Leisen's Journal

Entry #1

Dear Journal,

First off, this is not a diary. This is a journal for me to write down my innermost thoughts. I have no idea why I've decided to start writing. Quite possibly because my best friend, Paige, writes in a journal and says it helps to get her aggression and frustrations out. She told me that I should try it just so that I could start to feel convalescent. So, I'm going to take her advice and see if this will help me.

I'm guilty about a lot of situations in my life. I lost my baby sister, Kat, because I couldn't do what I was told. I was immature and I left her when she needed me. No matter how many times I'm told it wasn't my fault, I'm still going to believe it was. If I had of been there, I could have saved her. I destroyed my family. I broke my moms heart. And I watched my dad crumble. Katerina was the brightest little girl out there and she would have had the best life. I know my mom will never be the same. I know she's scared of losing me. My dad, he was never the same. He stayed out until god only knows what time. He became an alcoholic after she was taken from him. And it's all because of me. I ruined my family's life because I wanted to do my own thing.

Every night, I can almost hear her screams and picture everything that happened to her even though I wasn't there. I can see everything they did. And I hate myself for not being there. I hate myself for destroying my family.

And I ended up killing my father. If I hadn't of been stupid and started a fight that I knew I couldn't win, he would still be here. He saved my life and I took his. I didn't deserve it. Nobody knows why the fight started. It started because Michael was telling everyone that I was the one that killed my sister. And that I did all those horrible things to her and blamed someone else. I couldn't take that, he was making it worse for me and my family. I wanted to put an end to it. So, I started a fight with him. I remember knowing that he was in a gang and that he was probably some sort of weapon. It never occurred to me that he would be carrying a loaded gun. He was about to dispatch me when my dad pushed me out of the way. My dad took the shot for me and saved my life. I was with him while he passed away. I stayed with him even after he drew his final breath. To this very day, I still don't know how he got there in time or how he knew. I regret being stupid.

After that, my mom broke. She locked herself in their room and didn't come out. I tried to move on and forget. But I couldn't. Everything I tried to push away kept on coming up to the surface and threatened to suffocate me. Paige is the only one who saw how much pain I was in. She was even in pain too. She was like family so she felt the pain and loss too. But she pushed everything she was feeling aside to help me get through it. She was the only one I could let in. The only one I could trust. She kept me from cutting myself. She told me to think of her when I wanted to do it and to ask myself if she would be proud of me and if my dad and Kat would be proud of me if I let everything get to me. Some days it wasn't enough. And I drank until I could no longer walk or function. I destroyed myself. I didn't sleep because of the nightmares. I even thought about doing drugs. But she kept me from doing them. She even saved me when I almost committed suicide. She was my hero. My savior. I didn't do one thing to stop her pain and suffering.

Even now, I still have those days and feel like ending it all. But I remember how much she's helped me and how much I would hurt my mom. I love my mom more than ever. She's the only family that I really have. I do everything she says because I can't risk losing her and her love after I lost everything and everyone else.

Right now, I feel bad about how I treat other women. I use them for sex. I'm not proud of it because I don't want to hurt them. But I do to make myself feel better. It's so messed up and unsubstantial. I'm a horrible person.

The only girl that I refuse to hurt is Paige. She means so much to me that I can't hurt her. Not when I need her this much. Not when she's the only person who really cares about me and keeps me alive. I admit I do love her. In more than a brotherly or best friend way. But I'm not right for her. She deserves better.

-Leisen