Alone

※Chapter 4※

After snapping myself out of the memory I realize it's nearly 2 AM I close my laptop, roll over and attempt to sleep but the thoughts that were rushing through my head wasn't allowing it.

I get up and go to the kitchen to make myself some hot tea and try to relax, I hear my mum come up behind me and she asked what I was doing.
Without Turing to face her I said "making hot tea. Would you like some?" In a very mono tone voice.
She answered with a simple "no thank you" I finished making the tea and sat at the breakfast bar, she then joined me. With great concern in her voice she said "Troye hun, are you okay?" I answered with a simple "I'm fine just tired" she nodded and after a moment said "you really should get to bed honey it's nearly 3" I agreed and she walked back with me toward my room and followed me into my room and said "if you need anything I'm just down stairs" I nodded and got into bed she left the room but didn't quite close my door all the way, I could hear her whispering to my dad "I honestly thought he was going to kill himself tonight when I found him in the kitchen... He hasn't been doing good." my dad then says slightly louder "we have done all we can do.. Therapy, rehab,
anti depressants are our only options at this point.. he will be okay he's a smart kid." I then hear a slight sniffle from my mother "what if everything we can do isn't enough, I'm almost give up on trying with him anymore, it's a fight to get him to take the medications and they don't seem to be working too well..."

I rolled over left with my thoughts..
"I'm almost ready to give up on trying with him anymore"
My own mum sees there is no hope for me. There is no hope for me. I wish the first time I would have just went through with it.

About a week after everything with Adam he called me and asked what happened claiming not to remember anything that happened and denied everything he said, he claimed he loved me for me and no other reason and said I was stupid for making this all up and actually believing it.

After that call I went into my bathroom with a steak knife and stabbed myself in the stomach in an attempt to kill myself, I hit my right lung witch resulted in me passing out rather quick and not being able to get enough air, my brother Tyde found me 7 minutes after it happened. He called the paramedics and they done CPR on my bathroom floor for 25 minutes and then I was rushed to the hospital, after another 45 minutes of CPR I was pronounced dead. 12 minutes later they got a heart beat. It was beating twice every 7 minutes and slowly it increased and eventually got stronger. I was in a coma for 2 weeks and had my lower right lung removed because of the damage I had done.

Once I woke up they expected brain damage, I was as fine as I could be for just stabbing myself.

Once I woke up I didn't remember anything, they still sent me to a mental rehabilitation center for treatment and 2 months later I was released, I had been diagnosed with depression.

Adam knew what had happened, Zach would call Tyde from time to time to see how I was, Adam never called.
And now here I am 3 months later being watched by everyone around me, everyone is just waiting on a cue for me to go over the edge again and never come back.

I keep to myself most the time, I go to school, sit in the back of class, attended group therapy every Tuesday night, even though I don't participate, then come home work on school and sleep. What a life.

My mum has put all her faith in anti depressants. It's all she can depend up on to keep me around, I don't understand why the pills matter so much.
I don't understand why I matter so much.

I roll over and check the time, 6:42.
I just get up, I have to get up in 3 minutes anyway, and with no sleep I go into the bathroom and get ready I run pomade through my hair, put on a simple grey sweatshirt, black skinny jeans, and boots I then go downstairs to the kitchen and make myself some coffee, my mum asked how I slept I replied with a simple "fine." She then asked "what was going on last night? Are you okay" I then gave her a slight smile and said "yeah, I'm fine" she then nodded and left for work.

I ran upstairs grabbed my keys and went to school. I went to class, slept through part of math, went on with school like normal, on free period I went to the small coffee shop in the library returned to my normal seat and waited for art. I usually am excited for art, but not with that perky dumb ass in there.

I got to art, sat down next to the strange purple haired boy, avoiding eye contact, until he broke the silence with a stern "do you have a problem with me? Is there some secret grudge you are holding I should know about?" I then glared at him and looked back down at the desk "Erhm no, I just work alone, I don't take well to people.. Like you." he then looked extremely surprised and said "like me!? Like me how? Human. Breathing. Gay?" I quickly responded "perfect! Perfect hair, perfect body, perfect skin, perfect life! Popular! It's not fucking fair everything has been handed to you in life!" And I slightly yelled it but no one paid much attention to it. I got slightly defensive because he said gay.

I am gay I'm just not really out, my family knows and if you asked me I would tell you but I don't like to just run around saying it.

Tyler then looked me slightly teary eyed and said "lets just get this stupid project done.. I'm not going to let you be the reason I get a bad grade..." I nodded in agreement.

Tyler asked "do you have any ideas what you would want to do for this project?" I really hadn't put much thought in it and said a simple "no." Tyler said over excitedly "welllll I have a few ideas!" Wile holding his hands together like he's been dying to tell me this, I rudely said "okay, out with it" he then turned to me and said "okay! So I was thinking we could do our project on perfection! And like how everyone says you have to always be perfect, but no one ever is.. Get what I mean?!" I then tried to hide a smile and said "yeah, okay." The bell rang meaning school was over, right as Tyler was about to leave I called for him I said feeling slightly guilty "Tylah, look I'm sorry, I was wrong to judge you before we even spoke." Tyler looked at me like he was about to cry and put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eye and said "its fine. I know you are struggling, which why you act the way you do, it's a defense mechanism." I nodded not denying it and turned on my heel to walk away but Tyler called for me "hey Troye," I walked back over to him, he dug into his bag and pulled out a pen grabbed my hand and wrote his number on it he smiled and said "if you need anything call me, anything."
I then nodded and walked to my car to head home.

Once I was home I done my normal homework, tumblr, then whatever I needed to do for art.
I grabbed my phone and called Tyler
"Um... Heelllooooo??" I then quickly snapped "Tylah!" He then said "uhm yeah? Who is this?" I rolled my eyes knowing he couldn't see it "Troye.
Troye Sivan!" I heard a slight giggle "ohh Troye! With an E!" I cursed at myself for blushing when I heard him laugh he then said "what??" shit I said that out loud "nothing, um we need to get together and work on this art project!" Tyler then said "oh yeah!" I asked "would you want to come to my house after school tomorrow? We can paint here." Tyler then said "sure! I'll just catch a ride with Ya?" I simply said "sure" and hung up the phone.

I'm not sure why I blushed, or felt the butterflies in my stomach when I talked to him, or why my hands seemed uncomfortably colder with out him holding them..

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Hey! So another double update! Haha thanks for all the reads! Hope you are enjoying it! I may be able to update late tonight but I'm not sure! Let me know what you think so far!
-M