And Peggy

The consequences of grief

I stay up in my room for eight days. I don't even come down for mealtimes. Hannah brings my food up to me sometimes I eat it sometimes I don't. I haven't showered for three days since Hannah threatened to give away my cat Tiger.

Tiger has been my only source of companionship in these dark times, being showered in hugs and pats.

I was in denial of John's death for three days, then it was sadness for five and now it is anger.  Partially angry at John for leaving me, My family for being unsympathetic, even at Hamilton for living while John perished.

If Angelica comes into our shared room and I pretend to be asleep. She knows I am pretending but she just ignores me with the occasional comment.
"You can't live up here forever Pegs," or
"Penny and Eden sent a letter, it's downstairs."

But now Angelica is gone too. It turns out that at the war ending celebrations, she also ran into man. Even though she doesn't like him as much as Alex, she likes him as a friend. Plus, he comes from a wealthy family so he is father approved. His name is John Barker church and since his family have English roots, they are both moving to cold dreary England to get married. In my opinion, John Barker looks a bit like Hamilton and I think Angelica is trying to replace him. Either way, she is gone and I am the only Schuyler sister left in the house.

I'm going to die alone.

Unlike the movies where the weather is rainy and cloudy to match my mood the sun shines brightly outside, taunting me.

In my ninth day of isolation, I watch the city from my window. A couple skip down the street happily. I watch as they purchase a newly designed American flag and start waving it around while giggling joyously. I scowl at their happiness and return to my bed.

The next day, I get a letter from Angelica. She has arrived in London and has met the in laws, who are very impressed by her. She says it rains a lot there and the smell is bad but the city is charming and there is so much shopping to be done! She also inclosed a teddy bear that she said was bought from a place called Harrods.
I place the bear at the end of my bed and spend the next hour staring at it but not really seeing it. Too many thoughts in my head I guess.

Two days later when it is Sunday, while the family are put at church, I sneak a shower and some food from the kitchen. I also grab some paper and an ink pot.

Not caring about potential ink stains on the carpet, I grab my box of love letters. At the bottom is a sloppily written love note from a boy who rung the doorbell and ran away before we got to see him. We still wonder who he is and where he comes from.
The rest are my love letters from John. Letter after from him. Some bear bad news and others, bad. I smile sadly at each one. When I get to the letter that brings news of the end of the war, I stifle a sob. This was the last letter I would ever get from John. The last bit of contact I had with him.
Finally at the top of the box is the fateful letter that brought news of my love's death. The ink still smudged from my tears.
It is this letter that I'm looking for. I've been meaning to reply to it, thanking his father for letting me know and offering my condolences to him for he knew John far better than I.
I lie on my stomach and start to write.
"Dear Mr Laurens
I simply cannot express my condolences and sorrow for the loss of your son and my boyfriend. I would like to thank you for letting me know this treacherous news. Your son meant everything to me and I was hoping we would be able to share a life together. I hope we can stay in correspondence and be friends.
Yours truly
Margarita Schuyler"
I nod to myself in approval. Short and sweet. I creep back downstairs and leave the letter on the on our side table where it will be found. The silence of the house makes me feel lonely so I start searching for Tiger. As I am checking under the couch, I can hear the clip clop of hooves on the road and the excited chatter if mother, father, Amelia and Hannah. Quickly, I bolt upstairs and jump into bed, holding the bear that Angelica sent me from London. It has a heart shaped nose and a red ribbon around it's neck. It's fur is white and soft with velvet ears. I cuddle it to my chest, a glimmer of happiness in my dark hole of sadness.
The door opens downstairs and everyone bustles in. I hold my breath, hoping that no one will come in and bug me. Unfortunately, the door creeks open as father comes in without knocking. He sits on the end of my bed and sighs.
"Look Peggy, I know you're devastated about the loss of your friend, but... Life goes on. You can't sit up here and mope forever. Oh, do sit up, I know you're awake." He says the last part impatiently. Grudgingly, I shift my pillow and hoist myself up, keeping the covers up to my chin.
" look, I know you miss John and I know how you're feeling. Your mother and I felt the same way when she lost her baby. But look at us now, we have three beautiful daughters, a well functioning household and great jobs. Just... give it a year or two and you'll get over him. At some point you must go out into society and find a good husband. That, is your purpose and once you complete it a feeling of fulfilment will overcome you. Speaking of a husband, have you thought about that Stephen man that you met in the city that day? Seems to come from a good family doesn't he? Much richer than your J-"
I slowly face father, a sneer on my face.
"FATHER, YOU CAN'T JUST EXPECT ME TO GET OVER JOHN. HE WAS MORE THAN JUST "A FRIEND" AS YOU PUT IT. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN TAKING ONES PLACE IN SOCIETY. WHAT ABOUT LOVE? AND-AND FRIENDSHIP? DO NONE OF THOSE MATTER TO YOU? I WILL NOT GO INTO A FORCED MARRIAGE! YOU HAVE GOT NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS TO LOVE SOMEONE BUT THEN HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN WHEN THEY DIE SO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I expect father to retaliate and yell back at me about how I am an ungrateful child with no sense of purpose, but he doesn't. Instead he shakily stands up and walks over to the door. He stops and without turning to me, says
"Eliza will be here in three days time. I expect you to be downstairs by then." And he walks out of my room, shuts the door firmly behind him and walks downstairs where he will no doubt, tell the rest of the family about my behaviour.
But I don't care. It feels good to have won against father and It felt good to vent my problems.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
True to his word, Eliza comes to stay. I can hear mother's delighted laughter from the doorway. Despite fathers wishes, I don't come downstairs to greet her or interact with her.
After some afternoon tea downstairs, I can hear the stairs creaking as someone walks up them. Eliza.
She knocks softly on the door band when I don't answer, she pushes it open anyway.
She gives me a sad smile and opens her arms for a hug I rush over to her, probably knocking the wind out of her. She puts an arm around my shoulder and guides us over to the bed. I lean my head on her shoulder and sigh.
"I've missed you Liza." I murmur.
"Me too Pegs. But I brought a picture of baby Phillip with me."
She's trying to stay of the topic of John. Maybe to avoid awkwardness. Maybe to focus my mind on something happy.
She fishes the grainy, grey photo out of her travelling coat. I look at the picture of the smiling baby. He has Alexander's eyes but Eliza's chubby face that she had as a baby.

