In The Unlikely Event [updates begin may 3]

25 | i'll be okay

a/n: this chapter was rlly just a conversation that i wished i had with myself or had someone to have it with. i hope y'all enjoy reading. comment, vote, share and follow me on my socials (twitter and instagram: minnietheailen) to connect and talk. 

lil recap: tamara and addy went to the pageant audition. there while tammy was getting the girls' body measurements, addy encountered a couple of girls who told her she was pretty for a black girl. angry, she leaves them and runs into rome who helps her alleviate some of her anger. 

#

The sun was blinding, and kicking away at snow, I tipped down Rome's baseball hat.

"I did try to apply." I looked up at Tammy once she paused on searching through Hakeem's gym bag for a suitable hockey stick. "For the pageant," I added. "That's how I knew about the girls declaring who/where they got their dresses from. And 2% is the base fee most designers take for original pageant dresses; Ms. Clarke was tryna lowball you. Hard." I dropped my eyes down. "I was interested enough to apply."

The silence stretched until I couldn't take it anymore, and I lifted my head back up. Tammy was sitting on the edge of the SUV trunk, and once I looked up, moved the gym bag over to the very end and patted the open space beside her.

"Why did you never tell me this?"

"Because I knew nothing substantial would result from it?"

"Addy--"

"Last week," I interrupted, finally taking my eyes off my swinging legs to look at her. "Last week, when we went to the pageant audition, while you were in the back, a couple of the girls waiting after everything was done told me I was pretty for a Black girl."

"Addy--"

I grasped her shoulders, pulling my best friend closer to me. "Tammy, I know. I'm not pretty for a Black girl. I'm beautiful, I'm a work of art, I'm a goddess, I'm pretty. I know and believe that, now. But I didn't go back in grade 10, and that's why I didn't apply for it."

Reaching out, she wiped away a single tear that trailed down my cheeks. "Do you want to apply now? Because I swear to God, Addy, you say the word, and I'll design you a dress that'll make Vera Wang jealous."

I smiled through the tears that blurred my vision and pulled Tammy into a hug. Pulling back, I wiped away the last traces of tears. "No, I just, last week reminded me of how far I've come to be the person I am today. And I needed you to know because when you asked me a few weeks ago, I was still holding to a small, tiny, part of that thread that refused to believe I really am beautiful." I laughed, hollow even to my ears, and matched my empty laughter with some awkward jazz hands. "But it's obliterated now."

"I--no." Tammy's hand clamped over mine and lowered them down. "Addy, look at me, we don't have to stay." She held onto my chin when I tried to avert her gaze. "We'll tell everyone that something came up, and we had to go back home. This isn't just something that you can 'jazz hands' away."

"Tammy, I'm fine. I'm not going to miss out on the hockey game 'cause of this."

"Addy--"

I stood up, and the SUV bounced back up after me. "Get your hockey stick, Tammy. You know everyone is probably already threatening to start without us." My affirmations were falling on deaf ears, and I pulled on her arm to physically lift her up. "Tammy, seriously, they are going to start without us. And this is our year, I can feel it."

She finally dug out of the gym bag her usual hockey stick--Hakeem's old favourite growing up. The blue was faded, years of use washing away the colour and doodles--courtesy of Tammy and I--that used to line the stick. Reaching up, we pulled down the door of the trunk together and started making our way over to the frozen lake, which was now a makeshift ice/skating rink.