what you want most \\ harry hook (!discontinued!)

you don't know the half of the abused.

I stared at the wall through matted hair. it had been a while since I was shot with the 'rehabilitation' drugs, and though the singing was there, it was fading away. Now that I think about it, it had been 14 meals since I last had sedation drugs in my system. That was out of character. But then again, so was I. It was a strange day- the air was charged with purpose. 

The hidden door slid open. I smiled dumbly at the nurse, the only familiar face over these long, white years, and stuck my arm out. He shook his head. "Not today."

 I tilted my head in confusion. Why else would she be here? Two hulking guards filled the doorway. The nurse inclined his head for me to follow him, so I did, glancing back at the room as I left. The guards filled in behind me. 

The walls out here were stainless steel. Not white.

It's been a while since I've seen anything but white. 

We walked down a long hallway, past other doctors and such that flinched away from me as we walked by. Likely as they should. I was worse now than when I had entered, in my own un-professional opinion. So many nurses- why had I only gotten- what was his name?  He never ever said. "What's your name?"

He glanced back. I" 'm not supposed to share personal information." 

"Hmm... Kyle."

"No, not kyle."

"Kyle." I tasted the word in my mouth. "Ky-le. Yup, Kyles ya name." 

"It's not."

"The world certainly seems ta think so."

He glanced back again. "What?"

We passed a white sign and all of the sudden the Voices were back in a full-force tidal wave, disappearing the next second. 'Kyle' was ingrained in their tune somewhere. "They agree. The voices. Kyle."

Kyle had the good nerve to look scared of me for the first time in a long while. 

We walked in silence for a bit, then stopped in front of a large double-doored room. A green sign- green, I almost wept- read 'cafeteria.' Kyle turned around to face me fully. "It is my decision and that of those around me that you require socialization. After over two years in isolation-"

Two years?

Two years? I had been in there for two years? His voice had faded away as the world blurred. Two years, years and years, my friends, they would be missing me, dad, he must be in here too, two years in here, nothing but my thoughts, 

"Jacqueline?" I blinked out of my terror-induced frenzy. "This way, please." I followed the man into- noise. Real, actual noise, not made by me, not in my head, but made by other people. People like me in white uniforms sitting on benches upon benches eating, talking, quietly as it might be, they were making noise. The guards led me to a center table and forcibly sat me down next to people. Actual people. The guards and Kyle the nurse then disappeared through the door, leaving me here in this giant place. I looked around, awestruck at the people. After years- two, apparently- of loneliness. 

Then, I blinked it away. Back to being me. All of the sudden, my memories were back in full force, and I remembered my personality, who I was. I wasn't a child.  I wouldn't be awestruck by the hundreds of people in the room. I had grown up on the isle. Nothing could faze me. It was me who fazed them. 

Sweet Hades, what had that room done to me? 

Made my person so bland that nothing had any meaning anymore? That I forgot what was beyond those four white walls? That I forgot to fight? Forgot that where I come from, I rule? I have to get back. Two years was long enough. Time to control all of what surely must be trauma and get myself together so I can destroy this place, after getting back home and re-instating myself as me.