I haven’t seen for years. “I’m not taking no for an answer. You will come out with me and I will show you it’s not all that bad.”

“But—”

“No but’s, Teresa. Now go get yourself sorted and we’ll head out when you’re ready.”

***

Half an hour later I’m sitting in Mum’s car, arms folded across my chest as I stare out the window staring at nothing. I have no idea where she’s going and I really don’t care. I meant it before, I really don’t want to go out but I also know when not to argue against Mum. I guess the positive is she might come up with a miracle cure. I suppose I should give her a chance, right?