Hope And Faith ✓

25. Hope

2/2

Author: What is one thing that only the thought of it makes you giddy?

Faith: When I realise that after all the bull crap, tears and amazing things that are going to happen life will still go on. Because it's a cycle that I'm not sure is stoppable.

~Faith Jennings.

••

Dear Hope,

If I was to write million and one ways that I could tell you goodbye, trust me, this would not be one of them.

Yes, this is a goodbye and in a sense a new hello. A few months before I moved into this town I was cooped up with only my mind as a companion, angry at the world and everyone in it. I was a toxic to myself and I did not even know it.

Even if I could say everything made me who I am today I can't help but feel terrified and I don't know why. But the truth is that, I'm a terrible person. If I'm toxic to myself what means I'm not toxic to those around me?

I'm trying to start a new fresh page of my life and I want you to know that if I do end up leaving, you can too.

A few months back my best friend and I were having an argument. She had a toxic, abusive father that wanted nothing more than to kill her with his two hands. She was blind to all this, she fed on that hope that maybe he would still love her one day.

I used to love gymnastics back then, it was my own private escape from the world but now, it's a burden to me. Anytime I look at the countless first place trophies and medals I've gotten I can't help but feel dirty about myself.

I could still remember one night, I had convinced her—Melody was her name— to run away from her father. I told her I would lead her every step of the way and she finally agreed. The plan was easy, we would go home early from the tournament we had—it was to last an entire weekend giving us just the time we needed— that day with the excuse that I was feeling sick and she would agree to take me to her place to rest. From there she would grab her things and I would take mine that I had kept in her closet.

It was the perfect plan until it wasn't.

We didn't plan that her father would come home even earlier than us and we didn't think we would ever have to cook up and explanation as to why we had bags filled with clothes and few essentials. You can say we weren't smart, we should have had a plan B.

The moment she pulled up at hers we both had gotten out of the car. Her house door was locked with a key so we thought we were safe. I could remember us climbing up the stairs, it was a bit dark so I switched on the lights to the stairs. He was there, at the top of the staircase. He was burning in rage and was demanding an explanation that neither Melody or I had planned.

She was scared of him, her own father. There wasn't any sort of respect, only fear. She wanted us to make a run for it, she said that if we did we'd have a chance to escape him. I shouldn't have let her talk me into the idea so easily, but I did.

While her Dad tried to catch up with us we were running down the stairs. Melody's foot had caught on one of the steps and she came stumbling down.

That was how Melody had died.

No matter what story the press may have cooked up or whatever article that you would have read remember this, you're the only one that knows how she had died.

She had fallen off the stairs and twisted her neck. When I tried to run outside to call for help her father had grabbed me by my hair while I tried to run away.

Her home was just like mine. I considered her house practically mine. It was painful to have watched her die there while her father tried to keep me quite.

I know that I probably have a lot of explaining to do but she was my best friend. I spent months in pain when no one cared about my part of the story.

The believed her father who said I had murdered her by pushing her down the stairs.

Now, I'm going to avenge her, Hope. And if I fail you'll probably never see me again.

I want a second chance, and if I get one I'll be normal, it's always been my lifelong dream.

I want a second everything because the first was bullshit. I want to right a wrong that wasn't technically mine. But I know you, I know exactly what is going through your mind now: why am I making this sacrifice? Or why am I agreeing to leave.

That, I don't want to tell you. I can't feed you everything that you need to know but I want to tell you this: Hope, remember that it isn't wrong to have second everything's. Because the first are always unexpected. But the seconds are the best, you know why? Because you can twist it to your favour. You can do it the way you want to. As long you're the one fixing yourself, you're not letting anyone fix yourself for you, then you're going in the right direction.

If you promise me that one day you'll fix yourself then I promise that I'll fix myself too.

I love you, Hope. You were there for me when I wasn't there for myself. This is the least I could have done; give you a piece of advice about life.

Bye, annoying rabbit.

I hope I see you someday soon,
Faith.