home ➝ ricky bowen

7- sleepover

"God, everything's so fucked up," Alexis mumbled after a long moment of silence. Her and Ricky were still sitting out in the hallway as the clock struck midnight.

She wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry. Gosh, I'm so stupid, I've already broken my stupid rules. Stupid."

"Rules?" Ricky asked in confusion.

Alexis blushed. "Um, yeah. When I first came here I made a set of rules for myself. One of them was no opening up to people. And another was no crying in front of anyone. And I already broke both of them."

"Oh," Ricky said. And then, "if you think I'm going to tell anyone about what you told me, well, I would never—"

"No, no, it's not that," the brown haired girl interrupted quickly, "I know. That's not what I meant. I just... didn't want people to know about the old me, you know?"

Ricky nodded. "You got very lucky with a chance to start over. But even though your past was a little rocky it's not good to just forget about it completely."

"I know. And I was stupid to think I could."

"Do you think you would have kids when you're older?" Ricky suddenly asked.

"What? No, never. That was so out of nowhere. But no. Why?"

Ricky frowned. "You don't like babies?"

Alexis shook her head. "Babies are fine but I'd never want a little version of me running around. And I would be a terrible mother, I couldn't put my kids through that."

Ricky rolled his eyes. "You would be a fine mother. Anyway, I want a big family. Five kids at the least. And every Sunday, the whole family would have breakfast together. Waffles or whatever families have for Sunday breakfast. Or brunch. I can't remember. My family used to do that. But it's been years."

"So, these five kids of yours. What are their names?" Alexis asked, changing the subject.

"Whatever my wife wants. But I've always loved the name Dallas for a boy. Payton for a girl."

"I like Dallas." Said Alexis. "Have you ever been to Texas?"

"No."

"Me either."

"So the holidays are coming up." Ricky said. "And usually I love that time of year. But now I'm just dreading it."

Alexis stared at him.

"First holiday without my mom. I'm assuming that's how it will be, anyway, considering she couldn't even come back for my last birthday. I'm telling you, she doesn't love me. All I got was a mailed in card. And you know, I love cards, I do. But she could've at least wrote something, I don't know, meaningful in it, instead of just, 'happy birthday Ricky! love, mom.'"

"That is very fucked up. I'm sorry to hear that."

"You say the f word a lot."

"Sorry. I'll keep it clean. That's very messed up of her."

Ricky chuckled and rolled his eyes, but then his laugh slowly turned to crying. He was crying now. Silent tears fell down his face. The sudden change frightened Alexis. She hadn't expected him to cry.

She didn't know what to do so she just stared at him.

"I'm sorry," he said, apologizing just like Alexis had done just moments before. "I just miss her so much." His voice cracked. "I don't want to turn out like my parents. Never. That's the last thing I would want. Maybe I shouldn't have kids either because I don't know how to be a good dad. My own couldn't teach me that. He can't even pay the stupid bills!

I can't believe in love because of them. I don't believe there's people actually out there who... who have Sunday breakfasts with their families and never fight with them. Who never just up and leave for months because they can't stand to be around each other. Or even their own freaking son! And they can't even be bothered to call. Or text. Or write a stupid birthday card that actually means something!"

And then, Alexis was crying again. She didn't cry silently like Ricky did; small, soft sobs managed to escape her lips. She wasn't crying for her own dramatic problems this time. This time she cried for the boy sitting beside her who was feeling grief of his mother leaving. Of feeling unloved.

Ricky reached over and placed his hand on Alexis' shaking shoulder. "I'm sorry," he said again. "Please don't cry. I'm sorry."

"D-don't be s-sorry." Alexis stuttered. She was embarrassed about her crying. At least Ricky was quiet. "I was crying first." And then, "I don't want to be like my parents either. Not like my dad, I mean. He's never home cause he's always working. He doesn't even know me, and I'm his daughter! He didn't notice that I was literally starving myself until I ended up in the hospital! Everyone in my family is like that, though, and everyone is all fu- messed up because of it.

Yet they still have this fake little charade going on. That we're all perfect and rich and happy. I mean, maybe they are happy and I'm just the odd one out but I don't think that's true. I think the only reason my dad wanted a kid was so he could, like, keep the family name going or whatever. And it's no secret that him and his brothers and sisters all rushed to have wives or husbands so they could have the first grandchild who would inherit everything. Well, my dad got that, but look where it got him now. A dead wife and a kid he can't even take care of."

Ricky didn't know the girls mom was dead. He frowned.

She let out another sob, louder, and covered her face with her hands. Ricky continued to cry as well. He had his arm wrapped tightly around the girl's shoulder, and she leaned over and buried her face into his shirt.

Alexis had never cried with anyone before. Like, at the same time. Neither had Ricky.

Ricky didn't cry like a boy. He cried like a man. He cried like the world was so unfair not just to him but to everyone and he wished so hard he could do something to fix it but knew he couldn't.

Alexis took a few deep breaths. Ricky could feel her body slowly filling with air and then emptying. Once she was calmed down, she looked up at Ricky, who's shirt was now stained with her snot and tears. She wiped her nose and then, like the maniac she is, laughed out loud.

"How did we get here?" She asked incredulously. "How did we get here? We were just... I just so happened to have trouble sleeping and ended up here. And you just so happened to find me. And now we're sitting on the floor pouring our hearts out to each other, talking about how we're unloved and about future kids and our parents. Crying to each other. And we're almost strangers! We don't even know each other yet we've ended up here."

Ricky thought for a moment. "We're not really strangers. We keep saying we don't know each other. But we should stop that because I think now, after all this, we do. At least a little bit, anyway."

"You know all of my trauma but you don't know my favorite color." Alexis smiled.

"What is it?"

"Green."

Ricky smiled. "Mines blue."