Ferocious Affection (COMPLETED)

37TH

Ysa's

"Okay ka lang?"

Everytime that someone asks me that question, I couldn't help but to let my pain show. Ayokong makita ako ng ibang tao na umiiyak. As much as I want to show them that I'm strong, my tears just won't stop from falling from my eyes. It sucks.

"In love na in love kasi, naloko tuloy!" pang-aasar pa ni Nico, halatang lasing na rin mula sa mga alak na ininom namin dito sa bar.

"Ako 'yung huling nagkagusto, pero ako 'yung unang umiyak!" sigaw ko, ramdam na rin ang pagkalasing.

Agad naman akong napahalakhak nang may maisip.

"Ay, mali! Ginamit lang pala ako!" I laughed. Hindi rin nagtagal at napalitan 'yon ng pag-iyak at paghikbi, ang dahilan kung bakit tinatapik na naman ako ni Nico sa aking likod.

Nico was the only person I could talk about what happened, for he was the only one who really knew it. I would cry at him whenever he was free. Hindi nga lang napadalas dahil sa ubod ng sungit niyang jowa na akala mo ay agagawan ko siya. Bwisit, kakahiwalay ko nga lang, hahanap pa ako ng sakit sa ulo? Hindi nag-iisip.

They said it takes a year and six months to forget someone your really loved. And I, being a foolish woman, spent the said time doing so. I had to turn back from everything once again.

I was alone in the process. No one else, expect for Nico, knows about the agony I've been going through. I then realized that it was inescapable. You expose yourself to great danger once you let yourself be attached to someone. I didn't know how to get the freedom that I wanted to have.

The fragile me came back. I let my guard down when I shouldn't have. I was so stupid to easily fall into traps back then.

I don't even know how I managed to go to the university everyday, knowing that my ex-boyfriend will be there. Ang alam ko lang ay pilit kong inabala ang aking sarili sa lahat ng mga kailangang gawin. Minsan, hindi ko na lang namamalayan na umiiyak na pala ako habang gumagawa ng school works. Distraction was my only way out, it was very hopeless back then.

And here I am, trying hard to gain myself back and be strong again.

"I am an independent woman who can be strong without the help of anybody," bulong ko, trying to convince and comfort myself with my own words.

"Huy, anong ginagawa mo r'yan? Nagri-ritual ka na naman ba?"

I muttered a curse when a high-pitched voice disturbed me. She was smiling at me with a glass of beer on her hand. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin ngunit hindi siya natinag. Sumuko na lang ako at inabot ang isang baso ng beer upang tunggain.

"We are taught to mind our own business, Leia." sambit ko, stressing my co-worker's name. "Konektado rin 'yan sa business."

"Wow," she sarcastically said. "Porke magiging temporary secretary ka ni Sir Rudy, ah?" pang-aasar pa niya. Nasira rin agad ang kanyang mukha matapos na uminom ng isang glass ng beer.

I rolled my eyes.

"And in those times, he'll give me..." I stood up and spanked myself. Napahalakhak siya dahil doon, halatang lasing na. "...buttloads of work, that's for sure."

Ibinagsak ko ang basong ininuman ko sa mesa at sumayaw-sayaw papunta sa dance floor. Agad na nagbigay-daan ang mga tao roon kaya't napunta ako sa gitna. Naghiyawan sila nang magsimula akong makisayaw sa isang lalaki rito. I danced to the beat of the music and the man also did.