My happiness has grown over the years because of that one person, I have become more aware to others as I have to them. But what I learned through this experience is that your closest friend is also your worst enemy. My light has grown inside me but now that its there, darkness lingers in the place where every light is found, in my heart. I have felt nothing more then love for this person (or what ever a grade 3-7 thinks is love. Yes it lasted that long dont judge.) but i didnt know whether or not she liked me back. I soon relise that she just wanted to be friends (i think) so after that it was kinda not even friends like we were before more like acquaintances who barley talked to each other . My hurt has just begun with HER.
After that I kinda went silent no one to talk to once again but some of my friends who thought of me as" Jacob Yap". My silence kinda got me closer to some other people that just came to our school and I didnt mind that they really couldnt fill the void of HER just a small portion. But as time grew by I have met someone who I thought was the next one I liked I grew to like her even more especially during a field trip that was in winter. We had to take are partner blindfolded from one point to another and she asked me to be her partner. I had said directions to lead her there but she fell and the more she fell the more she began to hold on to me and the more I held back. That feeling really got me into reality of what I felt toward others. But once again my own curiosity filled me with wonder and awe to ask the simple question "do you like me". NO as I saw on text
I actually was happy about it because it led me to LOVE someone even more (yes I liked 2 people at the same time) which led to my own demise an endless hole full of dispair and pain somehting I had already felt multiple times. But I had hope for this to work even if we were from 2 different worlds. My darkness saved by her light, my HATE carried by her LOVE. The feeling to part ways with someone that you know was the one now lost once again is like having my heart beaten and tortured. My hurt is confusing some may understand what I am going through but either way I dont listen. Ive tried talking to a friend about this she ends up being right with her mind but I've never gotten an answer from the heart right now someone who can relate to me with feeling not mind. There is a difference a big difference in being smart with your mind and being smart with your heart.
Im so annoyed to the point where my heart has just stopped. I constantly deal with stress I hate it I just want to give up die disappear become unknown to those who have met me. Now that today has almost ended I feel as though LOVE is my main stress now.
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong, It always trusts, it always hopes, it always preserves.
^ that quote up there ^ is what keeps me believing that theres hope that it will work out between me and her. I just have to put my faith in God because even though its my life God is the one with the plan. (IDC IF U CALL ME JESUS BOY, CHURCH BOY ETC CUZ IVE HONESTLY HEARD THAT MORE TIMES AND ITS BECOME ABUSIVE NOW) ^_^