While I examine it, Eliza babbles about Phillip.
"And when he's old enough, in maybe three to five years, we'll come and stay at the mansion for a while."
I notice that Phillip also has a sea freckles scattered across his face.
John's freckles.
Suddenly, I break down, crying into Eliza's shoulder.
"I miss him. I miss him so much. Everyday."
Eliza puts the picture away and brings me closer to her.
"I know," she says, barely louder than a whisper. She hangs her head "Alex was particularly distressed at his death. The two were such close friends. Like two peas in a pod."
My head rips off Eliza's shoulder and I tower over her in a fit of rage, tears still streaming down my face.
"OH REALLY , ALEX WAS SAD? WHAT ABOUT ME? HIS GIRLFRIEND? HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT AND STILL FEEL? YOU AND ALEX HAVE EACH OTHER AND YOUR SON? WHO HAVE I GOT? NO ONE!"
"Peggy! I didn't-"
"YOU'RE OFF IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD WITH YOUR OWN LITTLE LIFE-"
"I never said-"
"YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING! NICE HOUSE , HUSBAND AND CHILD! YOU TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!"
I haven't-"
"YOU AND ANGIE DITCH ME FOR YOUR PERFECT LIVES AND LEAVE ME DEPRESSED AND ALONE-"
"We never!-"
"SO DON'T COME HERE EXPECTING ME TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR SUCCESS WHEN YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES are MISSING A LOVED ONE BECAUSE OF THAT WRETCHED WAR THAT WAR THAT BROUGHT YOU EVERYTHING YOU LOVE."

When Eliza replies, it is shaky and she gulps frequently, trying to stop the tears that she is clearly choking back.

"Angelica and I never left you. You will always be our sister. Just because I am surrounded by people who love me, doesn't mean my life is perfect. I have got no Idea what you're going through because you won't come out of your room and talk to anyone from what I've heard. You wouldn't be saying any of this if your just come downstairs and talk to someone. Just because Angelica and I have lives worth living doesn't mean that our lives are perfect or that we are going to drop everything and come to help our needy sister."
Eliza claps her hand to her mouth at what she has said and hangs her head again. I stride over  to the door and fling it open for her.
"I think you should leave now."
Eliza stands up and slowly walks toward the door. As she approaches, I keep my head high and don't look at her but I say in a firm tone:
"Welcome to the real world Eliza where there is pain and sadness and death."
Then I slam the door behind her.

Hello my readers
I hope you enjoy this chapter. Sorry it took so long to write.
Shoutout to afriendlyferret who always reads and comments on my chapters which means a lot to me.
okay byeee
Cocolocosam😊🐔